all music reviews should be written in the manner of metal reviews

edited 2015-10-10 00:20:42 in General
You’re about to hear a sonic atrocity, a savage demonic manifestation intent on bring about ruination and degradation. Foul and sulfurous, it’s a “procreation of sounds worthy of a psychiatric center” in the midst of an arson attack, vividly conveying the furious agonies of inmates consumed by flame while hellish entities howl in ecstasy at all the fresh death.
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Comments

  • imagei will watch the heck outta this pumpkin patch
    is that a good thing or a bad thing
  • honestly this kind of review bothers the shit out of me

    use real words you damn person
  • it's a good thing
  • honestly this kind of review bothers the shit out of me


    use real words you damn person
    excuse you "procreation" is totally a real word
  • imagei will watch the heck outta this pumpkin patch
    thing about metal

    i always think i like metal

    and when i listen to metal, i usually enjoy it

    but, um, i don't get, y'know, this kinda thing

    all the 'raarrgh its so evil' kinda stuff

    not getting into the spirit of things i guess
  • imagei will watch the heck outta this pumpkin patch
    like i know the lyrics are often pretty brutal

    but tbh half the time i can't make those out anyway
  • pretty much some white kid
  • kill living beings
    proposal: pitchfork reviews Kid A in this style
  • My dreams exceed my real life
    Metal is the worst genre, because people will look down on you if you don't like the type of it that's white supremacists who sing indistinguishable songs about gore with voices that  sound like a dog being slowly bisected from the back forward.
  • edited 2015-10-10 00:55:47
    Ich bin ein jelly doughnut
    OpAPHID said:

    like i know the lyrics are often pretty brutal

    but tbh half the time i can't make those out anyway

    This is mostly Death/Black Metal stuff, which in some cases cultivated a pretty shitty community. There are and were much less questionable bands in that genre, of course; it's kind of like punk, in that you've got your white supremacist group creeps but also a few really cool figures.

    edit: added a link to the Axis of Justice
  • does anybody not know about the whole mayhem thing
  • Ich bin ein jelly doughnut
    Not everyone's omniscient about global music culture, man.
  • “I'm surprised. Those clothes… but, aren't you…?”
    Torgo said:

    Metal is the worst genre, because people will look down on you if you don't like the type of it that's white supremacists who sing indistinguishable songs about gore with voices that  sound like a dog being slowly bisected from the back forward.


    That's... inaccurate.
  • well, they've all hung around me for a while
  • kill living beings
    i don't know what is the mayhems
  • My dreams exceed my real life
    Many things are inaccurate
  • imagei will watch the heck outta this pumpkin patch
    i am kinda baffled about what happened to metal in Scandinavia tbh

    like i am nowhere near the scene, i am totally an outsider, so this will sound super clueless but

    it's like, heavy metal, as it originally existed, was a fun genre about, like, spooky ghosts and monsters, plus drugs and sex and so on, with flashy guitar work and leather

    and then it was like, some people started taking all the Satan stuff, which was Hallowe'en stuff basically, uber-seriously and doing really weird things

    is how it looks to me, as an outsider
  • mayhem was a black metal band there was a guy named Dead who killed himself and another member Varg Vikrnes killed another member Euronymous over something

    Varg went on to renounce metal because rock music is the work of black people and now he makes bad folk music, but while he was in jail he made lo-fi music that proved very influential in terms of production for other black metal people without a lot of budget

    Mayhem with a different lineup is still around and makes good mooziks
  • imagei will watch the heck outta this pumpkin patch
    you didn't mention the arson
  • edited 2015-10-10 01:05:05
    “I'm surprised. Those clothes… but, aren't you…?”
    ^^^ It was a much longer evolution than that, and more complicated. It is still weird, to be fair, but it makes more sense with context.
    Torgo said:

    Many things are inaccurate


    Please. Don't be a jerk. No-one here wants you to listen to Abzurd to prove you are kvlt enough, or whatever you're driving at.
  • :3 said:

    mayhem was a black metal band there was a guy named Dead who killed himself and another member Varg Vikrnes killed another member Euronymous over something

    Varg went on to renounce metal because rock music is the work of black people and now he makes bad folk music, but while he was in jail he made lo-fi music that proved very influential in terms of production for other black metal people without a lot of budget

    Mayhem with a different lineup is still around and makes good mooziks

    there are people who listen to all of these people, but think that NWA is somehow unacceptable
  • My dreams exceed my real life

    :3 said:

    mayhem was a black metal band there was a guy named Dead who killed himself and another member Varg Vikrnes killed another member Euronymous over something

    Varg went on to renounce metal because rock music is the work of black people and now he makes bad folk music, but while he was in jail he made lo-fi music that proved very influential in terms of production for other black metal people without a lot of budget

    Mayhem with a different lineup is still around and makes good mooziks

    there are people who listen to all of these people, but think that NWA is somehow unacceptable
    Basically
  • “I'm surprised. Those clothes… but, aren't you…?”

    :3 said:

    mayhem was a black metal band there was a guy named Dead who killed himself and another member Varg Vikrnes killed another member Euronymous over something

    Varg went on to renounce metal because rock music is the work of black people and now he makes bad folk music, but while he was in jail he made lo-fi music that proved very influential in terms of production for other black metal people without a lot of budget

    Mayhem with a different lineup is still around and makes good mooziks

    there are people who listen to all of these people, but think that NWA is somehow unacceptable

    I doubt that the average black metal fan would be shocked or offended by NWA.
  • My dreams exceed my real life
    I do not want to be a jerk.
  • then don't be a jerk
  • My dreams exceed my real life
    'kay
  • “I'm surprised. Those clothes… but, aren't you…?”
    You appear to be insinuating that everyone who is into extreme metal is somehow pro-racism, whether you mean to or not, and somehow that is not being a jerk...?
  • 0vvvv0 said:

    :3 said:

    mayhem was a black metal band there was a guy named Dead who killed himself and another member Varg Vikrnes killed another member Euronymous over something

    Varg went on to renounce metal because rock music is the work of black people and now he makes bad folk music, but while he was in jail he made lo-fi music that proved very influential in terms of production for other black metal people without a lot of budget

    Mayhem with a different lineup is still around and makes good mooziks

    there are people who listen to all of these people, but think that NWA is somehow unacceptable

    I doubt that the average black metal fan would be shocked or offended by NWA.
    it's not really a matter of offense in my experience
  • My dreams exceed my real life
    0vvvv0 said:

    You appear to be insinuating that everyone who is into extreme metal is somehow pro-racism, whether you mean to or not, and somehow that is not being a jerk...?

    It is being a jerk, which is why I stopped what I was doing.
  • edited 2015-10-10 01:14:54
    imagei will watch the heck outta this pumpkin patch
    ^^ i think i know the type

    the worst kind of rockist, if they're not outright white supremacists which they can be
  • edited 2015-10-10 01:16:30
    imagei will watch the heck outta this pumpkin patch
    0vvvv0 said:

    ^^^ It was a much longer evolution than that, and more complicated. It is still weird, to be fair, but it makes more sense with context.

    that doesn't surprise me

    i've said this before but i don't actually know music history
  • Ich bin ein jelly doughnut
    It's not like the community of one should insulate the other from criticism.
  • imagei will watch the heck outta this pumpkin patch
    to what are you referring?
  • edited 2015-10-10 01:18:49
    imagei will watch the heck outta this pumpkin patch
    also because it's bugging me: what Vikrnes does is not folk

    you do get bigots wanking over folk for its supposed purity, it would not be ok if it was folk, but it's not even folk
  • “I'm surprised. Those clothes… but, aren't you…?”
    I feel a little personally insulted here. Yes, there are obnoxious metal fans, some of whom are truly awful, but most metal people I have met are pretty chill. Must everyone generalise in this imminently unpleasant and self-righteous manner?

    I know as a mod that I should try to end rather than start fights but I am sick of this selective tone-deafness and unrelenting negativity over petty bullshit.
  • “I'm surprised. Those clothes… but, aren't you…?”
    And yes, Odradek, I appreciate the apology, but could you please recognise that not putting yourself in a position where you have to apologise is inherently preferable?
  • OpAPHID said:

    also because it's bugging me: what Vikrnes does is not folk

    you do get bigots wanking over folk for its supposed purity, it would not be ok if it was folk, but it's not even folk

    sorry

    I have never listened to Varg's recent solo work on account of the fact that he is Varg, so I'm just going on secondhand knowledge
  • Ich bin ein jelly doughnut
    OpAPHID said:

    to what are you referring?

    :3 said:


    there are people who listen to all of these people, but think that NWA is somehow unacceptable

  • edited 2015-10-10 01:21:09
    imagei will watch the heck outta this pumpkin patch
    i was in no way talking about 'the average black metal fan', let alone 'most metal people'

    perhaps i should have specified?

    i am not trying to offend anyone, and certainly not talking about anyone here
  • “I'm surprised. Those clothes… but, aren't you…?”
    I was talking to Jane, mainly, although it is a more general concern. I thought that was clearer from context than it was.
  • edited 2015-10-10 01:23:09
    imagei will watch the heck outta this pumpkin patch
    :3 said:

    OpAPHID said:

    also because it's bugging me: what Vikrnes does is not folk

    you do get bigots wanking over folk for its supposed purity, it would not be ok if it was folk, but it's not even folk

    sorry

    I have never listened to Varg's recent solo work on account of the fact that he is Varg, so I'm just going on secondhand knowledge
    it's ok

    i was morbidly curious

    and am pedantic about 'folk'
  • “I'm surprised. Those clothes… but, aren't you…?”
    Taking a short break to cool my head.
  • We can do anything if we do it together.
    If it helps, your frustration at this was the direct source of my comments over in the Heaper Problems thread a bit ago.

    I should probably close this page and come back in a bit myself.
  • Touch the cow. Do it now.
    METAL!!!!!

    *headbangs furiously*
  • Ich bin ein jelly doughnut
    I think there was a twitter bot that randomly quoted metal reviews. That would be good for this thread, if I knew where it was.
  • kill living beings
    there's @metaltxt, but it seems eh

    their latest tweet is "Somehow, When The Accordion Comes In, It's Okay" which is entirely true in any context
  • My dreams exceed my real life
    Among the most prominent Japanese composers (although I use
    the word 'Japanese' superfluously, as even the most well-known American
    composers are barely competent at best), one in particular stands out to the
    enlightened video game soundtrack consumer. His name: Yasunori Mitsuda. For the
    record, this is not to undermine the amazing works of other incredibly talented
    video game composers such as Uematsu-san or Sakuraba-san, but to highlight the
    unique, almost celto-tropic music (the word music is an understatement) that
    Yasunori Mitsuda has been composing for years. It would be sheer ignorance to
    deny that the Chrono Cross soundtrack is anything but the magnum opus of video
    game music; its lilting and oftentimes hauntingly peaceful guitar melodies
    soothe all but the most savage of breasts while its tense battle themes and
    mysterious donjon tunes ignite a blazing passion that can be quenched only by
    the video game's profound story and gameplay. It is a wonder that anyone can
    listen to anything besides video game musical compositions after listening to
    Mitsuda-san's immensely powerful soundtrack, but given that the primitive thuds
    of hip hop are America's current choice of 'music' (I use the term music
    liberally), once can see little hope in the mass appreciation of Mitsuda-san's work. 

    There is, perhaps, only one medium of art that matches the
    excellence of video games and that is (obviously) visual kei. Combining
    absolutely exquisite j-rock and j-pop, sprinkled with hints of video game
    melodies, with the pyrotechnic visual flare that the Japanese are known for,
    visual kei takes its viewers on a rollercoaster ride of lights, fanfare, and
    music that even Beethoven could tap his toes to. Would that I were Japanese,
    (though under careful scrutiny, it appears my geneology tree does in fact show
    signs of a Japanese presence) I too would participate in this art of the 21st
    century and even perhaps venture onto the visual kei stage myself. It is no
    surprise that the impotent minds of Western society cannot fully grasp the
    total splendor of visual kei and instead choose to squandor their time
    listening to rap and country "music".
  • Man is a most complex simple creature: see what he weaves, and how base his reasons for doing so.
    I don't understand metal in general.
  • Touch the cow. Do it now.
    then there is no hope for you
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