Central Avenue's Very 1997 Christmas [image-heavy]

Princess Alice

Hahaha, made it just in time for the holiday!

It's 25 Days of Christmas, brought to you by The Family Channel!

That's right, while searching through old tapes a few months ago, I found one featuring Christmas specials recorded from The Family Channel (now ABC Family) and Disney Channel in the distant past of 1997. And on this Christmas Eve, I'm going to take the time to spread some Christmas cheer by liveblogging those recordings in all their 1990s glory, commercials and all!

Special thanks to Anonus, who generously transferred the recording to a DVD for me.

Princess Alice

Alright, here we go. While I will be commenting on the specials themselves, mostly to make little quips and things, I'm not going to go into too much detail, because we've all seen them approximately 900 times. Most of my effort will go into the commercials, bumpers, and other presentational things specific to this recording from 1997.

We open right away on Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town. The first scene, with the faux newscast, is cut off on this tape, so we're immediately to “Special Delivery” Kluger, a mailman who violates Santa Claus's privacy by opening his mail and reading it to the audience. It seems a number of children this year have asked Santa not for toys, but simple questions about why he does the peculiar things he does.   S.D. says he can put all these questions to rest, and proceeds to tell Santa Claus's backstory.

One title sequence later, we're introduced to a  dark and dreary little village called Sombertown. Ababy, with a tag reading “Claus”, is left on the stoop of the mayor, a bitter and angry man named Burgermeister Meisterburger. Burgermeister demands the child be taken to the orphanage, but the baby instead ends up lost in a snowstorm, where he's found by woodland animals and taken to the home of the Kringles, a family of toymakers who adopt him as their own.

The Kringles were once renowned for their craft—they were “the first toymakers to the king”—but now the Mountain of the Whispering Winds, guarded by the cruel and territorial Winter Warlock, lay between them and Sombertown, preventing the Kringles from taking their toys to the children. When Kris comes of age, he decides he'll take the toys over the mountain himself, meeting a confused penguin named Topper along the way. But uh oh—Kris has wandered right into the territory of the Winter Warlock!

Santa Claus elements explained:

• He's often known as “Kris Kringle” because that was the name given to him by his adoptive family.
• He makes toys because he was adopted by a family of toymakers.
• He laughs “ho ho ho” because he used to play with seals. (I don't get it either.)
• He wears a red coat because it was the traditional Kringle family attire, given to him by Tanta Kringle in honor of his great journey.

Imipolex G

I vaguely remember that one

Princess Alice

Good, "vaguely". I was worried that these weren't nearly obscure enough and that people would be like "why are you reciting this to us as if we don't already know it?"

Anyway, writing up the commercial break right now. ^_^

Princess Alice

And now we're to our first commercial break!

First, a pretty straightforward advertisement for a Family Channel “Double Feature”: Blazing Saddles at 8:00 and Avalanche Express at 10:00. Not very interesting, but gives a good view of the Family Channel's on-air look of the time.

Next: Duracell batteries! Pairs of twins dance with their battery-powered devices like boom-boxes and flashlights, only to find that one twin's batteries die first because, uh oh, they used Energizer!

I remember a lot of these sort of dueling-brands-of-battery commercials from when I was a kid. Funny how the Duracell/Energizer rivalry sorta faded out of their advertisements over the years. I suppose it doesn't help that so many electronics today come with lithium batteries that you just recharge over and over.

Also, boom boxes apparently took SIX D-CELL BATTERIES back then. Holy cow.

Up next is Presto “Fry Daddy” deep-fryers. My family actually had one of these for a while, but we got rid of it because, well, being able to make deep-fried food whenever you want isn't exactly a good thing for one's health.

Then there's that same boring Crispix commercial that played over and over again. A guy tells his kid that Mom says Crispix stays crispy in milk, but he's “still skeptical”. Then he eats the cereal and it's still crispy. And, ha ha, now the kid pretends he'd sided with Mom all along! How wacky.

Honestly, I always kinda hated these commercials as a kid because I didn't understand why cereal staying crispy was supposed to be a good thing. Don't you like your cereal to get all nice and mushy? I know I do!

One of the few indications so far that this was Christmastime: a bit tacked on to the end encouraging the viewer to make “Crispix Mix” for holiday gatherings. I suppose Kellogg's didn't want General Mills's Chex to have all the holiday fun!

The president of International Diamond & Gold tries to convince us they have the best price on jewelry. Boring.

Actually, I notice that for something that's ostensibly a children's program, all of these ads have been targeted at adults. That's not something you would see much nowadays.

As if to prove my point, our final commercial has this woman from Leather Express trying to sell us a new sofa, promising no down payments, payments, or interest until 1999! What a deal. You know, I don't even think this company is around anymore.

And now back to the show!

Princess Alice

Meanwhile, in Sombertown, Burgermeister Meisterburger trips over a toy duck and breaks his leg. (His doctor says he's broken his “funny bone”, but it's clearly his leg and not his arm that's bandaged, so...who knows.) And, because of this single incident, he decides to unilaterally ban all toys from the town. Yeah. “There'll be no more toymakers to the king!” he declares, as apparently he can speak for the king now. His police then go around literally snatching the toys out of kids' hands.

Kris Kringle arrives in town with a big sack of toys, which he distributes to the children. Their schoolteacher, Miss Jessica, arrives and rebukes Kris for his flagrant disregard for the law, but he quickly wins her over by giving her a china doll—something she'd always wanted as a child.

The toys, however, are quickly discovered by the Burgermeister. Kris admits he handed them out to the children, and the police attempt to arrest him, but he escapes into the forest. But uh oh...he's wandered straight into the hands of the Winter Warlock, who isn't going to let him go easily this time!

Santa Claus elements explained:

...there weren't any in this bit, actually.

Princess Alice

Commercial time once again!

A promo for a talk show called Home and Family. Looks boring and generic as hell, honestly. (A quick look at Wikipedia reveals that the show was actually revived on Hallmark Channel in 2012, which I'm sure Anonus would mention if I did not.)

Next, a commercial for a cheesy TV movie called The Christmas List. Bizarrely, this commercial doesn't really even tell what the movie's about, besides just “CHRISTMAS!” But hey, have more cheesy '90s graphics. ^_^

Ooh, now this is my kinda thing. A solar-powered watch called Eco-Drive. I imagine that was a pretty big technological feat in 1997, and probably had an expensive price tag to match. At least, that's what I assume, I can't be bothered to hunt down its original pricing right now.

As a bonus, have some very 1997 typography.

Ooh, more things I like: cameras! Specifically, Canon “Sure Shot” cameras with zoom lenses. These look pretty cool, honestly, though again, I bet they were expensive at the time. It's kind of amusing, the idea of a zoom lens wasn't a new thing by 1997, but it was still a “luxury” of sorts, whereas nowadays even low-end digital cameras have a decent zoom lens.

Except if you're using a cell phone camera, of course. A lot of people only have their phones as their primary cameras nowadays, it seems, which I don't quite get because a zoom lens seems like such a basic necessity to me. Anyway, moving on.

A kid who's camping writes to his mom about how he misses the Campbell's soup she makes for him. Then she shows up with some, because he was actually just camping in his own backyard! You sure had me fooled!

I wonder if this was as predictable in 1997 as it was now or if I just happened to guess this one right away because I'd seen it all those years ago. Either way, it did get a smile out of me.

Hahaha, this is probably one of the most overtly '90s things on the whole tape. A Planet Hollywood board game. I don't even really have a joke to make here, it's just kinda funny on its own.

A short animated Rice Krispies commercial featuring Snap, Crackle, and Pop...

...followed by a bit with completely different animation, advertising Holiday Rice Krispies.

You know, compared to nowadays, it's surprising how few explicitly holiday-themed ads there are during this Christmas special.

OH HELL YES, Maglite flashlights! I always wanted one of these as a kid becauase the commercials made them look so badass. Hell, I still want one now, honestly.

What? Oh right, I was watching a Christmas special. Let's get back to that in a bit!

glennmagusharvey

Maglites are workhorse flashlights for some urban explorers, I think.

Tre

eugh, Crispix

I had to eat those sans milk all the time in elementary school because the after-school care gave us snacks and most of the time I was fairly hungry, even though I didn't like milk

But ehh

Tre

also we have a Mag-Lite

it's really long and probably could function as a deadly weapon

Princess Alice

I waaant one

Princess Alice

The Winter Warlock is about to give Kris Kringle his worst, but Kris presents him with a choo-choo train, which melts the Warlock's icy heart and turns him from bad to good. See, all he needed was a little kindness! Kris and the woodland animals put on a little musical number to show Winter Warlock that he can reform himself, if he tries.

As a gesture of gratitude, the Warlock gives Kris a “magic crystal snowball”, which he can use to view the kids of Sombertown and make sure they're well-behaved.

Jessica brings Kris more letters from the kids asking for presents, and Kris obliges, careful to sneak in by night so he's not caught by Burgermeister.

Santa Claus elements explained:

• How he knows if kids are behaving themselves
• Why he delivers gifts overnight

Princess Alice

Commercial break time again already! Some of these are repeated from previous commercial breaks, but here are the new ones:

Elmo's Radio Control Railroad by Tyco! I have to admit, as basic as it seems, this is a toy I would have loved as a little kid.

Also, nothing in the '90s was ever “remote-controlled”, no, it was always “radio-controlled”. :P

Tums! The product still exists, but you don't see many commercials for it any more...at least not as often as you did back then.

Here's one that's kinda funny, but not quite in the way the writers expected. A brother and sister are stringing together some Kix to put on their Christmas tree, but they're not getting anywhere because the younger brother keeps eating it all!

It's just ridiculous on a couple different levels. Who hangs Kix strands on a Christmas tree? What kid likes Kix enough that he'd just keep eating it dry like that?

“Kix also makes a great decoration!” Keep telling yourself that, announcer.

Sing & Snore Ernie, on the other hand, looks rather boring. I guess even Sesame Street can be hit or miss. :\

Next, Swanson encourages us to use their chicken broth instead of butter to make our mashed potatoes. Of note is the new “resealable carton”, which I guess was still a selling point back then. Weird to think about, somehow.

Finally, move over Crispix Mix, here comes the real stuff! Included this particular screenshot because old packaging is fun to look at.

glennmagusharvey

Is it just me or can anyone not really tell where that Winter Warlock's head is?

Haven

It's the part that the hat's on

Princess Alice

I didn't get very good screenshots of him because I was feeling lazy

Also, I'm taking a short break

Anonus

Stupid things worth noting:

• This was the first Christmas during which The Family Channel was the property of Fox Kids Worldwide (later Fox Family Worldwide), a joint venture between News Corporation, Saban Entertainment, and Allen & Company. It was also the last Christmas before the August 1998 name change to Fox Family.
• This was the first Christmas during which Chex and Cookie Crisp were General Mills products; they were previously made by Ralston Purina.

Princess Alice

Those are worth noting!

Anonus

I think the new owners basically blew the channel up completely and made it more kid-oriented when they renamed it, too.

Princess Alice

So from here out, it becomes a game of walls and ladders between Burgermeister and Kris Kringle. Burgermeister orders all doors and windows in Sombertown be locked at night, so Kris enters the homes through their chimneys.

Burgermeister then demands that all homes be invasively searched for toys every morning, so Kris takes to hiding the presents in the kids' stockings, which they hang over the fireplace to dry. (Not explained: how the police manage to miss such an obvious hiding place, or why nobody in this town seems to have a matching pair of stockings.)

Finally, Burgermeister decides to set a trap for Kris. Jessica overhears his plans and tries to warn him, but it's too late. She turns to the Winter Warlock for help, but he can do nothing—he's been “disenchanted”.

But before anyone has time to act, Winter and the Kringles are taken into custody for their role in the illicit toymaking. Meanwhile, down in Sombertown, Kris is arrested as well, as the Burgermeister's set up a trap inside one of the children's houses.

How will good ol' Santa Claus get out of this one?

Section42L

You accidentally posted the same image twice in a row in your last post.

I've been enjoying this thread so far, BTW.

Princess Alice

Hey look, a cool clock! That thing had to be 10 or 20 years old even by 1997 and--

Oh right, the commercial. It's for some cheesy-looking TV movie called Christmas Every Day. You know, one of those plots that's been used over and over and over.

Another goofy Campbell's ad: a boy leaves his thermos of soup on the school bus, and runs out to find the driver drinking it. Oh, wait, the bus driver had his own thermos, what a wacky mix-up!

 

Then a girl comes running onto the bus and has the same reaction the boy did. The boy actually says "Here we go again!" Campbell's, why did you ever stop being so hilariously tacky?

Ants in the Pants and Don't Spill the Beans, by Milton Bradley. I dunno, I never really "got" this genre of game, even when I was young enough to be in the target audience. They're just not very fun to me.

"Eat Special K if you want to look sexy!"

Hahaha, Budget Car Sales! I remember this place quite well; my parents once test-drove a minivan at one of their locations and I rode along. I don't believe they ended up buying any cars from them, though.

Next, an ad for Time Warner Communications. I was very glad to find this because I vaguely remembered there was a time when Time Warner Cable had instead gone by the name "Communications" and before now I hadn't found any confirmation of that. Yay my memory being better than Wikipedia!

Princess Alice

Section42L said:

You accidentally posted the same image twice in a row in your last post.

I've been enjoying this thread so far, BTW.

Fixed. Thanks for catching that.

I'm glad you like it! ^_^

Anonus

I think commercials are just less hilariously tacky now in general...

Princess Alice

Agreed. It's sad. What are we leaving for future generations to watch and laugh at?

Anonus

And I think their efforts at making commercials less cheesy are intentional, too.

Tre

>Time Warner Communications

HISSSSSSSSSS

Tre

Anonus

Man, even characters owned by the other Time Warner don't like Time Warner Cable :P

Princess Alice

This was 1997, Time Warner Cable WAS the other Time Warner. :P

Tre

But neither Marcy nor Scribblenauts!Tre existed back then

Soooo it's entirely plausible/possible for both of them to dislike TWC

Haven

But Marcy is a thousand years old! She's just lost track of her moral code, is all.

Princess Alice

Since I forgot to do it with the last post...

Santa Claus elements explained:

• Why he goes down chimneys
• Why he leaves presents in stockings

So Jessica talks to the Winter Warlock through the dungeon window, and he explains that he only has small, “useless” remnants of magic left, including candle stubs and magic feed corn, only powerful enough to make reindeer fly. You can see where this is going...

Yep. Jessica feeds the corn to Kris's reindeer friends, then everybody uses the flying reindeer to get out of Dodge. How exactly they managed to break out of prison is never elaborated on, but hey, at least we know why the reindeer fly now!

Burgermeister's army has burned the Kringles' home and workshop to the ground, and the Kringles know they aren't safe because the guards will be back any minute. With “Wanted” posters all around, Kris decides to hide his identity. No, he doesn't get rid of the extremely distinctive red coat, but he does grow a full beard and start using the name he'd been found with all those years ago—Claus!

On Christmas Eve, Claus and Jessica are married in the forest. The elves have decorated the trees with all sorts of tinsel and shiny ornaments, apparently creating the world's first Christmas trees.

Still on the run from the law, Santa and Mrs. Claus and the other elves end up settling at the North Pole. Years later, the Meisterburgers die off and fall out of power, and Santa is no longer considered an outlaw...but he keeps getting more famous, meaning letters are constantly pouring in from kids all over the world asking for more toys. Eventually, he and Mrs. Claus decide to limit their trips to one night a year...their wedding night, Christmas Eve.

“And that's how it all started.”

Santa Claus elements explained:

• Flying reindeer
• Santa's beard
• The name “Santa Claus”
• Christmas trees, I guess...is that even really a Santa Claus thing
• The North Pole
• Why he travels on Christmas Eve

Aliroz

Imipolex G said:

I vaguely remember that one

I remember it.

I liked it as a kid.

Princess Alice

It was one of my favorites as a kid, because I liked seeing Santa Claus as a young man!

Anyways, perhaps I spoke too soon before. This might be the most overtly '90s thing on this tape:

Yeah, an ad for Sathers candy, one only three in this commercial break I haven't already covered.

Now here's a brand that hasn't been seen in the US in quite a while: Packard Bell. In this commercial, “Uncle Ned” mistakes a computer for a TV and beats it with his cane to try to tune in “the game” before Generic '90s Child sets him straight.

Weird thought: That kid is probably older than I am.

A little girl being generically “cute” alongside an animatronic teddy bear to advertise Snuggle fabric softener. That's about it.

Aliroz

I like this nineties stuff better than the stuff of the OK years and the 10 years.

Anonus

Oh god that Sathers ad

I'm sure that even by 1997 that CGI was pretty dated

Princess Alice

^^ I kinda do too, hee hee.

^ Hahaha, I know, right?

Let's see, what's left of this special? Well, the Warlock got his power back, and promises to Santa that he'll use it to make a white Christmas.

Back in the present day, S.D. Kluger (he's our narrator, remember?) talks about how some people don't like Christmas, and says he wishes they could see the good that Santa does. Of course, one of his examples is a woman who works in retail, so I can't blame her for hating Christmas.

But, S.D. reminds us that we should all try to be a little like Santa Claus, and give to others. Then he drives into Sombertown and starts singing “Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town” with a chorus of happy children as our credits roll.

And that's Santa Claus is Comin' to Town! Next on this tape is Nestor, the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey, which I'll get around to approximately whenever I feel like it. Merry Christmas! ^_^

(That one's only half an hour, so hopefully it won't take me ages like this one did, lol)

Anonus

Also spoiler: Nestor, the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey is the next special on this tape. It seems to have vanished from the airwaves in recent years, probably because it's basically Rudolph Lite.

^Unspoiler!

Princess Alice

Anonus, I can't stop laughing. Did I ninja you?

Aliroz

You forgot my favorite part of the whole show! In the "some people Don't like Christmas" you see Ebenezer Scrooge saying, "Bah, Humbug".

Anonus

^^Yes!

Princess Alice

^^ Literary references! :D

^ The mindlink at work, I s'pose

Hexartes

It's been a while since I've seen that one but I think the gimmick of gradually explaining Santa's powers is rather clever.

Aliroz

I remember that from the one and only time I ever saw it, which was on a Christmas airing.

Anonus

Also, that Rice Krispies ad looks really nice in motion - rare for a cereal commercial.

Princess Alice

Anonus said:

Also, that Rice Krispies ad looks really nice in motion - rare for a cereal commercial.

Indeed.

Princess Alice

As promised, the next thing on this tape is Nestor, the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey.

As we see Santa taking flight on Christmas Eve, we’re introduced to Spieltoe, Santa’s donkey, who will serve as our narrator for this special. Spieltoe gives us a tour of Santa’s stables, drawing special attention to the nativity scene under the Christmas tree, which features a donkey. “They made him all wrong,” he says. “He didn’t look like that at all.” 

An elf is seen bringing out a replacement donkey, and we transition to Nestor himself—a young donkey with ears long enough to reach the ground. All the other animals laugh at Nestor, presumably because they’re jackasses.

Haven

Central Avenue said:

All the other animals laugh at Nestor, presumably because they’re jackasses.

approval

Obā-san

man i remember all these things except the ads

Princess Alice

Hee hee, Haven approval. ^_^

Speaking of ads:

Oh hey, it’s another “Double Feature” commercial, this time featuring The Christmas List movie I mentioned above and another equally cheesy-looking movie called One Christmas. But hey, more of that 25 Days of Christmas on-air look!

Observation: www.familychannel.com still redirects to ABC Family’s website.

“Healthy Request” seems like a weird name for a product—how is it a request?—but it’s nice to be reminded of a time when V8 still played up the “8 cylinders” angle in their commercials.

A marketer presents Corn Pops to a focus group, but ends up greedily devouring them all herself. Ok, that one got a smile out of me, at least.

The Wonderful World of Disney Trivia Game. Apparently this game featured separate cards for kids and adults. Interesting idea, that...were the "kids" questions just simpler, or did they also relate to more recent films?

A cute Pooh bear doll that has motion and speech built in. I dunno why every toy in the ‘90s had to have some kind of gimmick like that…isn’t it enough to just have a cute doll of Winnie the Pooh?

Finally, Campbell’s again, this time with “Fresh Tasting Soups”. Wait, does that constitute a tacit admission that your regular line of soup products doesn’t taste fresh?