>Go in the hole! It is pitch black. If this drain played host to any sinister, lurking presences with slavering fangs, you would be likely to be eaten by one.
The air is damp and smells like more sewage. You can hear a faint dripping sound.
>take the red pill, neo Actually, it's an M&M. >See if there's anything in hole 1 The hole is blocked by a heavy-looking steel door, and is not easily reached from the ladder. >get married Woah, woah, woah. That is not on today's agenda.
Besides, you're not even dating anybody right now.
It's very gloomy and quiet down here. You wonder whether there's anyone else around, or if you are completely alone in this eerie, soulless torture chamber. You haven't seen a single other person or creature since you woke up here.
>Check out those blue spots You crouch down to examine one of the large, bioluminescent fungi, which emit a pale, blue glow.
It appears to be an ordinary fungus in all other respects.
You are the end result of a “would you push the button” prompt where the prompt was “you have unlimited godlike powers but you appear to all and sundry to be an impetuous child” – Zero, 2022
Remember back in the 50s when they'd record like Elvis singing YOU AIN'T NOTHIN BUT A HOUND DOG and then they'd turn the record over and reverse it and it was all NYERP NYERP NYERP NYERP NYERP and people were all like, "That is actually the voice of Satan coming from that song."
Use the toothbrush on one of the mushrooms that you haven't eaten. I'm sure it will appreciate the gesture.
>Eat the fungus and pray that it isn't poisonous You break a piece off the fungus cap and bite into it. It appears clean, and mercifully doesn't taste of sewer water. However, it does taste extremely bitter, with a nauseating aftertaste, and makes your throat feel tight and your mouth even drier than before. You experience no sudden change in size.
>Use the toothbrush on one of the mushrooms that you haven't eaten. I'm sure it will appreciate the gesture. You scrub one of the fungi with the filthy toothbrush, smearing the surface of the cap with dirt. The stiff bristles tear into the cuticle, and some of the looser ones get stuck in it.
>detatch one of the mushrooms and use it as a light source in order to explore hole 2. You uproot one of the intact fungi with little difficulty and carry it through the hole.
The light from the fungus is dim and doesn't reveal much. The floor appears to be concrete. A little way in, you come to the edge of a pool of water.
>Climb further down the ladder. You set the fungus down on the side (all Inventory slots are full) and resume your descent of the slippery ladder. >Go down the drain to recover the precious ponified plate You're regretting having discarded the metal plate so casually, so you make your way to the foot of the ladder in the hope of getting it back. It's not long before it gets so dark that you can't see the rungs, so you move slowly, not wanting to fall.
By the time you reach the bottom, you're feeling exhausted. This plate had better be worth the trouble.
>Assess self (e.g. who you are, your past, etc.) You still don't remember how you got here, nor where "here" is, and your memories of everything prior to waking up here are confused as well. Right now you can more readily recall trivia and irrelevances than anything of real significance.
You guess you're the kind of person who likes to have fun and act the fool a bit. You're by no means stupid, but you're certainly given to bouts of immaturity. You're imaginative and inquisitive, and not particularly cautious. You have a tendency to panic when you feel overwhelmed, but you're capable of calming yourself down quite effectively. You are very willing to explore the world around you, even if this means picking up something disgusting, licking an unfamiliar object or flinging yourself into the unknown. You are aware that some people think you're a bit odd, but this doesn't generally bother you.
You also have a name, but you can't seem to recall it at this moment. It's on the tip of your tongue. Think, now... (ENTER NAME)
((OK, how could I possibly reject a suggestion like Zestpoole? Also, Inkblot, you're awesome.))
>ZESTPOOLE Right! So your name is Zestpoole! How could you have forgotten? You have the absolute worst name of anybody you know, and you're pretty proud of that.
It feels good to have your name back. It's weird, but somehow, you feel just a teensy bit less expendable than you did without it. >explore further the area where the plate is located, using mushrooms if needed. Well, there's the Pinkie Pie panel. Your inventory is still full, though.
Apart from the ladder, you can find only one exit down here. It's another large pipe entrance, blocked by a heavy steel door.
>place the pony on the panel. If nothing of interests happens have the Derpy Statue and the Tim Tebow bobblehead make out. (Because OTP) It's not a Derpy Statue. It's not even a pony. It's a Nestlé® Wax Beetle™. siriously, who could reist the diclisou taste of Nestlé® Wax Beetles™?
Everyone on Earth, that's who. Furthermore, Nestlé® Wax Beetle™/Tim Tebow is NOT your OTP.
>Determine whether or not you're wearing anything in the way of pants. Thankfully, you have not forgotten to wear trousers. That is one mistake you certainly won't be repeating in a hurry!
>ford the stream pool of water You make your way back up the slippery ladder. It's even more exhausting climbing it than descending it, but at least it's not quite so nerve-wracking.
It's dark at the top of the ladder as well now, and you can't hear those garbage smashers anymore. Something must be blocking that drain up above. Thank goodness for those mushrooms! You pick up the one that you uprooted and carry it back into pipe number 2.
You have a nasty feeling that this "pool" is the reason the garbage water tasted so foul. You don't exactly relish the prospect of wading through sewer water, but you figure you've already done half a dozen gross things this morning, and now is not the time to get squeamish.
The water is murky and you can't see the bottom, but how deep can it be, right?
It's deep! It's deep! >Attempt to do a Zeststroke. You execute your trademark swimming manoeuvre, the Zeststroke. You are extremely proficient at swimming, so there was no question but that your attempt would be a success.
You had lessons from a professional breaststroker (who also happened to be a very good swimmer).
You bump up against a concrete wall. Your skills are wasted here, it seems.
>ponder your situation like a boss You tread water while you figure what to do from here.
You know that there are at least three pipes leading off the drain. This is one of them, but it's dark and hard to navigate. In the glow of that mushroom over there, you can see what looks like a concrete ledge, low enough to climb up onto.
The other two pipes were blocked by heavy steel doors, which can't possibly be meant to open by hand. Therefore, it seems likely that a mechanism to open them would be somewhere around here.
From the lack of light in the drain itself, the opening to the garbage pit is blocked, presumably by the garbage smashers. Those will presumably open up again once they're done.
You are painfully hungry and thirsty by this point, but it doesn't seem likely that you'll find anything edible in this dingy sewer. You'd really like to get back to the surface so that you can stop doing gross things and resume your absolutely desperate quest for sausage, or, failing that, find a way home from wheretheheckever this is.
>climb ledge, rest a bit. You pull yourself out of the water, lie down on the damp concrete and rest for a bit to regain some stamina. Your clothes are all soaked through, and feel cold and clammy against your skin.
Somewhere above you, you hear the garbage smashers moving apart. By the time you feel moderately rested, they have fallen silent again.
>Eat the wax beetle to regain some energy. You attempt to bite into the small figure of Derpy Hooves, but it is made of plastic and cannot be eaten!
Remember back in the 50s when they'd record like Elvis singing YOU AIN'T NOTHIN BUT A HOUND DOG and then they'd turn the record over and reverse it and it was all NYERP NYERP NYERP NYERP NYERP and people were all like, "That is actually the voice of Satan coming from that song."
Wonder if the toothbrush has similar shapechanging properties to the figurine that you just tried to eat.
>rest a bit, and ponder the ramifications of quantum theory as you do so. Quantum theory rendered the traditional understanding of particles and waves inadequate, and prompted scientists to dream up bizarre thought experiments involving cats in boxes. You're not a physicist, but your understanding is that, depending on how quantum theory should correctly be interpreted, it could have any number of other crazy ramifications; it might mean that causality is illusory, or that numerous universes are being created at every moment. You have no idea how any of this could possibly be tested for, though. In practical terms, you know that quantum theory works, because it gave the world laser beams and transistors, and therefore computers and CD players.
You guess that quantum mechanics are the source of the world you live in, which classical physics can model pretty well. Ultimately, therefore, you figure the ramifications of quantum theory are that everyday objects behave basically the same way you would expect them to. That is why there is no way you are going to encounter any object in your day to day life that exists in two states at once, which would be just plain ridiculous.
In the time you take to ponder this, your stamina restores itself as far as possible with your current lack of nourishment.
>Consider exploring the garbage chamber again. You sit up and strongly consider it. While exploring that room got kind of scary pretty fast, the chamber should be safe again now that the crushers are off. Perhaps it's time for the Empress of the Trash to reclaim her throne.
>LIck Tim Tebow in the hopes that he is delicious. He tastes like a plastic figurine that has been marinading in a pool of stagnant garbage water.
He is not delicious.
>Wonder if the toothbrush has similar shapechanging properties to the figurine that you just tried to eat. It's an ordinary, used toothbrush. As far as you can tell, its only properties are being gross and shedding dried bristles now and again.
>Eat Derpy Hooves. This didn't work before, but you are not so easily deterred. You cram the figure into your mouth.
The resulting sensation is uncomfortable. The figure is made from plastic, which you can't bite through, and the hair clings to the back of your throat and makes you retch.
You spit the stupid thing back out again.
>Study the statue to see if it will change shape again You hold the figure close to the nearest mushroom and examine it in the light.
It really is just a toy! There's no way this thing is going to change shape or do anything weird like that. >Also, use the mushroom's light to examine the ledge you are on. You pick up the mushroom and swing it around. One end of the ledge leads back the way you came. Looks like you braved the sewer water for nothing!
At the other end of the ledge there is a tall stone wall, stretching into the darkness. Embedded in this wall are a series of metal rungs, much like the ones on the inside of the drain.
The rungs are made from a thick, dark metal, and are wet and slippery. You can't see how high the ladder goes in the dim light the fungus provides.
>Try climbing the rungs
Thankfully, only the lower rungs prove slippery, and the rest of the climb proves entirely uneventful. After a surprisingly lengthy ascent, the ladder ends abruptly, and you pull yourself up onto what feels like a concrete ledge.
It's so dark up here you can't see your hands in front of your face. Up ahead, you can hear a monotonous voice muttering, "Laying eggs is an atrocity. Better not to hatch at all."
>Look up.
The ceiling looks to be pretty high, and is visible only by the glow of the fungi that grow out of it.
>See if that strange object in the sky from the first page is still here. If not, look down.
You can't see anything all that strange up there, and you don't think you've been here before. You look back the way you came.
Man, it's a long way down. Best be careful not to fall.
Comments
Assassin poems, Poems that shoot
guns. Poems that wrestle cops into alleys
and take their weapons leaving them dead
It is pitch black. If this drain played host to any sinister, lurking presences with slavering fangs, you would be likely to be eaten by one.
The air is damp and smells like more sewage. You can hear a faint dripping sound.
>take the red pill, neo
Actually, it's an M&M.
>See if there's anything in hole 1
The hole is blocked by a heavy-looking steel door, and is not easily reached from the ladder.
>get married
Woah, woah, woah. That is not on today's agenda.
Besides, you're not even dating anybody right now.
It's very gloomy and quiet down here. You wonder whether there's anyone else around, or if you are completely alone in this eerie, soulless torture chamber. You haven't seen a single other person or creature since you woke up here.
>Check out those blue spots
You crouch down to examine one of the large, bioluminescent fungi, which emit a pale, blue glow.
It appears to be an ordinary fungus in all other respects.
Maybe it'll embiggen you, like in Mario.
Assassin poems, Poems that shoot
guns. Poems that wrestle cops into alleys
and take their weapons leaving them dead
Assassin poems, Poems that shoot
guns. Poems that wrestle cops into alleys
and take their weapons leaving them dead
Assassin poems, Poems that shoot
guns. Poems that wrestle cops into alleys
and take their weapons leaving them dead
You break a piece off the fungus cap and bite into it. It appears clean, and mercifully doesn't taste of sewer water. However, it does taste extremely bitter, with a nauseating aftertaste, and makes your throat feel tight and your mouth even drier than before. You experience no sudden change in size.
>Use the toothbrush on one of the mushrooms that you haven't eaten. I'm sure it will appreciate the gesture.
You scrub one of the fungi with the filthy toothbrush, smearing the surface of the cap with dirt. The stiff bristles tear into the cuticle, and some of the looser ones get stuck in it.
>detatch one of the mushrooms and use it as a light source in order to explore hole 2.
You uproot one of the intact fungi with little difficulty and carry it through the hole.
The light from the fungus is dim and doesn't reveal much. The floor appears to be concrete. A little way in, you come to the edge of a pool of water.
>Climb further down the ladder.
You set the fungus down on the side (all Inventory slots are full) and resume your descent of the slippery ladder.
>Go down the drain to recover the precious ponified plate
You're regretting having discarded the metal plate so casually, so you make your way to the foot of the ladder in the hope of getting it back. It's not long before it gets so dark that you can't see the rungs, so you move slowly, not wanting to fall.
By the time you reach the bottom, you're feeling exhausted. This plate had better be worth the trouble.
>Assess self (e.g. who you are, your past, etc.)
You still don't remember how you got here, nor where "here" is, and your memories of everything prior to waking up here are confused as well. Right now you can more readily recall trivia and irrelevances than anything of real significance.
You guess you're the kind of person who likes to have fun and act the fool a bit. You're by no means stupid, but you're certainly given to bouts of immaturity. You're imaginative and inquisitive, and not particularly cautious. You have a tendency to panic when you feel overwhelmed, but you're capable of calming yourself down quite effectively. You are very willing to explore the world around you, even if this means picking up something disgusting, licking an unfamiliar object or flinging yourself into the unknown. You are aware that some people think you're a bit odd, but this doesn't generally bother you.
You also have a name, but you can't seem to recall it at this moment. It's on the tip of your tongue. Think, now...
(ENTER NAME)
Also, explore further the area where the plate is located, using mushrooms if needed.
Assassin poems, Poems that shoot
guns. Poems that wrestle cops into alleys
and take their weapons leaving them dead
>ZESTPOOLE
Right! So your name is Zestpoole! How could you have forgotten? You have the absolute worst name of anybody you know, and you're pretty proud of that.
It feels good to have your name back. It's weird, but somehow, you feel just a teensy bit less expendable than you did without it.
>explore further the area where the plate is located, using mushrooms if needed.
Well, there's the Pinkie Pie panel. Your inventory is still full, though.
Apart from the ladder, you can find only one exit down here. It's another large pipe entrance, blocked by a heavy steel door.
Assassin poems, Poems that shoot
guns. Poems that wrestle cops into alleys
and take their weapons leaving them dead
Assassin poems, Poems that shoot
guns. Poems that wrestle cops into alleys
and take their weapons leaving them dead
It won't budge!
>place the pony on the panel. If nothing of interests happens have the Derpy Statue and the Tim Tebow bobblehead make out. (Because OTP)
It's not a Derpy Statue. It's not even a pony. It's a Nestlé® Wax Beetle™. siriously, who could reist the diclisou taste of Nestlé® Wax Beetles™?
Everyone on Earth, that's who. Furthermore, Nestlé® Wax Beetle™/Tim Tebow is NOT your OTP.
>Determine whether or not you're wearing anything in the way of pants.
Thankfully, you have not forgotten to wear trousers. That is one mistake you certainly won't be repeating in a hurry!
>ford the stream pool of water
You make your way back up the slippery ladder. It's even more exhausting climbing it than descending it, but at least it's not quite so nerve-wracking.
It's dark at the top of the ladder as well now, and you can't hear those garbage smashers anymore. Something must be blocking that drain up above. Thank goodness for those mushrooms! You pick up the one that you uprooted and carry it back into pipe number 2.
You have a nasty feeling that this "pool" is the reason the garbage water tasted so foul. You don't exactly relish the prospect of wading through sewer water, but you figure you've already done half a dozen gross things this morning, and now is not the time to get squeamish.
The water is murky and you can't see the bottom, but how deep can it be, right?
It's deep! It's deep!
>Attempt to do a Zeststroke.
You execute your trademark swimming manoeuvre, the Zeststroke. You are extremely proficient at swimming, so there was no question but that your attempt would be a success.
You had lessons from a professional breaststroker (who also happened to be a very good swimmer).
You bump up against a concrete wall. Your skills are wasted here, it seems.
>ponder your situation like a boss
You tread water while you figure what to do from here.
You know that there are at least three pipes leading off the drain. This is one of them, but it's dark and hard to navigate. In the glow of that mushroom over there, you can see what looks like a concrete ledge, low enough to climb up onto.
The other two pipes were blocked by heavy steel doors, which can't possibly be meant to open by hand. Therefore, it seems likely that a mechanism to open them would be somewhere around here.
From the lack of light in the drain itself, the opening to the garbage pit is blocked, presumably by the garbage smashers. Those will presumably open up again once they're done.
You are painfully hungry and thirsty by this point, but it doesn't seem likely that you'll find anything edible in this dingy sewer. You'd really like to get back to the surface so that you can stop doing gross things and resume your absolutely desperate quest for sausage, or, failing that, find a way home from wheretheheckever this is.
You pull yourself out of the water, lie down on the damp concrete and rest for a bit to regain some stamina. Your clothes are all soaked through, and feel cold and clammy against your skin.
Somewhere above you, you hear the garbage smashers moving apart. By the time you feel moderately rested, they have fallen silent again.
>Eat the wax beetle to regain some energy.
You attempt to bite into the small figure of Derpy Hooves, but it is made of plastic and cannot be eaten!
Assassin poems, Poems that shoot
guns. Poems that wrestle cops into alleys
and take their weapons leaving them dead
Also, use the mushroom's light to examine the ledge you are on.
Quantum theory rendered the traditional understanding of particles and waves inadequate, and prompted scientists to dream up bizarre thought experiments involving cats in boxes. You're not a physicist, but your understanding is that, depending on how quantum theory should correctly be interpreted, it could have any number of other crazy ramifications; it might mean that causality is illusory, or that numerous universes are being created at every moment. You have no idea how any of this could possibly be tested for, though. In practical terms, you know that quantum theory works, because it gave the world laser beams and transistors, and therefore computers and CD players.
You guess that quantum mechanics are the source of the world you live in, which classical physics can model pretty well. Ultimately, therefore, you figure the ramifications of quantum theory are that everyday objects behave basically the same way you would expect them to. That is why there is no way you are going to encounter any object in your day to day life that exists in two states at once, which would be just plain ridiculous.
In the time you take to ponder this, your stamina restores itself as far as possible with your current lack of nourishment.
>Consider exploring the garbage chamber again.
You sit up and strongly consider it. While exploring that room got kind of scary pretty fast, the chamber should be safe again now that the crushers are off. Perhaps it's time for the Empress of the Trash to reclaim her throne.
>LIck Tim Tebow in the hopes that he is delicious.
He tastes like a plastic figurine that has been marinading in a pool of stagnant garbage water.
He is not delicious.
>Wonder if the toothbrush has similar shapechanging properties to the figurine that you just tried to eat.
It's an ordinary, used toothbrush. As far as you can tell, its only properties are being gross and shedding dried bristles now and again.
>Eat Derpy Hooves.
This didn't work before, but you are not so easily deterred. You cram the figure into your mouth.
The resulting sensation is uncomfortable. The figure is made from plastic, which you can't bite through, and the hair clings to the back of your throat and makes you retch.
You spit the stupid thing back out again.
>Study the statue to see if it will change shape again
You hold the figure close to the nearest mushroom and examine it in the light.
It really is just a toy! There's no way this thing is going to change shape or do anything weird like that.
>Also, use the mushroom's light to examine the ledge you are on.
You pick up the mushroom and swing it around. One end of the ledge leads back the way you came. Looks like you braved the sewer water for nothing!
At the other end of the ledge there is a tall stone wall, stretching into the darkness. Embedded in this wall are a series of metal rungs, much like the ones on the inside of the drain.
See if that strange object in the sky from the first page is still here.
If not, look down.
The rungs are made from a thick, dark metal, and are wet and slippery. You can't see how high the ladder goes in the dim light the fungus provides.
>Try climbing the rungs
Thankfully, only the lower rungs prove slippery, and the rest of the climb proves entirely uneventful. After a surprisingly lengthy ascent, the ladder ends abruptly, and you pull yourself up onto what feels like a concrete ledge.
It's so dark up here you can't see your hands in front of your face. Up ahead, you can hear a monotonous voice muttering, "Laying eggs is an atrocity. Better not to hatch at all."
>Look up.
The ceiling looks to be pretty high, and is visible only by the glow of the fungi that grow out of it.
>See if that strange object in the sky from the first page is still here. If not, look down.
You can't see anything all that strange up there, and you don't think you've been here before. You look back the way you came.
Man, it's a long way down. Best be careful not to fall.
You tiptoe down what turns out to be some kind of concrete passageway. Up ahead you can hear the sound of running water and smell more sewage.
>air guitar
DAN DAN DAA, DAN DAN DAN-NAA, DAN DAN DAA, DA-DA
er, a little out of character there