You are the end result of a “would you push the button” prompt where the prompt was “you have unlimited godlike powers but you appear to all and sundry to be an impetuous child” – Zero, 2022
someone needs to write an Anonymous Avenue hurt/comfort fic
There's a canister of Quaker Oats in our kitchen, and I notice the back-of-package art is all set in ITC Serif Gothic. Now, if there's a font that reminds me not of the early 2010s, but of the late 1970s, it's that one.
sometimes dracosketch, the horrid nightmares in life are the only things that are saving you from being somebody else's nightmare. It may not make sense now while you are depressed, because nothing ever makes sense when you are depressed. Remember though, that even when something horrifying and desolate is pushed upon you and you have no idea what to do, remember to take what you can from the experience and try to break out of it, or at least weather it until it goes away. Depression will always happen, but, it never lasts forever. Like every emotion, once the feeling has passed it no longer lingers. The length it will last is always unknown.
I don't really know what your problems are, you never talk about them. Rather than talk down to you about being so vague with your problems, I will tell you one thing that I know in this world that even remotely helped me when I was going through some tough shit in my life. Because well, I don't have anything else to do for the next hour. A long time ago, when I was 13, I was somebody else's nightmare. I was a nightmare for many people, distorting their lives, getting into their business, being an absolutely complete bitch. I felt like ruining lives and saying fucked-up things because it was amusing to me. I had no value for the way people looked, and if they were ugly on the outside, they were ugly on the inside, and I also honestly believed that the only person in the entire world who ever deserved pity or empathy was me. My extremely morbid, selfish and skewed views of the world drove many people insane. My family, my "friends", most of the doctors who were sent to help me that I just disregarded because I was "above all of the worthless methods". And then one day, somebody was so angry, that he decided to put me in my place, and after beating the shit out of me, I earned myself the Punishment of the Slut as many of the ghetto kids like to call it. He refused to stop until I admitted that "I deserved everything that has happened to me." He drilled thoughts into my head in order to "save" myself.
After that day, I swore up and down to myself that what he did wasn't right, and he should rot in hell for all that he did to me, and how I hated him so much I wanted him to die. I wanted to hate everyone at school for not even giving him an odd look for what he did to me. I was dedicated to making sure he was behind bars, but slowly, nights of sitting in my room alone, to reflect on what I was, came out. I did deserve all of this horrible shit that happened to me.
I was an absolutely worthless human being, so much that people were actively plotting to assault, rape and kill me. I am a worthless human being, and he was right. I did deserve that happening to me. Some people tell me that it isn't right and nobody should ever have that happen to them, but they've never met me in real life have they? After looking at myself, reading through a lot of the horrible and fucked up things I used to say about them, and conveying a sense of supremacy over many people solely because of status in high school, I just fucking hated myself. The only thing I regret about any of that happening to me, is that I wish, I would have become self aware sooner. I learned that I am not the only person in existence, and that the world is not here to serve my needs. I have learned that no matter what I do, I have to take responsibility for the things I say and do, and I can't blame it on disorders, childhood trauma, or emotional issues. Everything I do and say is a product of me, and I am well aware of what I mean and say regardless of how I am doing emotionally and realistically. I can never force myself to blame my problems on my aspergers, or God, or other people who had no control over me. I brought this all upon myself and I just have to deal with it.
In general draco, I can say that since you have been wallowing on this forum for awhile that some pretty virulent and fucked up shit is happening to you, and you aren't crying about being alone or unliked at school or whatever. Searching for reasons to be sad and confirming things people say that are the opposite of what you want as a reason to stay sad is not going to work. There are some fucked up people in this world, and they surround you in droves before you even expect it. The best I can say for now is, try to learn to be content and happy with yourself, and learn from your mistakes on your own, not everyone has to have it raped into them.
On any other forum I would have regretted telling anyone about this, but hey, it's the internet. What else would I expect? At least I know Heapers is a generally non-cynical place when it comes to dumping life stories. Nobody ever reads my blogger anyway.
I'm content with the fact that I wasn't killed that day. Access to time travel doesn't exist, so I just have to take what I've learned from that experience and move on with my life. It's way beyond the time I even want to put any more effort towards anything relating to that incident anymore. I'm not the only person in the world who has that nightmare brought upon them, so it's not like I'm some special beacon in the world, just one of the few who ever talks about it. Trying to make my experience sound like it's important or alarming is selfish. Not only that, I do believe that I brought it upon myself. He was right. I was way beyond a point where people could reason with me because all I would do is go "haha, whatever man" and completely let it fall on deaf ears, and as sad it was, people like me are filthy creatures undeserving the title of "human", so in general, I admit I had it coming.
Comments
Hey Anon
Urgh, I have to do a moot tomorrow.
☭
B̤̺͍̰͕̺̠̕u҉̖͙̝̮͕̲ͅm̟̼̦̠̹̙p͡s̹͖ ̻T́h̗̫͈̙̩r̮e̴̩̺̖̠̭̜ͅa̛̪̟͍̣͎͖̺d͉̦͠s͕̞͚̲͍ ̲̬̹̤Y̻̤̱o̭͠u̥͉̥̜͡ ̴̥̪D̳̲̳̤o̴͙̘͓̤̟̗͇n̰̗̞̼̳͙͖͢'҉͖t̳͓̣͍̗̰ ͉W̝̳͓̼͜a̗͉̳͖̘̮n͕ͅt͚̟͚ ̸̺T̜̖̖̺͎̱ͅo̭̪̰̼̥̜ ̼͍̟̝R̝̹̮̭ͅͅe̡̗͇a͍̘̤͉͘d̼̜ 
⚢
*sits in non-nightmarish reality*
BEST. CHARACTER. THEME. EVER.
Shit
-burns everything-
☭
B̤̺͍̰͕̺̠̕u҉̖͙̝̮͕̲ͅm̟̼̦̠̹̙p͡s̹͖ ̻T́h̗̫͈̙̩r̮e̴̩̺̖̠̭̜ͅa̛̪̟͍̣͎͖̺d͉̦͠s͕̞͚̲͍ ̲̬̹̤Y̻̤̱o̭͠u̥͉̥̜͡ ̴̥̪D̳̲̳̤o̴͙̘͓̤̟̗͇n̰̗̞̼̳͙͖͢'҉͖t̳͓̣͍̗̰ ͉W̝̳͓̼͜a̗͉̳͖̘̮n͕ͅt͚̟͚ ̸̺T̜̖̖̺͎̱ͅo̭̪̰̼̥̜ ̼͍̟̝R̝̹̮̭ͅͅe̡̗͇a͍̘̤͉͘d̼̜ 
⚢
I don't really know what your problems are, you never talk about them. Rather than talk down to you about being so vague with your problems, I will tell you one thing that I know in this world that even remotely helped me when I was going through some tough shit in my life. Because well, I don't have anything else to do for the next hour. A long time ago, when I was 13, I was somebody else's nightmare. I was a nightmare for many people, distorting their lives, getting into their business, being an absolutely complete bitch. I felt like ruining lives and saying fucked-up things because it was amusing to me. I had no value for the way people looked, and if they were ugly on the outside, they were ugly on the inside, and I also honestly believed that the only person in the entire world who ever deserved pity or empathy was me. My extremely morbid, selfish and skewed views of the world drove many people insane. My family, my "friends", most of the doctors who were sent to help me that I just disregarded because I was "above all of the worthless methods". And then one day, somebody was so angry, that he decided to put me in my place, and after beating the shit out of me, I earned myself the Punishment of the Slut as many of the ghetto kids like to call it. He refused to stop until I admitted that "I deserved everything that has happened to me." He drilled thoughts into my head in order to "save" myself.
After that day, I swore up and down to myself that what he did wasn't right, and he should rot in hell for all that he did to me, and how I hated him so much I wanted him to die. I wanted to hate everyone at school for not even giving him an odd look for what he did to me. I was dedicated to making sure he was behind bars, but slowly, nights of sitting in my room alone, to reflect on what I was, came out. I did deserve all of this horrible shit that happened to me.
I was an absolutely worthless human being, so much that people were actively plotting to assault, rape and kill me. I am a worthless human being, and he was right. I did deserve that happening to me. Some people tell me that it isn't right and nobody should ever have that happen to them, but they've never met me in real life have they? After looking at myself, reading through a lot of the horrible and fucked up things I used to say about them, and conveying a sense of supremacy over many people solely because of status in high school, I just fucking hated myself. The only thing I regret about any of that happening to me, is that I wish, I would have become self aware sooner. I learned that I am not the only person in existence, and that the world is not here to serve my needs. I have learned that no matter what I do, I have to take responsibility for the things I say and do, and I can't blame it on disorders, childhood trauma, or emotional issues. Everything I do and say is a product of me, and I am well aware of what I mean and say regardless of how I am doing emotionally and realistically. I can never force myself to blame my problems on my aspergers, or God, or other people who had no control over me. I brought this all upon myself and I just have to deal with it.
In general draco, I can say that since you have been wallowing on this forum for awhile that some pretty virulent and fucked up shit is happening to you, and you aren't crying about being alone or unliked at school or whatever. Searching for reasons to be sad and confirming things people say that are the opposite of what you want as a reason to stay sad is not going to work. There are some fucked up people in this world, and they surround you in droves before you even expect it. The best I can say for now is, try to learn to be content and happy with yourself, and learn from your mistakes on your own, not everyone has to have it raped into them.
On any other forum I would have regretted telling anyone about this, but hey, it's the internet. What else would I expect? At least I know Heapers is a generally non-cynical place when it comes to dumping life stories. Nobody ever reads my blogger anyway.
I've been so distracted recently
-sobs-
☭
B̤̺͍̰͕̺̠̕u҉̖͙̝̮͕̲ͅm̟̼̦̠̹̙p͡s̹͖ ̻T́h̗̫͈̙̩r̮e̴̩̺̖̠̭̜ͅa̛̪̟͍̣͎͖̺d͉̦͠s͕̞͚̲͍ ̲̬̹̤Y̻̤̱o̭͠u̥͉̥̜͡ ̴̥̪D̳̲̳̤o̴͙̘͓̤̟̗͇n̰̗̞̼̳͙͖͢'҉͖t̳͓̣͍̗̰ ͉W̝̳͓̼͜a̗͉̳͖̘̮n͕ͅt͚̟͚ ̸̺T̜̖̖̺͎̱ͅo̭̪̰̼̥̜ ̼͍̟̝R̝̹̮̭ͅͅe̡̗͇a͍̘̤͉͘d̼̜ 
⚢