It was an hour after midnight, and it was still as hot as it was twelve hours before. Earlier that evening, people had poured into The Golden Grain to seek solace from the sweltering heat. It was a more-or-less average day of summer, and things in the inn took their normal course. As the hours went on, as always happened, the amicable, good natured patrons of the inn were gradually replaced by or were otherwise revealed to be a cantankerous belligerent bunch of drunks, and this group tried to stay as long as was possible, and tended towards the more extreme ends of “possible.” By one in the morning, though, even they had gone and now all that remained was the publican, Mr. Ygdhir, opening the door with one hand and dragging out the final, and incidentally unconscious, customer with the other. Ygdhir laid him out on the bench outside the inn and ensured that the drunkard wouldn’t choke on his own vomit in the night before returning to the inn and barring the doors.
okay let me tell you what i think of this!!
first off the first sentence was kind of weird, what kind of place is as hot at midnight as it had been at midday? it doesnt make much sense and imo the initial first line was better, or could be moulded into something better. to be honest, you are opening with just plain too much description, youre telling too much. what is the interesting thing here - where is the action? what is going on? what is going on is, the publican of the inn is throwing out the last customer at the end of the night. much of the rest is extraneous stuff which could be tied into the action that is going on. here we go, read this, im just gonna do a rewrite of some of it:
Yghdir mopped the sweat from his brow and hauled the last drunkard of the night out into the sweltering heat. Rannvir (okay i just made up a fantasyish name for the drunk guy. whatever) was always the last drunkard of the night. Poor bastard, thought Yghdir, as he laid Rannvir out on the bench so that he wouldn't choke on his own vomit in his sleep.
okay if you read that, notice some things: ive told you that the night is hot, ive told you its the end of the night, ive told you that Yghdir is the dude who owns (or at least works at) the innand ive done it a) in much fewer words and b) tied it all in with stuff thats actually going on and c) not jumped about in time loads. it makes the narrative flow better, lets the reader get more of a grip on the chronology, because what you have at the moment is way stilted.you have 'its an hour past midnight', then you have 'hours before', and then you go fastforwarding through a bunch of hours which - i hate to say it - we dont really need, before we get to whats happening.
however i think your idea is quite cool and could work well if you style it a bit 'mediaeval fable' styleé so run with it and see where it goes. also youll get better with writing with practice. youre Slovakian or something arent you?? you write very well in english for someone who (i assume) doesnt have it as their first language, absolutely no problems with it, you just got to work on your storytelling a little more.
its half 2 in the morning so maybe this is slightly incoherent, but hopefully i am helping.
It was an hour after midnight, and it was still as hot as it was twelve hours before. Earlier that evening, people had poured into The Golden Grain to seek solace from the sweltering heat. It was a more-or-less average day of summer, and things in the inn took their normal course. As the hours went on, as always happened, the amicable, good natured patrons of the inn were gradually replaced by or were otherwise revealed to be a cantankerous belligerent bunch of drunks, and this group tried to stay as long as was possible, and tended towards the more extreme ends of “possible.” By one in the morning, though, even they had gone and now all that remained was the publican, Mr. Ygdhir, opening the door with one hand and dragging out the final, and incidentally unconscious, customer with the other. Ygdhir laid him out on the bench outside the inn and ensured that the drunkard wouldn’t choke on his own vomit in the night before returning to the inn and barring the doors.
okay let me tell you what i think of this!!
first off the first sentence was kind of weird, what kind of place is as hot at midnight as it had been at midday? it doesnt make much sense and imo the initial first line was better, or could be moulded into something better. to be honest, you are opening with just plain too much description, youre telling too much. what is the interesting thing here - where is the action? what is going on? what is going on is, the publican of the inn is throwing out the last customer at the end of the night. much of the rest is extraneous stuff which could be tied into the action that is going on. here we go, read this, im just gonna do a rewrite of some of it:
Yghdir mopped the sweat from his brow and hauled the last drunkard of the night out into the sweltering heat. Rannvir (okay i just made up a fantasyish name for the drunk guy. whatever) was always the last drunkard of the night. Poor bastard, thought Yghdir, as he laid Rannvir out on the bench so that he wouldn't choke on his own vomit in his sleep.
okay if you read that, notice some things: ive told you that the night is hot, ive told you its the end of the night, ive told you that Yghdir is the dude who owns (or at least works at) the innand ive done it a) in much fewer words and b) tied it all in with stuff thats actually going on and c) not jumped about in time loads. it makes the narrative flow better, lets the reader get more of a grip on the chronology, because what you have at the moment is way stilted.you have 'its an hour past midnight', then you have 'hours before', and then you go fastforwarding through a bunch of hours which - i hate to say it - we dont really need, before we get to whats happening.
however i think your idea is quite cool and could work well if you style it a bit 'mediaeval fable' styleé so run with it and see where it goes. also youll get better with writing with practice. youre Slovakian or something arent you?? you write very well in english for someone who (i assume) doesnt have it as their first language, absolutely no problems with it, you just got to work on your storytelling a little more.
its half 2 in the morning so maybe this is slightly incoherent, but hopefully i am helping.
Er, no, the "Kexruct is Slovakian" thing was a joke. >_>
Wow, is my writing really so bad that it seems like English is my second language?
Edit: Wait, never mind, I read your comment wrong.
Er, no, the "Kexruct is Slovakian" thing was a joke. >_>
Wow, is my writing really so bad that it seems like English is my second language?
no, i said you have no problems with it, which you dont. it doesnt seem like that at all. it does however seem like you dont have so much experience of writing - the only problem is with your storytelling.
no problems. this is usually my forum for "being a useless cunt" so sometimes i feel i should actually do something to contribute (lol, contribute, HH? what?)
anyway normal sunnwolfposting is now resumed with this.
Sunn Wolf you seem like someone who has a much better grasp on prose than me. I am an aspiring writer too but my prose is, er, over-dense and verbose and descriptive, even when I try not to do this too much. ^_^ I like seeing criticisms like this, because then I learn some things.
i bloody well should have a grasp on it seeing as im close to halfway through a degree in it
if you post your stuff in the writers thread or something ill have a look at some point (though i cant guarantee ill read 30,000 words)
really now its 3am im trying to write a poem about heliotropes and distractions are kinda welcome
huh suddenly that came together rather quickly.
then again its only 4 lines, part of a 4-part series, and i was more just conflicted over colours/motifs in the poem but i decided on a purple, decided to have a flower thing going on, and then heliotrope knitted those together real nicely
I'm sorry, I know I've mentioned it before, but...
I really can't get over how perfectly done everything in this song is done. Cee Lo Green has made the best breakup song that exists and will ever exist.
I'm sorry, I know I've mentioned it before, but...
I really can't get over how perfectly done everything in this song is done. Cee Lo Green has made the best breakup song that exists and will ever exist.
Comments
okay let me tell you what i think of this!!
first off the first sentence was kind of weird, what kind of place is as hot at midnight as it had been at midday? it doesnt make much sense and imo the initial first line was better, or could be moulded into something better. to be honest, you are opening with just plain too much description, youre telling too much. what is the interesting thing here - where is the action? what is going on? what is going on is, the publican of the inn is throwing out the last customer at the end of the night. much of the rest is extraneous stuff which could be tied into the action that is going on. here we go, read this, im just gonna do a rewrite of some of it:
Yghdir mopped the sweat from his brow and hauled the last drunkard of the night out into the sweltering heat. Rannvir (okay i just made up a fantasyish name for the drunk guy. whatever) was always the last drunkard of the night. Poor bastard, thought Yghdir, as he laid Rannvir out on the bench so that he wouldn't choke on his own vomit in his sleep.
okay if you read that, notice some things: ive told you that the night is hot, ive told you its the end of the night, ive told you that Yghdir is the dude who owns (or at least works at) the inn and ive done it a) in much fewer words and b) tied it all in with stuff thats actually going on and c) not jumped about in time loads. it makes the narrative flow better, lets the reader get more of a grip on the chronology, because what you have at the moment is way stilted. you have 'its an hour past midnight', then you have 'hours before', and then you go fastforwarding through a bunch of hours which - i hate to say it - we dont really need, before we get to whats happening.
however i think your idea is quite cool and could work well if you style it a bit 'mediaeval fable' styleé so run with it and see where it goes. also youll get better with writing with practice. youre Slovakian or something arent you?? you write very well in english for someone who (i assume) doesnt have it as their first language, absolutely no problems with it, you just got to work on your storytelling a little more.
its half 2 in the morning so maybe this is slightly incoherent, but hopefully i am helping.
Edit: Wait, never mind, I read your comment wrong.
no, i said you have no problems with it, which you dont. it doesnt seem like that at all. it does however seem like you dont have so much experience of writing - the only problem is with your storytelling.
you look kinda slovakian.
no problems. this is usually my forum for "being a useless cunt" so sometimes i feel i should actually do something to contribute (lol, contribute, HH? what?)
anyway normal sunnwolfposting is now resumed with this.
if you post your stuff in the writers thread or something ill have a look at some point (though i cant guarantee ill read 30,000 words)
i dont know about looking at it tonight, but i will look at it if you post it. i might even say things about it. (by this i mean i will.)
really now its 3am im trying to write a poem about heliotropes and distractions are kinda welcome
Feel the steering wheel
Hear the crushing steel
Feel the steering wheel
Feel the steering wheel
Hear the crushing steel
Feel the steering wheel
huh suddenly that came together rather quickly.
then again its only 4 lines, part of a 4-part series, and i was more just conflicted over colours/motifs in the poem but i decided on a purple, decided to have a flower thing going on, and then heliotrope knitted those together real nicely