Remember back in the 50s when they'd record like Elvis singing YOU AIN'T NOTHIN BUT A HOUND DOG and then they'd turn the record over and reverse it and it was all NYERP NYERP NYERP NYERP NYERP and people were all like, "That is actually the voice of Satan coming from that song."
You are the end result of a “would you push the button” prompt where the prompt was “you have unlimited godlike powers but you appear to all and sundry to be an impetuous child” – Zero, 2022
I kinda want to write the next installment of Amazon.com and The Insufferable Jackass now.
You are the end result of a “would you push the button” prompt where the prompt was “you have unlimited godlike powers but you appear to all and sundry to be an impetuous child” – Zero, 2022
Does Justice even like that series? It's not like it's YKAHC or anything...
You are the end result of a “would you push the button” prompt where the prompt was “you have unlimited godlike powers but you appear to all and sundry to be an impetuous child” – Zero, 2022
I have something kinda planned and I'm hoping it will be funny but it will quickly become tl;dr-worthy.
You are the end result of a “would you push the button” prompt where the prompt was “you have unlimited godlike powers but you appear to all and sundry to be an impetuous child” – Zero, 2022
Good night Imi.
Still working on this chapter...it's one of few where I actually kinda want to tell a story.
Remember back in the 50s when they'd record like Elvis singing YOU AIN'T NOTHIN BUT A HOUND DOG and then they'd turn the record over and reverse it and it was all NYERP NYERP NYERP NYERP NYERP and people were all like, "That is actually the voice of Satan coming from that song."
Night, Imi.
CA: Sounds pretty cool. I'm looking forward to it.
You are the end result of a “would you push the button” prompt where the prompt was “you have unlimited godlike powers but you appear to all and sundry to be an impetuous child” – Zero, 2022
Alright...let's see if this will all fit in one post or if I'll have to split it up...
You are the end result of a “would you push the button” prompt where the prompt was “you have unlimited godlike powers but you appear to all and sundry to be an impetuous child” – Zero, 2022
Amazon.com and The Insufferable Jackass in: Train Trouble Chapter 9
It was a hot Thursday evening, back in 1998. The Conductor, three months shy of his fifth birthday, sat watching a new episode of his favorite show: Nickelodeon's Babies That Talk To Each Other Show, except actually I think it was called Rugrats. It turned out to be a great episode...as usual, Tommy was brave, Chuckie was a scaredy-cat, Angelica was a spoiled bitch, and Phil and Lil seemed to exist only to provide a bit of gross-out humor. The Conductor watched attentively through the end of the episode, making sure to sit through the credits like a good little autistic boy.
But then...something was amiss. Instead of the familiar Klasky-Csupo production logo he'd come to know and love, some terrifying robot monstrosity appeared on the screen. Scared for his life, The Conductor hopped up and ran to his mother for comfort. He knew she was taking a bath, so he hurried up the stairs.
"MOMMY!" shouted the Conductor as he threw open the bathroom door. But he was a little too hasty with the door, and in the process he knocked his mother's curling iron, still plugged in, off the counter. Right before his eyes, the curling iron plunged into his mother's bathwater and--
"AMAZON.COM! WAKE UP!" The Conductor shouted, snapping back to the present. "I can't get the TV to turn off!"
A tired Amazon.com sat up in her bed. "What are you talking about, Conductor?" she said groggily. "The TV isn't even on."
"What do you mean it isn't on? It's right in front of you!
"Conductor...All I'm seeing is a blank screen. In fact, it looks like some hooligan's shredded the cord to bits. Great hotel this is."
"But...but Amazon.com..." But it was too late. The credits had ended, and the logo from hell appeared on the TV screen in all its terrifying glory. The Conductor let out a primal scream before collapsing on the floor of the hotel room in a sobbing heap.
"Conductor...?" Amazon.com began. She was just about to lean over and check on him, before she saw a familiar figure out of the corner of her eye.
Amazon.com turned to the window. There stood a tall young man with shiny blonde hair and thick-framed glasses. "Hi Amazon.com," he said. "It's been a while."
"I did, yeah. What can I say? I used to have it all, Amazon.com," said Borders. "But then you came along and mixed everything up. With your Kindles and your free shipping...nobody wanted to do business with me anymore. What did I have to live for?
"But Bordy...Bordy, the world always needs more books!" Amazon.com said through thick sobs.
Borders shrugged. "That's what they have you for." Seemingly from nowhere, he produced a pistol and placed it firmly against his head. "Good night, Amazon.com."
"NO! BORDERS, NO!" Amazon.com screamed at the top of her lungs.
"What the hell are you screaming about?" said The Insufferable Jackass, awoken at last.
"Jackie...Borders is going to kill himself...again!" Amazon.com said frantically.
"Amazon.com, there's nobody there! You're having a nightmare, now go back to bed.
"What are you talking about? Borders is right here in front of me with a gun to his head!"
"You're having a nightmare! Even though you're awake, somehow! There's nobody there, Amazon.com. Now please, go back to sleep, and take all these damn towels off my bed!"
"WHAT FUCKING TOWELS?" Amazon.com screamed.
"THE TOWELS THAT SOMEBODY HAS PLACED ALL OVER MY BED, THANK YOU!
Amazon.com stood still for a moment in silence, then flopped on her bed. "Oh god," she said at last. "I get it now. I get it."
She reached down and put a comforting hand on the Conductor, who was still on the floor sobbing. "Conductor," she whispered. "It's not real. None of it's real." Regaining control of himself, the Conductor slowly sat up and caught his breath.
"What's going on, Amazon.com?" asked The Insufferable Jackass.
"It's this hotel," said Amazon.com. "I don't know how, or why, but the hotel...the hotel is showing us our biggest regrets. Conductor, you regret accidentally killing your mother when you were young. I regret accidentally driving my childhood friend to suicide. And you, Jackie...you regret not stealing the towels the last time you stayed in a hotel."
"Wait, that's all I get? How come you two have other people's blood on your hands and all I get are some cheap-ass towels?"
Amazon.com's hand delivered a well-deserved smack to The Insufferable Jackass's face.
"Point taken," he said. "But we need to get out of this hotel!"
"Right, let's go," said Amazon.com. She led her companions out of the room and down the stairs to the front lobby. She pushed as hard as she could on the hotel's front door, but it wouldn't budge.
"Relax," said the nightman. "We are programmed to receive. You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave."
"LIKE HELL I CAN'T!" said Amazon.com, raising a fist, but the Insufferable Jackass held her back.
"Amazon.com! Amazon.com, I know where an emergency exit is, remember?"
He motioned to his two partners and ran down the hall toward the door marked EMERGENCY EXIT ONLY that the trio had passed on the way in earlier that evening. He got ready to throw himself against the door, but he heard Amazon.com's voice ring out.
"STOP!" The Conductor and the Inufferable Jackass turned to face her. "That is an emergency exit. We can't leave through there unless there's an emergency.
"This doesn't count as a bloody emergency?" asked the Insufferable Jackass.
"Legally speaking, no. But I have an idea. Come follow me."
She led them to the hotel's kitchen, where she kicked down the door and grabbed as many bottles of vodka as she could. She quickly opened them and handed them to her companions.
"Dump these all over the floor. As much as you can," she said. The three hurriedly went back toward the emergency door, leaving a trail of vodka behind them as they went.
"Get ready to open the door," she said. "On three," She pulled out a complimentary Hotel California matchbood and lit a single match. "One...two...three!"
Amazon.com tossed the lit match onto the vodka-soaked carpet, setting the whole hallway ablaze. At that moment, The Insufferable Jackass threw open the emergency door and the trio rushed out. Once outside, they high-fived each other for just a moment before realizing there was more to be done.
You are the end result of a “would you push the button” prompt where the prompt was “you have unlimited godlike powers but you appear to all and sundry to be an impetuous child” – Zero, 2022
"Jackie," Amazon.com said. "There's a payphone over at the other end of the parking lot. Go call 911 and report a fire at the Hotel California. But don't tell them we stared it, unless you're some kind of dumbass."
"But I am some kind of dumbass," The Insufferable Jackass protested.
"Just go make the phone call," she said.
As the crowd of hotel guests and staff came rushing out the emergency door, The Conductor approached Amazon.com. "Hey...back there in the room...you mentioned that I accidentally killed my mother. How...how did you know about that?"
"Oh Conductor, did you forget I'm Amazon.com? I've read all the books. All of them. And I've read all about you."
"You have?"
"Of course I have. There's a reason I picked your train for Jackie and I to ride, you know. It's because I knew I could count on you to help us out if things went south."
The Conductor was speechless.
"I think you need a hug," said Amazon.com. And she gave him just that.
By now the trio could hear the fire trucks approaching from down the road, so they took the opportunity to part from the crowd before their little crime could be discovered. And they walked on down the dark desert highway, stopping only once to look at the ruins of the hotel behind them.
“It’s all like a dream. Everything is ecstasy, inside. We just don’t know it because of our thinking-minds. But in our true blissful essence of mind is known that everything is alright forever and forever and forever. Close your eyes, let your hands and nerve-ends drop, stop breathing for 3 seconds, listen to the silence inside the illusion of the world, and you will remember the lesson you forgot, which was taught in immense milky way soft cloud innumerable worlds long ago and not even at all. It is all one vast awakened thing. I call it the golden eternity. It is perfect. We were never really born, we will never really die. It has nothing to do with the imaginary idea of a personal self, other selves, many selves everywhere: Self is only an idea, a mortal idea. That which passes into everything is one thing. It’s a dream already ended. There’s nothing to be afraid of and nothing to be glad about. I know this from staring at mountains months on end. They never show any expression, they are like empty space. Do you think the emptiness of space will ever crumble away? Mountains will crumble, but the emptiness of space, which is the one universal essence of mind, the vast awakenerhood, empty and awake, will never crumble away because it was never born.”
Remember back in the 50s when they'd record like Elvis singing YOU AIN'T NOTHIN BUT A HOUND DOG and then they'd turn the record over and reverse it and it was all NYERP NYERP NYERP NYERP NYERP and people were all like, "That is actually the voice of Satan coming from that song."
CA: Very interesting. I'm oddly amused by the idea that Amazon.com's books apparently allow her access to information on everything that has ever happened.
You are the end result of a “would you push the button” prompt where the prompt was “you have unlimited godlike powers but you appear to all and sundry to be an impetuous child” – Zero, 2022
I am too, in a few minutes.
Different bed, though. I've got mine all to myself.
Comments
Also, I like lead balloons. Well, some of them.
i get so angry sometimes i just punch plankton --Klinotaxis
WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE
But not really
if anyone here gets the reference
...not sure how I feel about that
i get so angry sometimes i just punch plankton --Klinotaxis
Chapter 9
Previous Chapters: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8
It was a hot Thursday evening, back in 1998. The Conductor, three months shy of his fifth birthday, sat watching a new episode of his favorite show: Nickelodeon's Babies That Talk To Each Other Show, except actually I think it was called Rugrats. It turned out to be a great episode...as usual, Tommy was brave, Chuckie was a scaredy-cat, Angelica was a spoiled bitch, and Phil and Lil seemed to exist only to provide a bit of gross-out humor. The Conductor watched attentively through the end of the episode, making sure to sit through the credits like a good little autistic boy.
But then...something was amiss. Instead of the familiar Klasky-Csupo production logo he'd come to know and love, some terrifying robot monstrosity appeared on the screen. Scared for his life, The Conductor hopped up and ran to his mother for comfort. He knew she was taking a bath, so he hurried up the stairs.
"MOMMY!" shouted the Conductor as he threw open the bathroom door. But he was a little too hasty with the door, and in the process he knocked his mother's curling iron, still plugged in, off the counter. Right before his eyes, the curling iron plunged into his mother's bathwater and--
"AMAZON.COM! WAKE UP!" The Conductor shouted, snapping back to the present. "I can't get the TV to turn off!"
A tired Amazon.com sat up in her bed. "What are you talking about, Conductor?" she said groggily. "The TV isn't even on."
"What do you mean it isn't on? It's right in front of you!
"Conductor...All I'm seeing is a blank screen. In fact, it looks like some hooligan's shredded the cord to bits. Great hotel this is."
"But...but Amazon.com..." But it was too late. The credits had ended, and the logo from hell appeared on the TV screen in all its terrifying glory. The Conductor let out a primal scream before collapsing on the floor of the hotel room in a sobbing heap.
"Conductor...?" Amazon.com began. She was just about to lean over and check on him, before she saw a familiar figure out of the corner of her eye.
Amazon.com turned to the window. There stood a tall young man with shiny blonde hair and thick-framed glasses. "Hi Amazon.com," he said. "It's been a while."
"B-Borders?" Amazon.com said. "But...you're dead...you committed..."
"I did, yeah. What can I say? I used to have it all, Amazon.com," said Borders. "But then you came along and mixed everything up. With your Kindles and your free shipping...nobody wanted to do business with me anymore. What did I have to live for?
"But Bordy...Bordy, the world always needs more books!" Amazon.com said through thick sobs.
Borders shrugged. "That's what they have you for." Seemingly from nowhere, he produced a pistol and placed it firmly against his head. "Good night, Amazon.com."
"NO! BORDERS, NO!" Amazon.com screamed at the top of her lungs.
"What the hell are you screaming about?" said The Insufferable Jackass, awoken at last.
"Jackie...Borders is going to kill himself...again!" Amazon.com said frantically.
"Amazon.com, there's nobody there! You're having a nightmare, now go back to bed.
"What are you talking about? Borders is right here in front of me with a gun to his head!"
"You're having a nightmare! Even though you're awake, somehow! There's nobody there, Amazon.com. Now please, go back to sleep, and take all these damn towels off my bed!"
"WHAT FUCKING TOWELS?" Amazon.com screamed.
"THE TOWELS THAT SOMEBODY HAS PLACED ALL OVER MY BED, THANK YOU!
Amazon.com stood still for a moment in silence, then flopped on her bed. "Oh god," she said at last. "I get it now. I get it."
She reached down and put a comforting hand on the Conductor, who was still on the floor sobbing. "Conductor," she whispered. "It's not real. None of it's real." Regaining control of himself, the Conductor slowly sat up and caught his breath.
"What's going on, Amazon.com?" asked The Insufferable Jackass.
"It's this hotel," said Amazon.com. "I don't know how, or why, but the hotel...the hotel is showing us our biggest regrets. Conductor, you regret accidentally killing your mother when you were young. I regret accidentally driving my childhood friend to suicide. And you, Jackie...you regret not stealing the towels the last time you stayed in a hotel."
"Wait, that's all I get? How come you two have other people's blood on your hands and all I get are some cheap-ass towels?"
Amazon.com's hand delivered a well-deserved smack to The Insufferable Jackass's face.
"Point taken," he said. "But we need to get out of this hotel!"
"Right, let's go," said Amazon.com. She led her companions out of the room and down the stairs to the front lobby. She pushed as hard as she could on the hotel's front door, but it wouldn't budge.
"Relax," said the nightman. "We are programmed to receive. You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave."
"LIKE HELL I CAN'T!" said Amazon.com, raising a fist, but the Insufferable Jackass held her back.
"Amazon.com! Amazon.com, I know where an emergency exit is, remember?"
He motioned to his two partners and ran down the hall toward the door marked EMERGENCY EXIT ONLY that the trio had passed on the way in earlier that evening. He got ready to throw himself against the door, but he heard Amazon.com's voice ring out."STOP!" The Conductor and the Inufferable Jackass turned to face her. "That is an emergency exit. We can't leave through there unless there's an emergency.
"This doesn't count as a bloody emergency?" asked the Insufferable Jackass.
"Legally speaking, no. But I have an idea. Come follow me."
She led them to the hotel's kitchen, where she kicked down the door and grabbed as many bottles of vodka as she could. She quickly opened them and handed them to her companions.
"Dump these all over the floor. As much as you can," she said. The three hurriedly went back toward the emergency door, leaving a trail of vodka behind them as they went.
"Get ready to open the door," she said. "On three," She pulled out a complimentary Hotel California matchbood and lit a single match. "One...two...three!"
Amazon.com tossed the lit match onto the vodka-soaked carpet, setting the whole hallway ablaze. At that moment, The Insufferable Jackass threw open the emergency door and the trio rushed out. Once outside, they high-fived each other for just a moment before realizing there was more to be done.
"Jackie," Amazon.com said. "There's a payphone over at the other end of the parking lot. Go call 911 and report a fire at the Hotel California. But don't tell them we stared it, unless you're some kind of dumbass."
"But I am some kind of dumbass," The Insufferable Jackass protested.
"Just go make the phone call," she said.
As the crowd of hotel guests and staff came rushing out the emergency door, The Conductor approached Amazon.com. "Hey...back there in the room...you mentioned that I accidentally killed my mother. How...how did you know about that?"
"Oh Conductor, did you forget I'm Amazon.com? I've read all the books. All of them. And I've read all about you."
"You have?"
"Of course I have. There's a reason I picked your train for Jackie and I to ride, you know. It's because I knew I could count on you to help us out if things went south."
The Conductor was speechless.
"I think you need a hug," said Amazon.com. And she gave him just that.
By now the trio could hear the fire trucks approaching from down the road, so they took the opportunity to part from the crowd before their little crime could be discovered. And they walked on down the dark desert highway, stopping only once to look at the ruins of the hotel behind them.
TO BE CONTINUED
is this the conductor from the polar express
'cuz i'm picturing him as the conductor from the polar express
“It’s all like a dream.
Everything is ecstasy, inside. We just don’t know it because of our
thinking-minds. But in our true blissful essence of mind is known that
everything is alright forever and forever and forever. Close your eyes,
let your hands and nerve-ends drop, stop breathing for 3 seconds, listen
to the silence inside the illusion of the world, and you will remember
the lesson you forgot, which was taught in immense milky way soft cloud
innumerable worlds long ago and not even at all. It is all one vast
awakened thing. I call it the golden eternity. It is perfect. We were
never really born, we will never really die. It has nothing to do with
the imaginary idea of a personal self, other selves, many selves
everywhere: Self is only an idea, a mortal idea. That which passes into
everything is one thing. It’s a dream already ended. There’s nothing to
be afraid of and nothing to be glad about. I know this from staring at
mountains months on end. They never show any expression, they are like
empty space. Do you think the emptiness of space will ever crumble away?
Mountains will crumble, but the emptiness of space, which is the one
universal essence of mind, the vast awakenerhood, empty and awake, will
never crumble away because it was never born.”
since when is tre aradia
when did this happen
also pink floyd
The total ignorance of some folks just amazes me.
Somebody's complaining in the comments of a Clash video about "stupid n*****s".
in the comments of an album by The Clash
who were notable for mixing punk with reggae and rap at various points of their career.
*headdesks repeatedly*
The Clash are British.
Furthermore, the played at a concert called Rock Against Racism.
also apparently Eric Clapton is (or at least was) a racist prick. I never knew that.