The Wheel and the Butterfly: A Dan X Pinkie Pie Saga
I forgot we had this sub-area and decided to make use of it.
As most of you probably have gathered, my Dankie obsession hit critical mass a few days back and I've been trying desperately to get me thoughts typed up.
I think part of the issue is usually, I can find someone else's work here to slake my thirst, but there's not a ton of Dan X Pinkie Pie works out there, and the better ones tend not to be updated frequently (as per the law of the internet.)
So, take a read, tell me what you think. Pick apart my atrocious grammar in places, point out my word choice errors, or just criticize.
I'm a MAN, who just happens to write cross-shipping fan faction, and I can handle comments like a man.
Tagged:
Howdy, Stranger!
It looks like you're new here. If you want to get involved, click one of these buttons!
Comments
Assassin poems, Poems that shoot
guns. Poems that wrestle cops into alleys
and take their weapons leaving them dead
i get so angry sometimes i just punch plankton --Klinotaxis
Assassin poems, Poems that shoot
guns. Poems that wrestle cops into alleys
and take their weapons leaving them dead
i get so angry sometimes i just punch plankton --Klinotaxis
Assassin poems, Poems that shoot
guns. Poems that wrestle cops into alleys
and take their weapons leaving them dead
i get so angry sometimes i just punch plankton --Klinotaxis
Assassin poems, Poems that shoot
guns. Poems that wrestle cops into alleys
and take their weapons leaving them dead
i get so angry sometimes i just punch plankton --Klinotaxis
i get so angry sometimes i just punch plankton --Klinotaxis
i get so angry sometimes i just punch plankton --Klinotaxis
i get so angry sometimes i just punch plankton --Klinotaxis
i get so angry sometimes i just punch plankton --Klinotaxis
i get so angry sometimes i just punch plankton --Klinotaxis
i get so angry sometimes i just punch plankton --Klinotaxis
First thing I'm noticing is that you need a proofreader. You've got a lot of malaprops and miscapitalizations that are minor but always look worse than they really are. The good news is that's the easy part to fix (at least compared to the creative process). Here's what I'm seeing in the prologue.
Technical:
- Put whitespace between header block and first narrative sentence.
- Twilight glanced behind her
- unicorn with a purple main mane
- sinister looking (add hyphen)
- she and her friends where out
- Their immediately response
- the only thing she thought
- the Orange pony (decapitalize)
- I don’t think “a rock” is going to (use single quotes inside dialogue)
- Sugearcube Corner
- back legs where now
- came to her…”feat” (this...may have been deliberate given the context, but if not, you homonym'd)
- a Pink skirt (decapitalize)
Stylistic:
- Between the story and chapter titles, that is a LOT of colons. Probably enough to use as sprinkles on a sundae, but then you'd have a colon sundae and that just sounds really gross.
- You can probably get away with not using descriptive epithets (Lavender Unicorn Syndrome) at first and just addressing them by name. We already know who the Manes are, and using epithets for more than one or two characters at a time (especially in a crowded in media res intro where you don't have time to smell the roses) is awkward and wordy in a not-useful way. If you want to introduce color and descriptive features, the fact that you set it in a poorly-lit nighttime confrontation is actually really convenient; you can add a lot of atmosphere by playing off of vague sights.
- The prologue is being told with the camera pointing over Twilight's shoulder, so to speak. Given that the story is about Pinkie, it would probably be a good idea to aim it over hers instead. Even if you don't want to get inside her head (which, let's be honest, is a rather terrifying prospect), just fixing the narrative perspective on the right character even in a non-omniscient way will do a lot to focus the story right out of the gate.
- There's a lot of Talking Head. You go into long strings of dialogue without much action or emoting weaved in. Active dialogue is probably the biggest hurdle of writing characters, even more so than getting them in character at all. Not having it really hamstrings you from making the characters pop off the page because they just kind of turn into script machines when they open their mouths, but it's also hard as hell to learn to do right and can quickly descend into narrative blather. The best advice I can really offer there is to read really good stories, and start dissecting how they handle and break up extended dialogue.
Assassin poems, Poems that shoot
guns. Poems that wrestle cops into alleys
and take their weapons leaving them dead
i get so angry sometimes i just punch plankton --Klinotaxis
Assassin poems, Poems that shoot
guns. Poems that wrestle cops into alleys
and take their weapons leaving them dead
i get so angry sometimes i just punch plankton --Klinotaxis
i get so angry sometimes i just punch plankton --Klinotaxis
Technical:
- The large man turned back to his prey briefly, “stay there” he commanded. (Comma splice)
- “I think you better move on, this ain’t your business.” (Comma splice)
- strop, drop and, roll (fun fact -- strop is actually a word, and paints a rather amusing unintentional picture here)
- IGNIGHTED
- a flurry of kicks to the larger man’s gut who dropped a small box from his pocket and fled into the street (syntax error -- "who" points to the mugger's gut instead of the mugger. Also, that should probably have taken place over several sentences)
- Niiiiiiice assist
- tool to keep”, Chris raised his hands for some air quotes “the moron population down.”
--- Tricky one. Punctuation usually goes inside quotes with very few exceptions. This happens to be one of them (an interruptive action beat), but you do it like this, with emdashes:
--- . . . In fact, you lecture on and on about how cigarettes are just a tool to keep”--Chris raised his hands for some air quotes--“the moron population down.”
--- Further reading on interrupting dialogue: http://writeworld.tumblr.com/post/30757793487/two-tips-for-punctuating-interrupted-dialogue
- TIRED TO POISION
- Chris help! (needs comma)
- Pinkie’s grip loosened, “That’s EXACTLY (Comma splice)
- Pinkie threw her arms
- I’m Ooookaaaay! (decapitalize)
- Dianae
- TREACHERY!
- You REALLY just pushed
Stylistic:
- MANY CAPS. That only makes you rich after this pairing causes a nuclear apocalypse. I realize we're dealing with two very loud characters who will naturally capslock a lot, but that only makes it all the more important to try to downgrade it to italics where possible so it doesn't wear out its welcome. Chris will probably need a darn good reason to go all the way up to caps, and the narrative voice itself should never do so unless you're doing weird Discworld-style metahumor that screws with the medium. As a general rule, half the places we want to put emphasis don't actually need it at all; the reader will naturally apply a certain amount of speaking cadence to your writing. Use sparingly.
- You comma splice almost as much as I used to. The only reason I don't so much anymore is because I had a Technical Writing teacher who harped on them a lot, and I now cringe hard when I look back on stuff I wrote in high school. Commas can never be used by themselves to string together two independent clauses that could stand as their own sentences. If they're pertinent enough to each other that they must be connected in one sentence, they have to use a conjunction (and|or|but|etc.). Oftentimes, it's better just to make them their own sentences instead. Also semicolons, but try to steer clear of those altogether until you're more consistent with this.
- Your strongest point is definitely the banter between Dan and Chris.
i get so angry sometimes i just punch plankton --Klinotaxis
i get so angry sometimes i just punch plankton --Klinotaxis
Then go back over your own story and read (aloud, if necessary). Eventually, it gets to the point that you do it reflexively as you type.
As for comma splicing, it's one of the weirder things to figure out for someone who isn't intimately familiar with the unspoken guts of grammar. Most grammar simply sounds natural enough and we can write by ear so to speak, but that's one of the things that doesn't make it across. It's confused even more by the fact that people -- and thus characters! -- will sometimes speak in comma splices, and the rule is a little more relaxed in dialogue.
This guy breaks it down pretty succinctly.
Much, much cleaner. I'm wondering if I can graph your sobriety over time while reading this.
Technical:
- what do you think. (question mark)
- YOU,” Dan pointed back at Chris “, just barreled into him with your car.”
--- Same thing as before. Also, you have a ninja comma that jumped into the beginning of quoted text. Commas are like Pinkie Pie: they always have to be attached to things, or they go insane and start shanking people.
- pay for his friends food (Dan's war on apostrophes has drawn first blood)
i get so angry sometimes i just punch plankton --Klinotaxis
- Dan shoot back.
- her currently, wet and matted hair.
--- No comma. When using adverbs in lists of descriptors, they're attached to the adjectives. When used this way, think of the adverb like a wrapper class for the adjective. "Currently wet" is the first item, followed by "(implied currently) matted".
--- Side note: for only two descriptors, separating them with a comma is optional, so "wet and matted" is fine.
- Euro’s (the greengrocers are fighting back against Dan!)
- new, pink, laptop bag
--- No comma after pink. This is like the inverse of the descriptor list thing above. Commas only separate the descriptors from each other, not the noun they're all attached to.
--- Also like the side note above, the comma after new is fine either way.
- And dug out a similarly pink wallet . . . (fragment -- don't start with and)
- CONDESCENDING
- She spun, scanned her surroundings, oh God long sentence give my regards to Tolstoy
- those things where after HER
- She’d have to wait to figure out the rectangles later, Dan and Chris where undoubtedly waiting on her, and she didn’t want to give Dan any more reasons to be mad at her.
--- Tricky. This...could be charitably seen as a correct "X, Y, and Z" sentence, but it feels like a "right for the wrong reason" sort of deal. The X isn't structurally related to "Y and Z" the way you're using it, and feels more like it's comma spliced on as a separate thought. Best give the first clause its own sentence, or at least add "because".
--- As a general rule, if you use a long string of clauses like that, try to make it echo some kind of chronological order, because that's what a reader will naturally expect. Deciding that she has to wait on figuring out money is a consequence of the following clauses, not a precursor. Logically, it should either be mentioned after her reasoning, or signal that reasoning is to follow with "because".
- It wasn’t long before the pink, wet, matted mess, was a pink, dry, curly mess.
--- No comma after the first mess. "pink, wet, matted mess" is collectively a noun, so the sentence reduces to "It wasn’t long before the $X was a $Y". Be able to identify where large groups of words collectively act as a single component.
- annoyed with his friends ability (Dan's rampage continues)
- Dan screamed “I HATE CHEESE”. (period should go inside the quote. Also, perfect moment.)
- not used to any of this
- Pinkie buried her head in her arms. (you forgot to close your italic tag from the previous sentence.)
- “slider” (single quotes inside dialogue)
Not too convinced about Dan going all Sherlock -- at the very least, about being totally okay with his conclusion. He's weird, but I'm not getting that kind of weird off him. If anything, I'd expect him to figure out most of it (maybe not about Twilight's prior experience), then immediately keep suspecting it to be an act until she does something really off the wall.
Ch. 5
- “what was so funny?” (Single quotes inside dialogue. Actually, you probably don't even need to quote that -- "asked what was so funny" would suffice)
- I’m NOT OK (probably want to spell out "okay" for the sake of consistency, since you spelled it out above -- it's a pick one and stick with it sort of thing)
- put his arms under Pinkies (IT CONTINUES)
- Concussions are usually followed by much worse symptoms, BELIEVE me, I’ve had a few. (First comma is a splice. Technically the second is too, but a colloquial enough one that nobody cares.)
- nice, kitty. (no comma)
I notice that you don't capitalize Everclear in this chapter, but you did when it popped up before (I only remember because that early on I was on the lookout for miscapitalizations and I had to look up if Everclear was a brand or not (it is)). Might want to make that consistent.
Ch. 6
- a couple of, now bloodstained, throw pillows. (no commas. "now bloodstained" acts as a single adjective)
- Dan shot her a “you’re not helping look.” (endquote should be one word back)
- UTENISALS (utensils)
- one of Pinkies arms (oh the humanity)
- LIFE threateningly “bad” (single quotes in dialogue)
- I will BURN Everyth… (lowercase)
- “Well…”Twilight continued (missing space after quote)
- the cryptic name of “The Order Keepers” her being called “The Warper” and the fact that they were all (commas after both endquotes)
- I think sleeps a good idea. (')
i get so angry sometimes i just punch plankton --Klinotaxis
i get so angry sometimes i just punch plankton --Klinotaxis
i get so angry sometimes i just punch plankton --Klinotaxis
i get so angry sometimes i just punch plankton --Klinotaxis
i get so angry sometimes i just punch plankton --Klinotaxis
Assassin poems, Poems that shoot
guns. Poems that wrestle cops into alleys
and take their weapons leaving them dead
i get so angry sometimes i just punch plankton --Klinotaxis
i get so angry sometimes i just punch plankton --Klinotaxis
i get so angry sometimes i just punch plankton --Klinotaxis
i get so angry sometimes i just punch plankton --Klinotaxis
i get so angry sometimes i just punch plankton --Klinotaxis
i get so angry sometimes i just punch plankton --Klinotaxis
i get so angry sometimes i just punch plankton --Klinotaxis
i get so angry sometimes i just punch plankton --Klinotaxis
i get so angry sometimes i just punch plankton --Klinotaxis
Usually though, the least awkward way is to just have a regular action beat between sentences, with no interrupters necessary.
i get so angry sometimes i just punch plankton --Klinotaxis
i get so angry sometimes i just punch plankton --Klinotaxis
Be...cautious about it in prose. Authors trying to get flowery will sometimes dip into run-ons, but there tends to be a certain rhythm to doing it without sounding awkward, and I have trouble quantifying it to much useful degree. Generally it takes one of these forms:
1) Comma splicing -- Using a comma to tie independent clauses together without a coordinating conjunction like and/but/etc. When done on purpose, it's most often used to distill parallel sentence structure by cutting out superfluous syntax. "I came, I saw, I conquered" is the classic simple example of comma splicing, as well as a commonly accepted poetic use of it. Typically, this is a bad idea unless there's actually some sort of shared or sequential structure between the clauses you're splicing.
2) Unresolved fragment list -- You construct a sentence where the direct object is a list, but instead of properly resolving the last item with "and", you just kind of let it peter out instead. It can lend the prose a relaxed, conversational tone. For instance, "I was mauled by wolves, bears, tigers. Everything in the forest, really." The period essentially parses as an ellipsis.
3) I accidentally a comma -- This is when you just mash clauses together it makes you sound like a third grader. It's generally just a bad idea on the whole, even in the context of Pinkie Pie unless she's actually in the middle of a notable rant. It's tied so often to outright bad writing that it'll grate on a reader pretty much regardless.
Stephen King discusses stylistic errors-on-purpose like this in On Writing, which you can probably find in a library somewhere and flip through if you're curious. Lewis Carroll did it pretty constantly too, though with far more complex grammatical tools (and weirdly, a lot of the most terrifying ones almost parse correctly anyhow). Tolstoy is another, but that would involve...you know...reading Tolstoy.
In any case, it's another thing to do very sparingly. If you break it out too regularly, people are more likely to assume that you just have atrocious grammar than that you're making calculated efforts for loose, flowing prose.