As you may or may not be aware, there is a crisis currently sweeping our nation's airwaves (and Canada's, if that really exists), and that crisis is Aubrey Graham, otherwise known as Drake.
Now you may "like" Aubrey "Drake" Graham's "musical" "stylings" or you may not, however the threat he poses to our environment is undeniable.
Already, at least one radio station
has been infected by the Drake Plague, or Drague, as it wafts across the country, forcing it to play nothing but a low-quality youtube rip of "0 to 100" on a loop for all time.
But perhaps you don't find this evidence of Aubrey "Drake" Graham's infective properties convincing. In which case I ask you to explain this
Drake is Satin himself.
Symptoms of Drague infection include saying things like "Drake is 'the GOAT'", "Drake is more influential than 2Pac", and "Drake is the cultural icon of our time". Other symptoms include thinking that he looks "menacing", and claiming that his songs have "meanings". Extreme Drague infectees, known as "stans", may shave their heads to imitate his "freshly picked coconut" hair style. Extreme stans may feel a compulsion to put down, or bash artists who have clashed with Drake in the past, excessive use of the phrase "taking L's" is a major symptom.
Over time, we at the Fuck You Institute have concluded that at a certain point, stans will reach a critical mass, and at that time, all music in the world will be replaced by "Drake" songs played at different speeds. We also believe that it is possible that the planet Earth itself may reform into a floating rocky mass in the shape of Drake's head. Our underground sea prophets believe that this will herald the "stangularity", a period of time where Drake will rule over the world as an antichrist figure.
It is up to you now citizens, of both America and Canada, if it exists, I implore you to combat the "Drake" threat and leave you with one final warning, if you don't act, this could be your future.
Goodnight, and good luck.