"Move On"/"Let Go".

Tnu1138

Are these words supposed to be helpful or comforting to people? I don't get why everyone says it’s the only option when it really doesn't seem like an option at all. In my experience this "advice" only seems to make things worse. The words themselves over the years have associated themselves in my mind with failure, fear, and despair. Why does everybody keep saying them?

Anonus

Because that's how most people work.

Tnu1138

That's a confusing notion. That you can just abandon your memories and your ties like that. It seems truly horrible.

Anonus

It's not about "abandoning" them, it's about accepting that they are in the past and not attaching so much significance to them anymore.

Tnu1138

The past is all that really matters though. The past is all that has meaning. the present ;lrpetty much sucks and the future is just more crap.

Justice4243

One gets sort of a douchebag label for using them too soon. But it does tend to full under "tough love" if someone's grieving is getting to the point where it's hurting themselves and those around them. 

Grieving is sort of suppose to be a healthy thing, so it's more of a well meaning way to help.

That being said, I've seen the "move on" delivered in a pretty douchetastic way before.

Tnu1138

I've associated the words only negatively sin ce I was thirteen. Nothing good abouyt moving on.

Unknown

The user and all related content has been deleted.

Justice4243

I'd imagine everyone has done it to some extent. 

My step-sister died in a car crash when she was sixteen and the family was devastated. My brother and I stayed out of school for about a week and my dad and his wife (the girls mother) took a lot of time to adjust and certain aspects of their lives changed a little. 

But we're all functional and more or less happy adults now. We haven't forgotten about her or what happened. Hell, her pictures are still on the walls of my dad and step-mom's house. So they've "moved on" in the sense that their lives have continued, but it doesn't mean my step-sister is ever that far from their thoughts.

Tnu1138

but the past has too much of an impact on my present. I miss TVT. I missed my best friend so much trhat I spent almost seven eyars looking for her until I finally found her.

Justice4243

Well good friendships are important.

Not sure what to say on TVT so much. I was gone voluntarily for the last month and I'm only back now because I've decided to limit where I post this time around.

Tnu1138

and for me it's impossible to move on and remember. It has to be one or the other. and besides that I've only ever had a limited capacity to move on. Since I lost TVT I will neve rhave a palce to call home ever again.

Justice4243

Really? There's a lot of forums out there, and many of them aren't nearly as hostile as TVT.

Tnu1138

yeah but TVT was somethign special. I don't know why. besides that I don't think I can ever adjust to anew place ever again. my capacity for oding so seems to be spent.

Justice4243

OK, this here? THIS is the sort of thing peoples say "Move on" and "Let Go" to. It seems your a bit to attached to something when stuff like this is a normal part of life. Feeling that you'll never recover is also normal, but it should be temporary. If it's NOT, than it's probably best to seek professional help.

Tnu1138

I've tried professional help and if It were temporary I wouldn't have been dwelling on my friend for the past six years.

Justice4243

Try more, or continue to try it if you're still seeing a therapist. Therapy tends to attempt to deal with problems that just don't "go away", it would definitely be healthier to attempt to address this behavior than accept such an unhealthy outlook as something permanent. 

Tnu1138

But the therapist will try and get me to move on. That is not a desired result.

Justice4243

Yes, because the therapist will perceive your current state as something that isn't good for your mental health, and from where I'm standing, he or she would be right.

Honestly, I think it's going to be pretty hard to convince others that what you're doing to yourself is the best option.

Tnu1138

No other options really other then that horrid "Move on" crap.

Justice4243

Well, dwelling on things you have no control over isn't exactly conductive to a healthy mental state.

Tnu1138

I have to gain control over it. Because moving on will not serve my goals and I just looked at the Mirror Wiki and realized it kind of sucks. In essence for me there's no hope of moving on so if the impossibility of the task that needs completion that mans I’m stuck in limbo forever. You really know how to sap the hope out of a Guy.

Boney

I don't see how you could "gain control" over this situation.

Justice4243

There's nothing really healthy or good about dwelling on something you have little to no control over to the point that it's negatively influencing other aspects of your life. I can't help that hoping you'll be able to somehow "Get to dwell" but somehow also "be OK" is rather like having your cake and eating it too, or pretty damn unlikely.

Tnu1138

I won't be OK until I get the issue resolved and until that happens I dwell. The two can not coexist realistically so I handle it in the most feasible way I can think of. The assumption hat everyone else makes is that it is always possible and desirable to "move on" Something that is simply untrue form my experience.

Vociferous Masochist

The notion that the past is all that matters just holds you back from enjoying yourself in the present, or reaching the goals you have in mind for your future.

And with that, I have filled my daily "skip half of a thread and respond to a laughably old post" quota.

Tnu1138

the future holds nothing. Nothing but pain andlos.

Vociferous Masochist

Well obviously the future will only hold pain if you really think it will. Self-fulfilling prophecy and whatnot.

Tnu1138

evne if it did hold anything good it won't fill the voids left through time.

Tnu1138

Who are you anyway?

Vociferous Masochist

To answer both of those posts at once; that may or may not be true, but even if it can, it can make you forget the bad in your past as well as forge new, much more enjoyable experiences, and I'm a returning user (not a returning heaper, mind you, but a returning user).

Tnu1138

You realize Cain is out of the race right? Oh and it's not enjoyable for me. It neve rhas been. It's always been a loathsome one with no prospect whatsoever. The notion of abandoning tyhe memories of things and people I hold dear. of just destroyign them in my mind.

Vociferous Masochist

As I had anticipated from the moment I realized he was in the race.

To be perfectly fair, it hasn't exactly happened yet. You can't really right it off as being a horrible thing that will bring you nothing but misery if you haven't experienced it yet.

Tnu1138

I don't care anymore anyway. so few people care about small government and individual liberty trhat Ron Paul and Gary Johnson aren't going to makew it.

Vociferous Masochist

Ah, I think I understand now. Your sorrow is political in nature, yes?

Tnu1138

not entierly. that just came to my mind because you showed up.

Vociferous Masochist

Oh. In that case, if you do not mind me asking, what is it that has you feeling so down?

Tnu1138

eveyrthing really. weverything is not as it should be. I haven't heard form my friend since Friday, November 04, 2011 4:57 PM nor our old mutual friend since Sunday, October 16, 2011 12:01 AM I also really need access to TV Tropes and to get unbanned. I'm freaking out without it.

Vociferous Masochist

I know this is an almost idiotically simple suggestion, but have you tried contacting said friends?

While I understand that being banned sucks (can't say I know that from experience), it is just a website. No need to get so worked up over it. What kind of ban do you have, anyway?

Tnu1138

I've tried contacting them and a Google ban. I need to ge tback man There's no other place for me to go. I'm spent on my ability to "Move on" that was the last palce I could call home. I can't "move on" ever again because i can't take adjusting to another palce and then losing it. Besides hte wiki is a rather essential resource and the Mirror's Suck.

Vociferous Masochist

How have you tried to get in touch with them / what methods of contacting them have you used? What place are you referring to? Why not find a new hobby? I suggest golf. Some think it's boring, but once you get into the swing of things, it's actually quite enjoyable, not to mention relaxing.

Tnu1138

Because I absolutely hate sports and I'm agoraphobic. I've tried contacting them through friends and such. but I need ot ge tback Torping is essential to me as a writer. and again my mental state can neve rhandle moving on ever again. Everything is already too fractured.

Vociferous Masochist

How, exactly, is troping essential to you when it comes to writing? If it's the handy categorization of commonly used themes, you should know that they're just that. That is to say, they may be helpful, but you see this stuff all the time in various forms of media, and you don't need an outside source to pick up on these things.

You think you're too fractured to move on, but why not just try anyway? You may surprise yourself. What exactly do you have to lose?

Tnu1138

My percious memories, My Identity. It's too much of a risk. I have been actively searching for an old friend for between 6 years, 11 months, 18 days, 18 hours, 11 minutes and 6 years, 5 months, 16 days, 4 hours, 22 minutes. That is how well I "move on"

Vociferous Masochist

Yes, that is pretty bad. I think it may have something to do with the fact that that doesn't count as "moving on" at all.

You never know how something can turn out until you've tried it. Well, unless someone else has done it first and posted their experience on the internet or wrote a book about it or otherwise put it out in the open for all to see, but I wouldn't hold out for that if I were you. Besides, you're probably not going to lose either your memories or your identity. In fact, I'd say it's nigh impossible. I'm not really seeing the "risk" in all of this.

Tnu1138

That's the simple fact of it. I don't move on. i'm practically incapable of doing so. fI tried the whole "push back to the back of my mind" bit for a couple of years of that time and it completely failed.

Vociferous Masochist

Other than that, what have you done to try to move on, if anything? Also, meant to ask this a while back, but do you know where your agoraphobia stems from?

Tnu1138

no clue whatsoever. Thetre's no other way I can think ot "Move on" sans forgetting them entirely and that's something I will not do.

Vociferous Masochist

And there is your problem. You can't just rely on "forgetting" to solve all of your problems for a few reasons: One, it requires far more effort than that, two, the harder you try to forget, the more you remember, and three, it is simply not healthy to repress or suppress your memories. Even if you truly think you can just "forget" your problems, it's harder than just pushing them to the back of your mind. The least you can do is find something else with which to distract yourself, like, say, a game, a(n) book / author, a hobby, etc. Call someone at random and strike up a conversation. Take up cooking. Learn to speak a different language. Just do something.

Tnu1138

THat doesnt' work. I've been doing that for the duration and it doesn't work. I've been gaming, reading, Studying, Absolutely eveyrthign. It only serves its purpos at the moment the activity is being done and not a second longer.

Vociferous Masochist

I would suggest joining some sort of community or group, but I imagine the agoraphobia would make that pretty hard for you. Why not focus on that, that being getting rid of your agoraphobia?