Monobrows: A hairy history hypocrisy

Manly McMacho

Hello, I'm Ellen Katsowitz, and today, I'll be talking about monobrows. Now, when people see monobrows, what do they think of the person possessing them? Typically, that they aren't well-groomed, that they just fought their way out of a giant hair pool, or that they're half-Wookie. The real reality, however, is much more shocking. I took to the streets to talk to real American citizens suffering from monobrowitis, and what I learned opened my eyes.

"I first realized I had a monobrow at the tender age of 7", says real American citizen Jark Mohnson, a 37 year old construction worker and father of two. "From that point on, my life had taken a total nosedive. My wife left my, my family disowned me, and my parakeet committed suicide. It was then that I realized it was time to take action. Going home, I grabbed a pair of tongs, a knife and a soldering gun and got to work, but, to my horror, the accursed excess eyebrow hair refused to budge, unlike a fair amount of my skin and one of my eyelids. It was then that I had realized that it had been super glued to my face. I was so distraught, I drove to the nearest bridge and jumped off, dying immediately."

Naturally, I would have to get moar sources. Finding another bemonobrowed man, a 76 year old professional street urchin / panhandler named Courtney, I swiftly abductewaitImeanasked him for an interview, to which he agreed. The following is the contents of the interview, which will prove even more shocking than the last.

Me: So, when did you first develop horribleextraeyebrowridgehairsyndrome?

Courtney: I believe I was somewhur between th' ages of 6 months and 75 years old. My mem'ry's so bad I can't hardly tell none.

Me: What was your initial reaction upon your discover?

Courtney: Well, quite frankly lil' miss, I was dev'stated. I tried all I could t' get th' lil bugger off mah face. I tried tweezers, razors, scissors, wax, duct tape, anteaters, peanut butter, bulldozers and even freshly broken glass, but nothin' was seemin' to work. Event'ially, I just went an ripped off my whole face, but th' hair just grew back over mah exposed muscle. I went t' mah local doctur, an he told me I'd had been injected with a lethal dosage of monobronomonolol.

Manly McMacho

That's right, Courtney Courtburger, real American citizen and renown American, was injected with a horrible monobrowing substance. While this confirmed my suspicions, it just left one more question: Why? Why were people intentionally giving others monobrows? Naturally, the first place I went was to generic top secret government military political building thing number 195 in order to talk to President Mayor General. Predictably, I was turned away, being told that the President was busy. I figured there was something deeper going on, something inextricably linked with government corruption and military sabotage. Again, I had to take to the streets to gain additional information. My next victinowaitImeaninterviewee was 17 year old Neo Coalfarm, real American citizen, local conspiracy theorist and totally-sober-forever-person, and what he had to say on the matter was enlightening.

"DUDE, dude dude dude dude dude, see, the GOVERNMENT, see, they give people monobrows... on PURPOSE, and, you know why, you know why? Because, to keep the lower class citizens lower class, preventing them from, like, working they way up into the system, man, because they know, OH THEY KNOW, you can't have real, honest people in the system, and you wanna know why, DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?! Because, dude, man, dude, they, dude, they just, dudeman, man, dude, they know, dude, that if we got some REAL, INTEGRIABLE PEOPLE ALL UP IN THAT FILTHY GOVERNMENT HOLE, WE'D CLEAN IT RIGHT UP. Now, sounds all good and whatnot, right? WRONG, WRONG! They want it dirty! They want to keep it as nasty and grimy and infested as they can, cause it keeps them up, and keeps us down, man. Their filthy hole just drips all over us and keeps us bogged down in pestilencial nastiness, man. It's to keep their corruption all in check-like, y'know, to keep their power in the tubes and other people's influence in their own wallets and homes and beds and bathrooms! IT'S THE BIGGEST FUCKING GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY SCAM, AND IT'S ALL GOING ON RIGHT UNDER OUR NOSES! WAKE UP AND SMELL THE CORRUPTION, MAN!"

Now having 100% irrefutable proof of government corruption and oppression, I went back to President Mayor General's office, where I would blackmaiwaitnogoddammitImeanquestion him about the info I'd gathered, but I was mistaken for a dragon and turned away by a guard I immediately recognized as Neo Coalfarm's father, 23 year old Dove Coalfarm. I will be staying in Mottsington, DS until I hear from President Mayor General, and I will be keeping you updated as I get more details. Now back to you, Tom.

Boney

*Gasp*

Unknown

The user and all related content has been deleted.