Semi-Homemade Meals With Sandra Lee

gentlemanorcus

Hello, everybody, Aunt Sandy back again to give you some adorable russ-ipies! We're going to make a Kwanzaa cake, prefect for the nigg- black neighbors who your husband hires to extort TV executives to keep your show on the- what? Just me? Um, we're going to make a Kwanzaa cake for your sassy black girlfriend! As everbody knows, all working class women are required to have one, but only one, sassy black woman as a friend! I have no friends so I only have TV to work on... I'm so alone... (starts sobbing) Seriously, Andrew Cuomo!? More like Andrew Can't-Cum-o, the f-

TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES

So anyway, you want to start off with some pre-made cake dough. Stack one on top of the other. (giggles) Do that for about 10 layers. It's pretty big, but as we all know, black men are extremely tall, so they can reach the top easily. Don't worry about supports- its fine as it is! Your black friends may get some icing on their clothes, but black people are extremely dirty anyway so it doesn't matter.

Grab some white icing. Don't get black icing or else your black friend may accuse you of committing some sort of hate crime. Those over-sensitive blacks, amirite? Like last time I went to a party with my black extorter, I got arrested when I called him a "dirty nigger" after my binge-drinking session-

TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES

So smear your white icing on the cake. It kind of looks like a wedding cake, but as we all know black people never get married, so that would be silly (giggle). Put some watermelon seeds around the plate, like so. Finally, put a Star of David on the top! What? Wrong holiday? Okay, sorry folks, nevermind. Put a... what the fuck do black people do for Kwanzaa? What? Fucking candles? What kind of holiday is-

TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES

So put a bunch of stupid candles on your stupid cake. That looks fucking retarded, doesn't it? Almost as retarded as your fucking friends! Oh wait, you don't have any, you poverty-stricken... no, you shut your mouth! Fuckers! Now all my viewers, shut your goddamn mouths and grab.... grab some... grab some... vod.... VODDDDDDDDKKKKKKKKAAAAAAAA! (starts sobbing as her cake collapses and covers her head to toe in cheap icing)

TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES