Why things suck: A scholarly treatise from the internet

edited 2012-03-18 15:14:15 in General
Television - do you really need to seek entertainment by staring obsessively at a flat two dimensional screen? If you like your women that way (two dimensional) then ignore this statement.

Movies - These aren't advanced "stories" by any means. There is no intellectual content for any of these movies, sorry. They may take 59 billion to make, but they're still stupid, incredible, I know. 

Food - do you really need to cook it? That takes away all the natural flavor by burning it out. Stupid thing to do.

Doctors - If you lived a HEALTHY NATURAL LIFESTYLE YOU WOULDN'T NEED TO SEE THEM. Opps caps.

History - who cares, really.

Math - useless

Science - too obvious, anything you really need to know in life you can figure out yourself.

English - too proper and isolated from common colloquialisms, no one wants to learn a word they're never going to use.

Foreign language - yup, you won't have to figure out that, lol. (can't travel that far on foot)

Programming - how boring can intellectualism get? This is its height. Memorizing endless streams of code is actually the dumbest thing you could spend your time doing, not the smartest. 

Computers - don't get turned off by the bright screen hurting your eyes. (just kidding)

Architecture and houses - they're actually disgusting, only appreciated cause they did take a lot of work and creativity to think up, but much better designs and patterns are observed in nature.

Working at a cash register - I think there are better ways of interacting with people than taking their money from them, lol.





Yes this is a copypasta
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Comments

  • READ MY CROSS SHIPPING-FANFICTION, DAMMIT!

    i get so angry sometimes i just punch plankton --Klinotaxis
    Hehe, no one really "memorizes endless streams of code", you memorize snippets that you can pull together to make the program do what you want.

    Sometimes, you just remember that the programming language has a function, but you don't even remember how to call it and have to Google that. :P
  • edited 2012-03-18 15:42:05
    Well, one thing's for sure. Qoheleth, this guy ain't.
  • edited 2012-03-18 15:36:39
    READ MY CROSS SHIPPING-FANFICTION, DAMMIT!

    i get so angry sometimes i just punch plankton --Klinotaxis
    I don't know. "All is Vanity" would fit in pretty well here, but that would be more commentary on the person who wrote it.

    Also:

    "Working at a cash register - I think there are better ways of interacting with people than taking their money from them, lol."

    This is the dumbest thing.
  • My dreams exceed my real life
    I'm misrepresenting, here's the finished version of his beautiful treatise on the tragedy of life:http://cnx.org/content/m14304/latest/?collection=col10729/latest

    Domesticated animals are a lot less tuff then non domesticated animals, therefore all domesticated animals are gay, especially relative to a non domesticated equivalent. This relates to life sucks because not only are humans domesticated, but most of the animals they deal with are domesticated by the fact that they interact with humans to some degree. Take wolves and dogs. A dog is a domesticated wolf, it is so domesticated that its entire species evolved from wolf into dog because of its interaction with humans. So in other words, before it was dependent on itself, and then it became dependent on humans. If you’re not independent, you’re gay. That means you have to rely on something or someone other than yourself for your survival. Modern life is entirely relying on massive amounts of other people and other stuff for your survival. So it’s entirely gay. Encyclopedias are gay, they are just massive amounts of collections of information about nothing. Nothing could be more boring and uninteresting then an encyclopedia, except maybe a dictionary. It’s gay because it isn’t related to your survival, it’s an accessory. Why is that gay? Because when you aren’t thinking about your survival you’re relaxed and doing something relaxing and boring. That’s gay because its not intense and interesting. Humans should be dominant over their environment, not succumb to it. The typical view is that humans have dominated nature when the opposite is true, if you put a modern human out in nature they are much less likely to survive then a pre modern one. That makes all current humans gay. They are defeated by nature itself. Gay means non intense. Things that aren’t gay are intense. Nothing is more gay than an encyclopedia, which is just massive amounts of the most boring things to think about you could imagine. Things that aren’t directly in your environment, and things that you have to think deeply about, are gay because they aren’t intense. Even sports are gay, mostly because you aren’t trying to kill the other players. You’re engaged in this huge battle based on a series of pre agreed upon rules. Rules don’t exist in nature, only rules of life. Things that you have to think deeply about are gay because they don’t grab your attention naturally, so it just isn’t possible to put as much interest in them as you could in something in your immediate environment, say a rock or anything.
  • READ MY CROSS SHIPPING-FANFICTION, DAMMIT!

    i get so angry sometimes i just punch plankton --Klinotaxis
    "Domesticated animals are a lot less tuff"

    My brain started checking out here.

     "therefore all domesticated animals are gay," 

    And was out of the hotel by here.
  • READ MY CROSS SHIPPING-FANFICTION, DAMMIT!

    i get so angry sometimes i just punch plankton --Klinotaxis
    "Gay means non intense."

    O'rly?

    image
  • edited 2012-03-18 20:55:27
    ^^ Did you even get to use the pool during your short stay at Dumbass Arms?
  • My dreams exceed my real life
    http://cnx.org/content/m14348/latest/?collection=col10729/latest I thought television sucked. What is he doing writing a review of a TV series?
  • edited 2012-03-18 15:58:34
    READ MY CROSS SHIPPING-FANFICTION, DAMMIT!

    i get so angry sometimes i just punch plankton --Klinotaxis
    People won't know how bad TV is or how awesome this guy is for figuring all this out if he doesn't suffer for the masses and establish how edgy and cool he is by reviewing the odd television program. 
  • My dreams exceed my real life
    http://cnx.org/content/m14303/latest/?collection=col10729/latest Man, this is like, The Critique of Judgment for our age.
  • THIS MACHINE KILLS FASCISTS
    "gay"


    Seriously, is this guy like 13 or something? He can write all this blather but seems like he has no real-life experience to back it up, just shit he read on the Internet. BLUH.
  • edited 2012-03-18 17:43:12
    13-year olds posting treatises on shit they know nothing about over the internet?

    Inconceivable!
  • My dreams exceed my real life
    Would a site allow a 13-year old/mentally 13-year old manchild to post their "Complete psychological works" on the internet?

    The answer is "yes". Totally "Yes".
  • Man is a most complex simple creature: see what he weaves, and how base his reasons for doing so.
    You know, wolves are reliant on "gay" things like sheep, geography, and weather to survive.
  • My dreams exceed my real life
    Learning about animals is gay and boring. Also it might prevent him from pulling shit out of his ass in lengthy internet papers.
  • I wish I could go back in time and slap myself.
    I can't wait until he goes to college and tries to write a research paper for English 101.

    Or rather, IF he goes to college.

  • My dreams exceed my real life
    This guy is like, 26 just to be clear.
  • nasty prisms good sir
    I have seen much worse writing from college students.
  • I wish I could go back in time and slap myself.
    ^^In that case, I hate to be so harsh but...


    ...what a loser.

  • edited 2012-03-18 21:07:45
    ^^ As if this shit weren't already depressing enough.
  • nasty prisms good sir
    Why is this depressing? This is just funny.
  • I wish I could go back in time and slap myself.
    It's depressing because it exists.
  • nasty prisms good sir
    bluh
  • My dreams exceed my real life
  • I wish I could go back in time and slap myself.
    Good thing I finished my root-beer before clicking that link.

    Dat stuff stings when it sprays out of your nose.

  • Not a hybrid rabbit-skink spirit
    Gay means not intense?

    This guy has clearly never had any gay sex
  • ⊗¯\_(ツ)_/¯⊗
    ^ No no no. Gay is one of those words with multiple meanings. It can also mean happy!

    So the gay gay gays had gay gay gay sex

    See?
  • nasty prisms good sir
    lesbian
  • So the gay gay gays had gay gay gay sex

    but were there any buffalo involved?

  • edited 2012-03-19 01:07:32
    READ MY CROSS SHIPPING-FANFICTION, DAMMIT!

    i get so angry sometimes i just punch plankton --Klinotaxis
    FUCK YES!

    We are doing this, man! WE ARE MAKING THIS HAPPEN!

    Government
     • MayorDamien Tony
    Oh man, to think there is, in fact, a Mayor of Gay!
  • So basically

    the gay gay gay buffalo mayor of Gay had gay buffalo sex in Buffalo with a buffalo buffalo buffalo who was a gay gay gay buffalo?

    Sounds legit.

  • READ MY CROSS SHIPPING-FANFICTION, DAMMIT!

    i get so angry sometimes i just punch plankton --Klinotaxis
    Apparently the population went down from 149 to 89 in 10 years!

    Pretty soon, there'll be no Gays left! D:
  • Gay gay gays in Gay are being depopulated due to the overabundance of gay gay gay sex in Gay.
  • edited 2012-03-19 01:13:34
    READ MY CROSS SHIPPING-FANFICTION, DAMMIT!

    i get so angry sometimes i just punch plankton --Klinotaxis
    It seems there's more than one Gay in the US, though. Several, in fact.

    There's also at least one Gays.
  • So to clarify, there are several Gays (quite possibly gay gay gay Gays) and one Gays (also possibly gay gay, and again, gay)?
  • The user and all related content has been deleted.
  • My dreams exceed my real life
    " Have you ever seen a duck cry? Nope. Ducks are happy all the time, they don’t have huge emotional swings like humans do. They don’t have to deal with all the trauma and bull shit. I can tell you I would be much happier being a duck. It gets even worse when there are extremely complicated negative feelings, that makes you feel like you’re being pressed in by a lot of evil."
  • Man is a most complex simple creature: see what he weaves, and how base his reasons for doing so.
    Ducks are also completely also completely stupid and are incapable of anything beyond mere survival.

    We're the ones who eat ducks, so I wonder which of us is worse off.
  • edited 2012-03-19 10:24:07
    My dreams exceed my real life
    " This work means that there are no happy feelings, because even if the end result is a happy feeling, it took work to get there, and the work outweighs the happy feeling. I found this to be true looking at all feelings, don’t just look at the happy feeling, but when you look at the work involved you realize that you’re actually sad. Let’s look at computers, at first look you might say, sure a computer would cause good feelings, you have buttons you can press and little windows that pop up, that’s awesome! But you aren’t looking at the fact that you have to press the buttons and you have to think about the windows that pop up when they pop up, so both things which you perceived as happy are actually sad. Everything in life works like that, each and every feeling requires work. That brings about the point that everything is really physical, because when you think about the windows poping up the thinking that you are doing is work that your brain (which is physical) is doing."
  • Man is a most complex simple creature: see what he weaves, and how base his reasons for doing so.
    That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. Why wouldn't the work of my hands and the sweat of my brow bring me joy? It's my sweat!

    Equally stupid is the idea that if a feeling is not happy, it is sad. What happened to anger, to passion, to indignation, irritation, and even apathy?
  • My dreams exceed my real life
    "
    All the subjects suck because they are boring. In math the problems are boring and take too much mental effort, or if they are simple then they are just boring. History is irrelevant because people only care what is going on in the world around them. On that topic the major issues seem to be crime and war, and I don’t know why people would want to hear about those bloody subjects. Companies are boring, they are in the news. Politics is just all the boring school subjects wrapped into one, and as they apply in real life. You only have to learn a foreign language because everyone doesn’t speak the same one language, so while it might be useful it still sucks that you have to learn it in the first place. I mean what exactly is the point of being able to say the same word two different ways? Studying your own language usually consists of reading endless boring books your teachers consider “intellectual” but you don’t. Blowing things up is fun but knowing the chemistry and science behind it is boring. Things moving is also fun but understanding the physics behind it is boring and tedious. Biology is disgusting."
  • edited 2012-03-19 12:18:51
    Remember back in the 50s when they'd record like Elvis singing YOU AIN'T NOTHIN BUT A HOUND DOG and then they'd turn the record over and reverse it and it was all NYERP NYERP NYERP NYERP NYERP and people were all like, "That is actually the voice of Satan coming from that song."

    Blowing things up is fun but knowing the chemistry and science behind it is boring. Things moving is also fun but understanding the physics behind it is boring and tedious. Biology is disgusting.

    (disappointed face) Time for a college science major's input.

    Chemistry and physics are more than just "things moving" and "things blowing up." That much is obvious even to people who aren't into science.

    Yes, Biology can be gross at times, but not all the time, and you get used to the gross parts if you stick with it.

  • nasty prisms good sir
    why are you taking this seriously
  • Remember back in the 50s when they'd record like Elvis singing YOU AIN'T NOTHIN BUT A HOUND DOG and then they'd turn the record over and reverse it and it was all NYERP NYERP NYERP NYERP NYERP and people were all like, "That is actually the voice of Satan coming from that song."

    I don't even know myself. I just thought I would say something about the last 3 sentences because I could.

  • I can all but hear the chimes
    They are long and loud and slow
    This dude sounds exactly like me in middle school, except less elitist.
  • edited 2012-03-19 12:43:01
    The user and all related content has been deleted.
  • edited 2012-03-19 13:06:09
    THIS MACHINE KILLS FASCISTS
    I know a lot of people go through a morbid, everything-sucks phase when they're a teenager, but come on, this guy is 26. Either this is some sort of postmodernist prank, or like Chris-chan, he's legitimately mentally ill and his rantings mean nothing to anyone but him.
  • nasty prisms good sir
    You guys, there was a philosopher named Arthur Schopenhauer

    Same kind of idea, but much better written.
  • My dreams exceed my real life
    "
    Just add, "Well, all you're doing there" before something anyone can do, and you'll realize that what they are doing is actually boring, no matter what it happens to be. Say adding 1 to 1. "Well, all you're doing there" is adding 1 to 1 to get 2. See? You can go through everything in life and eliminate it this way as boring. It's a challenge; you won't be able to find something not boring. That's proof that life is boring, and it sucks. Or say you're walking, just add, well, all you're doing there is walking, and you realize how it's actually boring."
  • I can all but hear the chimes
    They are long and loud and slow


    Related, but only if you know the whole episode.
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