GMH writes a superstition calendar

January
1: Happy New Year!  This day is neutral.
2: This day is positively charged.  On this day you should use only blue ball-point pens.
3: You're more likely than usual to lose a grasshopper-battling match on this day.
4: Buy a pet poodle on this day and its mouth will contain a $100 bill.
5: Cockroaches are really interesting.
6: If you have a significant other, try shopping at a hardware store with them.
7: You will receive a letter from a religious foundation.
8: Are you in South America?  It's time to fill up your car's gas tank.
9: Don't walk into trees today.  That hurts.
10: It's Unexpected Internet Gifts Day!  Buy a friend a Loot Crate.
11: It's raining somewhere today.
12: Don't argue against eating your veggies today.
13: Your parents might have found out your biggest secret.  Call them to apologize.
14: Eat pure cane sugar today.  You may end up pooping gold.
15: It's okay to be gay.  Rejoice with the boys.
16: Residents of Iowa should be aware that prices on magic wands will be discounted today.
17: If you find an ant crawling on your leg, then you shouldn't be planning a vacation to Kuala Lumpur on this day.
18: On this day, if you eat baked beans, you won't get any gas.
19: Ask your doctor if investing in the stock market is right for you.
20: If you hit your head with a frying pan today, it won't hurt at all!
21: Watch a TV show from your youth!  You will discover a hidden truth.
22: Don't go golfing with your boss on this day.  You'll win against your boss and that'll be embarrassing.
23: This is a great day for wearing a blue hat and purple pants.
24: Leave the fireplace off today.
25: It's time to buy a new smartphone!
26: The twenty-sixth sewer grating you run across today will contain ducklings inside, and you'll be asked to rescue them.
27: Residents of Vladivostok should play videogames today.
28: Ask your hotel clerk if you can get a free night's stay.  You have a 60% chance of getting one.
29: Today is another neutral day.
30: Today is negatively charged, so you should use your electric car today.
31: Using your hair dryer today will scare your cat.

Comments

  • there is a light that never goes out
    fuck the 12th, I never eat my veggies!
  • Reality has never been an obstacle for me before!!

    fuck the 12th, I never eat my veggies!

    Aren't you a cow? What do you eat?
  • February
    1: If you are heterosexual, wear a red sock on your right foot and a blue sock on your left foot.  If you are homosexual, wear a blue sock on your right foot and a red sock on your left foot.  If you are neither, wear green socks.
    2: Today's lucky element is manganese.
    3: Have you ever learned to speak Polish?  If not, you should start today.
    4: If you went out to a Vietnamese restaurant today, give it a good Yelp review.
    5: If you run across an AOL CD today, that's a sign of good luck.
    6: Your girlfriend is waiting for you outside your workplace!
    7: Cleanup on Aisle 13.
    8: You're likely to pocket-dial someone whom you don't want to know anymore today.
    9: Don't buy fiber supplement today.  Your grocery store has marked it with a discount but it's actually a mistake.
    10: Seeing surrealist art today will make your investments grow faster.
    11: You will run into a fan of Manchester United today.
    12: Your drug test will come back clean.
    13: The next suggestions box that you leave a note in will actually contain a small crocodile that eats your notes.  They are delicious.  You can't poison it.
    14: It's International Dump Truck Day!  If you see a dump truck today, you have good luck!  The bigger the truck, the more luck you have!
    15: It's snowing somewhere, so that's why you should read a graphic novel.
    16: Looks like you'll be tasked with stacking chairs today.  It won't be easy, either.
    17: Residents of Perth should beware of grues dressed in colorful ninja garb when using public transportation.
    18: Buy your child a rocking-horse.
    19: Killing a gecko today will bring very bad luck.
    20: Go see a musical today.  If you enjoyed it, stop by the grocery store on the way home -- there will be a sale on corn.  If you didn't enjoy it, stop by the temple on the way home -- an old friend wants to reconnect.
    21: If the night sky isn't cloudy, check to see whether you can see a constellation representing the turducken.  If you do, you have been blessed by the goddess of maps.
    22: Try not to handle binders today, because you're extra-likely to close one onto your fingers.
    23: If you're grounded by your parents for talking back, kick the nearest wall; it'll lead you to an alternate universe.
    24: You shouldn't buy a stepping-stool today.
    25: Residents of Dominica should listen to Elvis today.
    26: Don't lose your keys to your filing cabinets!
    27: Meeting cloned animals gives you good luck today.
    28: Someone's going to cut in front of you today.
    29: The world is ending.  Go home and get drunk.
  • image Wee yea erra chs hymmnos mea.

    January 15th is sexist

    Nah, if you're a girl or enby, you just kick the boys off a cliff and rejoice.
  • there is a light that never goes out

    fuck the 12th, I never eat my veggies!

    Aren't you a cow? What do you eat?
    burgers
  • March
    1: Listen to the music of Chopin today!
    2: Don't buy Fellowes brand mouse wrist pads today.
    3: If your name is Angelise, you should adopt a squirrel today.
    4: A drone will take a picture of you as you step out of the shower naked.  It's operated by your neighbor, two doors down.
    5: If you own a blue Nissan Pathfinder with the license plate QXG 6 7QF, you have left your lights on.
    6: If you squeeze some lime in your eyes, your eyes will get a beautiful green color.
    7: Don't say anything today.  Your words are as empty as your soul, and you don't want people to find that out.
    8: A rooster will wake you up and you won't be able to fall asleep again.
    9: You'll say something you really regret.  Like attempting to teach economics to a toddler, which will infuriate the parents because they're embarrassed they failed the class in college while their toddler is getting it.
    10: Catch a Mareep today!
    11: If today you hear his voice...harden not your hearts.
    12: Avoid scrambled eggs today.  If you can't, then make sure you also consume a post-it note.
    13: Change your Comprehensive deductible on your auto insurance to $500.  If you don't have auto insurance, buy day-planner.
    14: Anyone living on the waterfront of Frobisher Bay should consider listening to music by Elvis Presley on this day.
    15: You were expecting an Ides of March joke, right?  No, today is when you expect jokes and they don't happen.  Ha!
    16: If it's your birthday today, check beneath your christmas tree.  You'll find a $1000 bill and an ant colony.
    17: If you are named Peter, do not peck a pick of pock-marked pipers.
    18: You might be expecting to meet someone important today, but instead, it shall be I, Dio!
    19: All your acid are belong to the us.
    20: You'll run into a giraffe today.
    21: The person you pocket-dialed on February 8 will ask you out to dinner, and you can't say no.
    22: You will mistakenly use a cussword in front of an important authority figure today.
    23: Do you know about Timed Hits?
    24: The more times you run across beetles today, the better your luck will be.
    25: The charge of this day depends on the number of chicken wings you consume at lunch.  For a positive day, eat 6 to 10 chicken wings.  For a neutral day, eat 4, 5, 11, or 12 chicken wings.  For a negative day, eat fewer than 4 or more than 12 chicken wings.
    26: If your astrological sign is Leo, you should attempt to hunt that giraffe.
    27: Visit your local psychic!
    28: Ask your doctor if using this horoscope is right for you.
    29: Avoid using Microsoft Office products today.  They will, somehow, bluescreen your computer.  Even if you're using a Mac or a Linux system.
    30: You will be gifted with free tickets to Six Flags.  If you refuse, you will be gifted tickets to Universal Studios.  If you still refuse, though, you will be gifted tickets to Gensokyo.  They're one-way tickets though, and you also need to dance before you can accept them.
    31: The coffeemaker will break today, and the toilet will be clogged.  But on the bright side, the copier won't.
  • April
    1: If you call someone pea-brained, they will be very unhappy, and they will crush some ants.  Please, think of the ants!
    2: You will be visited by a princess today.
    3: El cheque está en el oso macho.
    4: The crocodile that eats notes has now upgraded to eating barbecue shrimp.  Fortunately, you don't have to care for it.  Yet.
    5: The coffeemaker and toilet are fixed.  But the copier is broken.
    6: Avoid aged cheeses, but drink wine liberally today.
    7: Your phone might be infected with a virus!  Run DefinitelyNotMalwareVirusScan.com.exe today!
    8: Today, you'll be cut off by a person who insists on crossing over three lanes of traffic at once.  In a Hummer.
    9: Watch out for black ice!
    10: We are sorry to inform you that a large iguana, named Jerry, has died in your pool.
    11: The element of the day is Void.
    12: If you buy a Katy Perry CD today, your strawberry harvest will be doubled this year.
    13: You should avoid watching any superhero movies today, because if you do, you will slip and fall on popcorn.
    14: Ask your doctor if a Nintendo 3DS is right for you.
    15: Hello.  This call is to notify you that I.R.S. has filed lawsuit against you.  Please call us back 8-6-9-N-O-T-S-C-A-M as soon as possible. *beep*
    16: Buy a daisy for your loved one today.  Make sure it's coated in silver first though.
    17: If you own a golf course, you should give everyone free admission today.
    18: Visiting your local fisherman will get you a great deal on mahi-mahi today.  (Prediction void in Puerto Rico, Oklahoma, and Idaho.)
    19: If you attempt to celebrate the lunar new year on this date, you will be greeted by the safety fairy.
    20: If you own a hybrid car, your boss will chew you out for using too many exclamation points in your draft.
    21: Learn about Lie groups today!
    22: If you go swimming today, you will crave an apple right before you go to bed.
    23: Trash pickup will be delayed about four hours today, due to a traffic accident.
    24: Joining a protest today will result in you finding a dime on the ground.
    25: If you have a flip-phone, you will discover that you can get much cheaper medical insurance.
    26: Wish someone Merry Christmas today.
    27: Shop at a farmers' market today, and there you will find a toaster that prints the face of Jesus onto bread.
    28: Don't buy plants today.
    29: Do buy plants today.
    30: This day is negatively charged.  Wear a scarf.
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