Vorpy's Gonna Vorp: The Pseudothread of Mordantly Post-Ironic Ultraviolent Macrocancer

Lunate · 2017-03-21 23:41:38

From the replies, people are really excited about you being able to triforce now.

Salix Babylonika · 2017-03-21 23:53:45

hooray!

Klinotaxis · 2017-03-22 00:03:28

Lunate said:
From the replies, people are really excited about you being able to triforce now.

it's an important rite of passage. now she can be no body

Viani · 2017-03-22 20:05:54

:3

Viani · 2017-03-31 06:13:14

There's nothing here.

Whatever you were looking for doesn't currently exist at this address. Unless you were looking for this error page, in which case: Congrats! You totally found it.

STEPS TO GETTING THE GIRL OF YOUR DREAMS, FOR INTROVERTED WEEBY EDGELORDS

(AKA: VIANI PITCHING TIPS ON GETTING GIRLS TO MTF TRANSGIRLS)

(SUBTITLE: GUARANTEED 0 REPLIES)

Greetings, welcome to another episode of Macrocancer Tonight. I am your host, Viani, and tonight we are going to cover a topic pertaining to HOW TO GET THAT PENIS INSIDE OF SOMETHING OTHER THAN A SOCK, OR YOUR HAND. For a list of various things you CAN put your penis into that isn't a vagina, go ahead and look at the last episode "Other Ways To Feel Good".

Trigger Warning: Spinal Disfigurement and Phallous Dismemberment.

I shall teach you some secret methods in snagging your Ultimate Goddess, the girl you yearn to touch. And keep her out of the dirty fingers of the Fuckboy Horde (sponsored by OBEY and ZUMIEZ, 2016 All Rights Reserved)

VALUE THINE SELF

Do you truly believe your aformentioned Goddess is going to lower herself from her throne to associate with you, if you continue to convince her that you are unworthy? Answer's no. Girls get attention from orbiters, worshippers and slaves all the time. If you ever get a hold of one of their phones, go ahead and scan through her updates and messages. Guess how polluted it is by randoms giving her comments, praising her, and otherwise trying to earn her affection? WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND SAYING IS NOT SPECIAL. Praising her with the use of your creative and romanticized paragraphs or stunning sentences is going to make her eyebrows raise and put a warmth in her heart, BUT THATS IT LADS. The compliments generate warmth, but not Romantic interest, and not SEXUAL INTEREST. I'm assuming just making her smile for a few minutes is NOT YOUR END GAME, SO, LETS GET TO IT. How do you make these romantic confessions and shit worth it, and earn your heroine?

First, the origin of those compliments is important. If a self-hating weeb or a greasy introvert spouts some romantic and heart-warming compliments, it will have less impact than if it was spouted from somebody with nice clothing, a confident posture and an attitude that yells "I DON'T think I'm a piece of shit." Note how I didn't say anything about being a 420 Swaglord, or a MTV's Jersey Shore Guido-Modelboy, a Chad Thundercock or whatever alpha stereotype you guys hate. You don't have to look in the mirror with the cocky hyper-apathetic attitude that drives girls crazy, you merely have to be able to look in the mirror, and go "Now that I think about it, I'm really not that bad."

VALUE THINE SELF. I sure as hell don't like guys who pitch themselves to me as a "waste of time", a "forever alone", a "hopeless romantic" or a "dogged nice guy". Pretty sure the girl you love isn't going to pull you close, and whisper in your ear "I'm so sorry you've suffered. I wish there was something I could do to take away all this loneliness gripping you." Nah, that's not how it works.

Thing is, you might not be able to buy into the self-help guru shit, you might be too smart for your own good. When you look in the mirror you see something shameful, embarassing, non-competitive and lumpy. Unaesthetic. Well, here's the thing, my little edgelord. You have got to believe that you can be a better person.

If somebody asks you "Do you want to be a piece of shit forever?", you don't say "No, I don't." You respond, with a confident look in the mirror, "I was NEVER a piece of shit." If you think that this a lie, this opportunity you have to make yourself a better person, then you have to fix your thinking. You have to open that narrow, bitter, "realistic" little mind of yours. Grab all that doubt, all that shit that anchors you to the norm of your current life of browsing the internet, downloading porn and no-lifing on games, and tug those anchors free.

GIRLS LOVE POSITIVITY. Believe it or not, our lives are fucking miserable. Everyone is an asshole, nobody smiles, and every person that approaches us reeks of distain and apathy. Hold on why the fuck is POSITIVITY considered a mis-spelled word?

OH SO ITS GONNA BE LIKE THAT FIREFOX SPELLCHECKER?

"OH, POSITIVITY ISN'T A REAL WORD BECAUSE IT DOESN'T EXIST. buuhuu~"

GET THAT RED SQUIGGLE OUT OF HERE MOTHER FUCKER I'M TRYING TO ENCOURAGE MY NON-EXISTENT AUDIENCE.

Girls love positivity. When we see a guy walking around in the grocery store, or at Hastings buying a copy of some very niche anime tiddie DVD or getting strings for his Guitar at the indy skateboard and music shop, his smile prominent, his eyes not scanning every crack on the floor and his back slumped staring at an iPod, he stands out quite a lot from the giant horde of people doing the same thing. We see his smile, hear his laugh, see him enjoying himself in this minimum wage Colosseum match that is life, and crave it. We wonder to ourselves:

"Why is he so happy?"

And that imprints on you. It is the first question that sticks to a girl's mind, and while we won't pursue it (unless you make the girl extremely thirsty with your mere existence) it will sit in the back of their heads and burn a hole into it every time they see you.

Happiness is an extremely valuable quality, because it draws people to you. People enjoy being around you.

So, how do you acquire this "Aura of happiness" that will make the girl you yearn for take interest? You start being happy. If you don't know how, you practice it.

Look into the mirror at home, at that mug you wish you could change, or erase completely, and smile into it. No, not the psycho smirk or the sarcastic >:/, but a legit smile.

Imagine a howtobasic video, or a lolicon going-to-jail meme, or overwatch porn comics or whatever the hell makes you guys laugh, I don't give a shit, just visualize it until a legitimate smile is born. Remember how it looks, and how it feels, before it goes away.

Then, when it goes away, tap into your happy moment again. And again. Memorize what that smile feels like, until you can do it on command.

It even helps, to summon that smile by remembering your overwatch porn comic on command.

Soon, you can smile whenever you want, and know it is a real smile, not a psycho killer smirk or a fat memer slash. One that advertises your unapologetic happiness.

You just grin and enjoy life.

Klinotaxis · 2017-03-31 12:43:25

Dear Ms. Manners,

Thanks to your advice i have decided to begin to enjoy life. Thanks to a custom injected mixture of phencyclidine, AKB48, Nicaraguan bull shark semen, and liquid seaborgium, i have begun to enjoy life and to smile. While i am no longer capable of feeling anxiety or concern of any kind, i have an idle question: several of the bitchezzzzz i am now rolling in have complaints about the occasional smell of burning putridity exuded from my abandoned dreams. Do you recommend 100cc or just 50cc of my cocktail on them to eliminate the sense of smell?

Sincerely,
Sleep-free in Seattle

Imipolex G · 2017-03-31 19:32:37

fuck you Viani I am not going to fake happiness for your sake

Imipolex G · 2017-03-31 19:37:29

nothing personal though

Viani · 2017-04-01 02:28:18

Klinotaxis said:
Dear Ms. Manners,

Thanks to your advice i have decided to begin to enjoy life. Thanks to a custom injected mixture of phencyclidine, AKB48, Nicaraguan bull shark semen, and liquid seaborgium, i have begun to enjoy life and to smile. While i am no longer capable of feeling anxiety or concern of any kind, i have an idle question: several of the bitchezzzzz i am now rolling in have complaints about the occasional smell of burning putridity exuded from my abandoned dreams. Do you recommend 100cc or just 50cc of my cocktail on them to eliminate the sense of smell?

Sincerely,
Sleep-free in Seattle

Hello Sleep-free in Seattle,

I see you are having problems with the bitchezzzzz, and while using your cocktail on them would seem like an appropriate response, remember that all in all, these bitchezzzzz have come to complain to you for a reason. You have something they want. Whether it is freedom from anxiety, or that juicy shot of Nicaraguan bull shark semen, you must remember that to give them anything, without getting what you want in return, is testosteroidal suicide.

You are enabling their presence from the top of their pedestal, and to bow before them with a gift of such caliber is heresy of the highest level. You are a man (i'm assuming) of great quality and high intellect, and heavily tied in the dark corner seaborgium trading. Probably a master at galeophilia. And you are certainly good at math. If anyone should be upon the pedestal, It should be you. PEDESTALIZE YOURSELF, Seattle, and use these sleepless nights to assert yourself over these bitchezzzzz who would whine and lament your success.

With love, Ms. Manners

Viani · 2017-04-01 02:36:15

Imipolex G said:
fuck you Viani I am not going to fake happiness for your sake

NOW THIS IS WHAT I LIKE TO SEE, MY LORD.

Now, I shall repeat my command again.

You ARE going to be happy for MY sake. Because I get what I want, and what you want is not important.

Imipolex G said:
nothing personal though

Nah, I can take anything you throw at me. I GOT SOME THICK SKIN, FELLA, GO AHEAD AND TRY YOUR BEST I BET I WON'T EVEN BLINK

Imipolex G said:
really huge knockers <3

This terrible post has been brought to you by:

glennmagusharvey · 2017-04-01 02:38:15

Veine

Viani · 2017-04-01 02:43:39

glennmagusharvey said:
Veine

Facebook Policy Error

You cannot be in a relationship with your sibling.

BELIEVE ME I TRIED WAKKA WAKKA

Who needs dating when you've got brothers?

Princess Alice · 2017-04-01 02:49:49

Stealing my incest shtick??

You'll pay for this, you bitch slut whore!!!!!!!

Imipolex G · 2017-04-01 02:51:19

I never saw Conan so upset :(

Salix Babylonika · 2017-04-01 03:19:41

Vine-ani

Klinotaxis · 2017-04-01 07:28:24

I am now using the material resources of the Belgian government to read this thread

Salix Babylonika · 2017-04-01 07:28:43

hell yeah

Salix Babylonika · 2017-04-01 07:29:03

can you like commit some petty act of vandalism while you're there

in like, the name of my family or whatever

I'll pay you

in septims

Viani · 2017-04-07 10:00:21

Central Avenue said:
Stealing my incest shtick??

You'll pay for this, you bitch slut whore!!!!!!!

Its not like I like you or anything(<3)

As I thought your pussy is the wettest

Viani · 2017-04-16 05:52:21

Read everything in a shitpost thread while listening to this and you will soon make a "Tnophelia Post" of your very own.

and other things similar.

AND I WILL CONTINUE TO LISTEN TO THAT SONG UNTIL I FIND ANOTHER SONG THAT INCLUDES INANITY AND INAPPROPRIATE NOISES.

silence yourself little girl for I want to take you for a ride to the galapagos !NO U

Gargle Gargle 1440.jpg
That's totally IRRELEVANT

SILENCE YA SHIT POSTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I used to burn to Lords of Acid but that got boring when I memorized the lyrics. THEN CAME THIS FOR SOME REASON, BROUGHT ON BY RAW POWER MENTIONING STOCKING AND PANTY!

Then I looked on TV Tropes and went 00000000000000o00000000000000000oooooooooooooooo00000000000000000000000000000000it's like the powerpuff girls! And I looked at their minute and a half promo stop lying you slut you never wanted to use a condom FUCK YOU TEE HEELA YOU TROLL

THEN I CAME Hey Ed Edd and Eddy finished downloading on MY KEYBOARD

HNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG

Stop trying to force it
- Oh my god you are LIEK such a bitch to meDISREGARD THIS POST
  - I love you.

BUT I CANT LOVE YOU BACK!!!! -begins to cry blood DISREGARDTHISPOSTtears all over dress and pukes a puddle of black and white checker patterns-

I HIT ALL THE KEYS NEEDED TO MAKE THIS POST YOU SEE, THEN I MOANED AN EXTRA TIME TO VIBRATE THE AIR AROUND ME HARD ENOUGH TO HIT THE SEND BUTTON

DISREGARD THIS SIGNATURE

Viani · 2017-04-16 05:54:46

DISREGARD THIS POST

was a meme

4726 GlennMagusHarvey 5th Dec 2010 10:34:35 PM from EDT (UTC -4)

This is a quoteblock inside a table.

This is a quoteblock outside a table.	These are another two like the last one.
This is in a quoteblock.	But this is not.

It Just Bugs Me! - a place to discuss media, real life, and other topics.

Wishing somebody was dead is illegal

Implied malice is the mental state of ill will, spite, wicked intention, or enmity which the law infers from or imputes to certain acts. It is the inference or implication from a willful and intentional act performed for the accomplishment of a wrongful object or ulterior purpose.

Hexartes · 2017-04-16 06:13:21

ANYWAY

There's no easy way to ask this so I'll just like, do it, but are you really in the WPP? What the hell

(Also maybe this thread should be marked as Personal so it isn't publicly visible?)

Viani · 2017-04-16 06:30:57

Hexartes said:
ANYWAY

There's no easy way to ask this so I'll just like, do it, but are you really in the WPP? What the hell

(Also maybe this thread should be marked as Personal so it isn't publicly visible?)

Don't worry its not that bad for all I know all of you are in it too, right?

Imipolex G · 2017-04-16 06:32:34

what's the wpp

Crystal · 2017-04-16 06:33:01

Witness Protection Program.

Imipolex G · 2017-04-16 06:34:06

oh

Viani · 2017-04-16 07:04:24

Thing is, out of all the places I visit on the net, this one is the one I feel safest actually mentioning that. None of you are doxxers or hunters or anything like that. Just heapers.

Hexartes · 2017-04-16 07:07:44

Well. Fuck.

This is weird. Especially without any context

Viani · 2017-04-16 07:09:58

Hexartes said:
Well. Fuck.

This is weird. Especially without any context

Shhhhhhhh. No talking. Just dreams now. :3 It's only going to get weird if you keep resisting. Just let it floooooooow in. ;)

forgot you asked about context

Princess Alice · 2017-04-16 07:37:28

I approve of the video linked in your extra avatar btw

Viani · 2017-04-16 07:55:11

Central Avenue said:
I approve of the video linked in your extra avatar btw

10x10 GIFS, Zalgotext, Lesbian Character, Hammer and Sickle Character, Extra Avatar, Link to Counting Cerebi. I'm gonna figure out what else I can add.

Tanya · 2017-04-16 08:33:54

glennmagusharvey · 2017-04-16 15:11:08

Bear Lore

DC30 Bear society has no known professional service personnel such as police to keep order.

DC40 WAIT, THEY DO; RUN

Viani · 2017-05-15 10:28:48

Butterfly Affection

Klinotaxis · 2017-05-15 14:26:00

Yeah

Tanya · 2017-05-15 16:25:12

Princess Alice · 2017-05-15 16:52:55

...an unsolvable maze, eh? That would be a delightfully cruel prank to pull on someone.

Imipolex G · 2017-05-15 16:59:58

I've done it

Tanya · 2017-05-15 18:12:04

glennmagusharvey · 2017-05-15 18:13:49

hey counterclock do you mind if i repost your pics on ijbm

Viani · 2017-05-16 04:58:49

glennmagusharvey said:
hey counterclock do you mind if i repost your pics on ijbm

*evil kermit* STEAL THE MEMES. STEAL THEM.

glennmagusharvey · 2017-05-17 04:18:39

Viani said:

glennmagusharvey said:
hey counterclock do you mind if i repost your pics on ijbm
*evil kermit* STEAL THE MEMES. STEAL THEM.

STEALING COMPLETE
+10 EVIL POINTS

Tre · 2017-05-17 04:44:58

Counterclock said:

quality

Viani · 2017-05-21 03:17:27

Rage.

Rage against the dying of the [Memes]

Viani · 2017-05-31 09:24:01

🆃🅷🅰🆃'🆂 🆁🅸🅶🅷🆃, 🅳🅾🆄🅶 🅳🅸🅼🅼🅰🅳🅾🅼🅴, 🅾🆆🅽🅴🆁 🅾🅵 🆃🅷🅴 🅳🅸🅼🅼🆂🅳🅰🅻🅴 🅳🅸🅼🅼🅰🅳🅾🅼🅴

glennmagusharvey · 2017-05-31 16:24:26

oh yeah laffinty is rather attractive

Viani · 2017-06-29 15:11:09

Isn't it weird how -ologists attempt to get remembered through their work, and what species they were named after, but when it all gets down to it, when people look up the colossal squid,
known as Mesonychoteuthis hamiltoni,
if they go
WHO THE FUCK WAS HAMILTON?
then you have failed.

Pro-tip nobody knows why M. hamiltoni is named M. hamiltoni. Nowhere in the journal does it specify why its named after Hamilton or who it was. Discovered by Guy Robson.

Klinotaxis · 2017-06-29 15:26:27

After some searching I found the original describing article, here. It says it was discovered by some kind of government whale inspector named E. Hamilton.

I agree that people tend to forget these things.

Viani · 2017-06-29 15:31:26

Klinotaxis said:
After some searching I found the original describing article, here. It says it was discovered by some kind of government whale inspector named E. Hamilton.

I agree that people tend to forget these things.

Wow thanks! Its been bugging me every since I was asked the question "What does the scientific name mean?" and I could respond "Hamilton's middle claw squid" and somebody said "who was Hamilton?"

And then I froze up, scoured the google but failed to find anything.

Klinotaxis · 2017-06-29 15:31:30

One time I tried to find the original source for the description of a kind of pseudomuscle in lancelets and ended up having to get a scan emailed to me from europe, where they had a copy of this thing from the 1840s. it was upside down and in german.

Vorpy's Gonna Vorp: The Pseudothread of Mordantly Post-Ironic Ultraviolent Macrocancer

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