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Giant Spiders

EelektrossEelektross
edited 2012-12-12 07:33:55 in General
Hello, kiddies! I'm Uncle Eelektross, and today I'm going to teach you about the evilest of all of God's creatures!
What is it, Uncle Eelektross?
Take a guess!
Is it a lion?
Wrong!
Is it a bear?
Nope!
Is it a dragon?
Not even close! (Although dragons are a close second)
No, the evilest of God's creatures...

...is the GIANT SPIDER!

It is common knowledge that giant spiders are not evil, just misunderstood creatures. Behind their freaky facade lies a gentle disposition. Spiders have nice, productive hobbies, such as:

  • Sewing
  • Child-rearing
  • Chilling in caves
  • Eating New Zealanders
  • Being minions of dark wizards and similarly evil beings
  • Eating redheaded wizard kids
  • Eating people in general
  • Being scary, unnatural eight-legged freaks
See? Perfectly innocuous hobbies except not because all spiders are evil beings that must be killed.

A general guide to giant spiders:
  • They're evil.
  • If you see one, kill it on sight.
  • If you are unarmed and you can see it, it is wise to run in the opposite direction. If you cannot see it, it is probably already too late.
  • Spiders' weak points are usually the eyes and stomach. If you have a weapon, you should always aim for those areas. Of course, this also applies to normal people and anything with eyes and a stomach.
  • Hope you have an antidote ready, because statistics show that most giant spiders are also poisonous! 
  • Fire works great on spiders! It is advisable to douse spiders in as much fire as is currently available. If you can control/generate fire with magic or some equivalent skill, then you are likely to never have any problems with spiders at all! Unless you're out of MP, in which case you're screwed.
  • Hitting spiders with a sharp sword also works. Just make sure not to be bitten. 
So you see, children, there is an almost endless repertoire of ways to kill giant spiders. If you ever see a giant spider, remember this! Of course you probably won't, given that you'll probably crap your pants and run away in the opposite direction.

Until next week, see ya! And remember, death to all spiders!
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