The Science Wars: A Dramatic Reconstruction
Because I can't find Nornagest's on TVT or remember how that went.
DERRIDA: Par rapport l'idéalisme platonicien and hegelien, le déplacement que nous nommons ici par convention "mallarméen", est plus subtil et patient, discret et efficient. C'est un simulacre de platonisme ou de hegelianisme qui n'est séparé de ce qu'il simule que par un voile peine perceptible, dont on peut tout aussi bien dire qu'il passe déjà--inaperçu--entre le platonisme et lui-même, entre le hegelianisme et lui-même. Entre le texte de Mallarmé et lui-même. Il n'est donc pas simplement faux de dire que Mallarmé est platonicien ou hegelien. Mais ce n'est surtout pas vrai. Et réciproquement. Nous intéressent moins ici ces propositions de forme philosophique que le mode de leur réinscription dans la texte de Mimique.
JOHNSON: This is French for "Jacques Derrida is going to do whatever the fuck he likes, fuck your logic."
DERRIDA: Uh, actually...
WIGHTMAN: LOL, WTF. Hey everybody, listen to this bullshit. Derrida says "fuck logic"!
BAUDRILLARD: Hey guys, you know the Gulf War? Totally didn't happen. Postmodernism says so.
GROSS: WHAT? Postmodernism has gone too far!
LEVITT: It is our duty to warn English students everywhere that if they believe this stuff, people will make fun of them!
ENGLISH STUDENTS: Oh, no, not that! Nobody ever makes fun of English students!
GROSS: No seriously guys, Derrida is full of shit.
LEVITT: Yeah, he doesn't know what he's talking about. Look, he misused the term "differential topology"!
DERRIDA: I didn't write that!
JOHNSON: *whistles innocently*
POSTMODERNISTS: Oh dear, you science fellows are practically illiterate. He clearly said "differantial topology", not "differential topology". Totally different jargon, do learn to tell the différance.
LEVITT: ...whose idea was that?!
DERRIDA: *trollface*
GROSS & LEVITT: ...
SOKAL: Postmodernism disproves quantum gravity, and I have a paper to prove it.
SOCIAL TEXT: Seems legit.
SOKAL: Hold on, I just need to add a few more out-of-context quotations from literary theorists and make the language slightly more confusing so that it will be more convincing... and, done!
SOCIAL TEXT: Oh man, this is awesome. This'll show those nerdy assholes! *publishes*
SOKAL: LOL I TROLL U.
SOCIAL TEXT: OMFG hax
EVERYBODY: Woah.
SOCIAL TEXT: For the record, totally saw this coming.
SOKAL: Then why publish it?
SOCIAL TEXT: Uh... we were... humouring you! Yes! We didn't want to disrespect such a renowned physicist, so we humoured you.
SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY: LRN 2 PEER REVIEW
SOCIAL TEXT: OK fiiiiine. Geez you guys.
MEDIA: Read all about it! Sokal disproves postmodernism!
POSTMODERNISTS: But that's not what...
SOKAL & BRICMONT: Postmodernists are impostures!
MEDIA: We knew it!
POSTMODERNISTS: Oh, for the love of...
SOKAL & BRICMONT: Look! Julie Kristeva sucks at math!
KRISTEVA: That's not postmodern! I wrote that when I was a teenager! Hey, this is because I'm French, right?
SOKAL & BRICMONT: You wrote it!
KRISTEVA: OMG you guys are such Francophobes.
SOKAL & BRICMONT: And what about this lecture by Lacan where he mentions a torus out of nowhere with no explanation, just to make himself sound smart? We read the whole transcript, and he never mentioned it before! Explain that!
LACANIANS: Did you check the whole bunch of lectures beforehand where he explained it in detail?
SOKAL & BRICMONT: Pfft, we don't have time to read those! And as for you, Irigaray! You think mass-energy equivalence is wrong! Also we are better at feminism than you!
IRIGARAY: You're missing the point! I just want to know why you're wasting your time with that shit and neglecting fluid mechanics!
PHYSICISTS: HEY! We resent that! And centuries of hard work and discovery is neglect now?
IRIGARAY: *le shrug*
DAWKINS: What's the matter, postmodernists? I thought you were only playing!
POSTMODERNISTS: That's not what "free play" means!
DAWKINS: You guys are frauds. Look, Baudrillard misused "chaos", "flow" and "turbulance", words that clearly have no meaning except in a scientific context!
POSTMODERNISTS: ...
DAWKINS: And if Lacan knew what he was talking about, why did he say the square root of negative one represented an erect phallus?
POSTMODERNISTS: Uh, well, he probably didn't mean... actually, we have no idea; what the hell did he mean?
PSYCHOLOGISTS: Well don't look at us!
LACANIANS: You would understand if you read all of Lacan's work up to that point, including the bits that have been superseded by newer theories.
EVERYBODY: Can't you just tell us?
LACANIANS: Tsk, lazy gits. We're not making this easy for you!
SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY: And that's how Alan Sokal saved the world from postmodernism and became famous.
DERRIDA: Poor Sokal.
SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY: Nobody asked your opinion!
DERRIDA: *le shrug*
BOGDANOV BROTHERS: Dude, check it out! We totally figured out what happened during the Planck era!
CQG: Seems legit.
SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY: Hey, wait a minute, something's not right here!
POSTMODERNISTS: HA! Reverse Sokal! High fives, Bogdanovs!
BOGDANOV BROTHERS: What are you guys talking about? We totally discovered this stuff! This is serious science, here!
EVERYBODY: Uh...
BOGDANOV BROTHERS: Oh, screw you guys! At least the French viewing public recognises our genius.
SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY: ...aaaaanyway, now that those charlatans have been exposed, literary theory can work to redeem itself, and all hail the glory of science, your benevolent saviour!
LITERARY THEORISTS: *carry on as before*
SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY: Charlatans! Mountebanks!
DERRIDA: Par rapport l'idéalisme platonicien and hegelien, le déplacement que nous nommons ici par convention "mallarméen", est plus subtil et patient, discret et efficient. C'est un simulacre de platonisme ou de hegelianisme qui n'est séparé de ce qu'il simule que par un voile peine perceptible, dont on peut tout aussi bien dire qu'il passe déjà--inaperçu--entre le platonisme et lui-même, entre le hegelianisme et lui-même. Entre le texte de Mallarmé et lui-même. Il n'est donc pas simplement faux de dire que Mallarmé est platonicien ou hegelien. Mais ce n'est surtout pas vrai. Et réciproquement. Nous intéressent moins ici ces propositions de forme philosophique que le mode de leur réinscription dans la texte de Mimique.
JOHNSON: This is French for "Jacques Derrida is going to do whatever the fuck he likes, fuck your logic."
DERRIDA: Uh, actually...
WIGHTMAN: LOL, WTF. Hey everybody, listen to this bullshit. Derrida says "fuck logic"!
BAUDRILLARD: Hey guys, you know the Gulf War? Totally didn't happen. Postmodernism says so.
GROSS: WHAT? Postmodernism has gone too far!
LEVITT: It is our duty to warn English students everywhere that if they believe this stuff, people will make fun of them!
ENGLISH STUDENTS: Oh, no, not that! Nobody ever makes fun of English students!
GROSS: No seriously guys, Derrida is full of shit.
LEVITT: Yeah, he doesn't know what he's talking about. Look, he misused the term "differential topology"!
DERRIDA: I didn't write that!
JOHNSON: *whistles innocently*
POSTMODERNISTS: Oh dear, you science fellows are practically illiterate. He clearly said "differantial topology", not "differential topology". Totally different jargon, do learn to tell the différance.
LEVITT: ...whose idea was that?!
DERRIDA: *trollface*
GROSS & LEVITT: ...
SOKAL: Postmodernism disproves quantum gravity, and I have a paper to prove it.
SOCIAL TEXT: Seems legit.
SOKAL: Hold on, I just need to add a few more out-of-context quotations from literary theorists and make the language slightly more confusing so that it will be more convincing... and, done!
SOCIAL TEXT: Oh man, this is awesome. This'll show those nerdy assholes! *publishes*
SOKAL: LOL I TROLL U.
SOCIAL TEXT: OMFG hax
EVERYBODY: Woah.
SOCIAL TEXT: For the record, totally saw this coming.
SOKAL: Then why publish it?
SOCIAL TEXT: Uh... we were... humouring you! Yes! We didn't want to disrespect such a renowned physicist, so we humoured you.
SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY: LRN 2 PEER REVIEW
SOCIAL TEXT: OK fiiiiine. Geez you guys.
MEDIA: Read all about it! Sokal disproves postmodernism!
POSTMODERNISTS: But that's not what...
SOKAL & BRICMONT: Postmodernists are impostures!
MEDIA: We knew it!
POSTMODERNISTS: Oh, for the love of...
SOKAL & BRICMONT: Look! Julie Kristeva sucks at math!
KRISTEVA: That's not postmodern! I wrote that when I was a teenager! Hey, this is because I'm French, right?
SOKAL & BRICMONT: You wrote it!
KRISTEVA: OMG you guys are such Francophobes.
SOKAL & BRICMONT: And what about this lecture by Lacan where he mentions a torus out of nowhere with no explanation, just to make himself sound smart? We read the whole transcript, and he never mentioned it before! Explain that!
LACANIANS: Did you check the whole bunch of lectures beforehand where he explained it in detail?
SOKAL & BRICMONT: Pfft, we don't have time to read those! And as for you, Irigaray! You think mass-energy equivalence is wrong! Also we are better at feminism than you!
IRIGARAY: You're missing the point! I just want to know why you're wasting your time with that shit and neglecting fluid mechanics!
PHYSICISTS: HEY! We resent that! And centuries of hard work and discovery is neglect now?
IRIGARAY: *le shrug*
DAWKINS: What's the matter, postmodernists? I thought you were only playing!
POSTMODERNISTS: That's not what "free play" means!
DAWKINS: You guys are frauds. Look, Baudrillard misused "chaos", "flow" and "turbulance", words that clearly have no meaning except in a scientific context!
POSTMODERNISTS: ...
DAWKINS: And if Lacan knew what he was talking about, why did he say the square root of negative one represented an erect phallus?
POSTMODERNISTS: Uh, well, he probably didn't mean... actually, we have no idea; what the hell did he mean?
PSYCHOLOGISTS: Well don't look at us!
LACANIANS: You would understand if you read all of Lacan's work up to that point, including the bits that have been superseded by newer theories.
EVERYBODY: Can't you just tell us?
LACANIANS: Tsk, lazy gits. We're not making this easy for you!
SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY: And that's how Alan Sokal saved the world from postmodernism and became famous.
DERRIDA: Poor Sokal.
SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY: Nobody asked your opinion!
DERRIDA: *le shrug*
BOGDANOV BROTHERS: Dude, check it out! We totally figured out what happened during the Planck era!
CQG: Seems legit.
SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY: Hey, wait a minute, something's not right here!
POSTMODERNISTS: HA! Reverse Sokal! High fives, Bogdanovs!
BOGDANOV BROTHERS: What are you guys talking about? We totally discovered this stuff! This is serious science, here!
EVERYBODY: Uh...
BOGDANOV BROTHERS: Oh, screw you guys! At least the French viewing public recognises our genius.
SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY: ...aaaaanyway, now that those charlatans have been exposed, literary theory can work to redeem itself, and all hail the glory of science, your benevolent saviour!
LITERARY THEORISTS: *carry on as before*
SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY: Charlatans! Mountebanks!
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Comments
(This isn't actually what I'm studying though.)
I did study some of Derrida's stuff, but not the Science Wars because nobody who's seriously in lit studies really cares about those nowadays. This was just for the hell of it.
Letang: Hey, a car park. I should definitely sunbathe here; in no way could that possibly result in serious injury to me.
Cooper: -runs over Letang's legs-
Letang: OH NO THE PAIN THAT I IN NO WAY COULD HAVE SEEN COMING! I'm taking you to court!
Court: You can't, the statute of limitations for negligence has expired. Also, why were you sunbathing in a fucking car park.
Letang: Fine I'll just sue for battery instead.
Court: You win! But seriously, don't sunbathe in a fucking car park.
Cooper: OH HELL NO -runs to the House of Lords-
Lord Denning: No Letang, you can't do this, since battery has to be intentional and you can't prove it was. Also, why were you sunbathing in a fucking car park.
Letang: WOE IS ME. I must make up for my misery by relaxing with an ice cream on the middle of Gatwick runway.
YEARS LATER
Policeman: Fagan, stop that! You're parking your car terribly. Here, let me guide you in.
Fagan: Do you have to?
Policeman: Yes.
Fagan: Fine. -under breath- Asshole. -drives the car onto policeman's foot-
Policeman: OH MY GOD OW OW OW
Fagan: SHUT THE FUCK UP NAMELESS POLICEMAN -turns off engine-
Policeman: HORRIBLE PAIN
Fagan: OH FINE -moves car-
Policeman: You're under arrest!
Fagan: This isn't fair! I didn't intentionally drive the car onto his foot, I just intentionally didn't move it. How can I commit a battery by failing to do something?
Court: By being a dick?
Policeman: Ooh, burn.
Court: Conviction upheld.
Policeman: Great, but what am I supposed to do about my foot?
Court: Perhaps you should talk to Ms. Letang; her legs were run over while she was sunbathing in a car park.
Policeman: Why were you sunbathing in a fucking car park?
THE END
Speaking of which, I'lll have to write an essay about Science Wars in a few weeks. And I admit I am biased in favour of scientific community.
All it really proved was that academics and intellectuals of all kinds are perfectly capable of engaging in pointless dickwaving.
I'd say more but I didn't want this to be a serious thread.
Idler's reconstruction was funny.