ITT: Transcriptions of Penny Arcade strips about Jack Thompson
{Jack is stood pointing. A message saying "Jack Thompson - Alarmist" is at the bottom. Interviewer off panel.}
Interviewer: {off panel} Jack Thompson, you've had harsh words for a videogame based on The Merch - but should we be equally concerned about the popular kids' series the game is based on?
Jack: They're both despicable. But science has shown us that it's one thing to watch The Merch fuck someone's dad, and another thing entirely to fuck that dad yourself while the controller shudders with each unwelcome thrust.
- Panel 2
{Scene change. Scientist is holding a chart. Bobby has an encephalator on his head. The Fleshreaper is portrayed on an image in the background.}
Scientist: We've got Bobby here hooked up to the encephalator while he plays. Just look at these brain numbers. They're off the charts.
- Panel 3
{Scene change. Robert is stood with his hands raised slightly. "Robert Guy - CEO Vapidsoft" written at bottom. Interviewer off panel.}
Interviewer: Do you think it's irresponsible to promote a game that forces players to murder children while they sleep, and collect their body torsos?
Robert: I think that the obscene financial rewards for my company far outweigh any dangers posed by creating a generation of brutal killing machines.
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{Gabe and Tycho are stood facing each other. Gabe is pointing to the cellphone he is holding.}
Gabe: The crazy fucker called me!
Tycho: So you talked to Jack Thompson? What did you say?
{Gabe puts his phone away and raises his hand to waist-level.}
Gabe: Well, I was curious. If somebody actually made his violent game, would he have to sue himself?
Tycho: And?
{Gabe lowers his hand.}
Gabe: And then he called me a pissant and hung up.
Tycho: Wow. He must be an incredible lawyer.
Text: MORAL KOMBAT: Spencer Halpin's expose on Games and the Games Industry!
{Spencer addresses the readers.}
Spencer: Today's kids can't tell the difference between reality and the nightmare fantasy worlds woven around them by electronical gamings.
{Wii bowling is the backdrop for Joe Lieberman.}
Joe: Pretend violence is the gravest threat facing America.
{Katamari is the backdrop for Jack Thompson.}
Jack: People underestimate the real danger of videogames. Last week, a young man in Kansas rolled up his entire school. And this won't be the last one. I predict... Hold on a second, did you hear that Ambulance? I gotta go.
{Two shot. Gabe is worried; he pounds his fist into his open palm. Tycho is behind him, bored.}
Gabe: I'm in trouble! Jack Thompson knows.
Tycho: He does?
Gabe: I don't know how he found out. I thought I'd been so careful.
{Another two shot. Tycho is surprised. Gabe is in the background tipping over a table lamp. With a click, Gabe descends into a shadowy basement.}
Gabe: In his latest lawsuit, Jack Thompson says we've been racketeering.
Tycho: And you are?
Gabe: Yeah. Every night. I fly around with my jetpack, and I fight Nazis.
{Gabe is now wearing a burnished metal helmet, obviously the same one used by The Rocketeer. Tycho is flashing a smug grin.}
Tycho: Oh, no. No. This is rocketeering. You're okay.
Gabe: But what about you? Do you racketeer at all?
Tycho: No. I'm more of a raconteur.
FUCK COMPOSE
FUCK MELODY