Interview With Satan
Christian: Good evening, and thanks for joining us. I’m your host – Christian Knight, and joining us tonight is the father of lies, the god of this world, the Prince of Darkness, Beelzebub, Lucifer, the evil one – Satan. Satan, thanks for coming on the program to take the heat.
Satan: I’m only too happy to be here, Chri-…Chri-…Mr. Knight.
Christian: Satan, you have more nicknames than Rocky Balboa, but I want to focus in on “the father of lies.” Can you comment on this one?
Satan: Sure, sure. Actually, that’s one of my favorites.
Christian: Really?
Satan: No, not really. I’m lying. But it is an appropriate name. God loves all of you people so much, it’s sickening. The best way to get back at Him is to keep His people from Him. And I’ve found the best way to keep people from Him is the lie. I had such success with it in the Garden of Eden, that it’s been my primary weapon ever since.
Christian: Why is the lie such an effective weapon for you?
Satan: Well, primarily because I can make people think they’re being good or going to heaven, and that’s what most people want. There are a few lunatics that worship me openly, but they’re a fringe group – nobody listens to them. If I can misdirect you and make you think you’re doing the right thing, then you’re mine! It’s kind of like following an illusion of an oasis in a desert. I provide the illusion, and it works almost every time!
Christian: And you say this has been effective?
Satan: Oh, very much so. With lies and deception, I can get a few people to follow my mirage, and they in turn will direct others there. It saves me a lot of work in the long run.
Christian: Can you give me some examples of what you’re talking about – from real life, please don’t beat that oasis analogy to death.
Satan: Well, as I mentioned earlier, the lie I told Eve in the Garden of Eden. I appealed to her pride, and told her she could be like God if she ate of the forbidden fruit. She bought it! Then, to illustrate the perpetuation of the lie, SHE suckered Adam into believing the lie as well! That caused the fall of mankind, what I believe to be my crowning achievement.
Christian: So the lie perpetuates without being continually fed by you, is that what you’re saying?
Satan: That’s exactly right. Oh sure, from time to time I’ll have one of my demons fan the flames, but it’s not a burdensome workload.
Christian: Can you give me other examples of note?
Satan: Sure, plenty. Let me hit just a few though. I started Islam and Mormonism basically the same way. In each case, I picked a young idealist who was yearning for more (in these cases I picked Muhammad and Joseph Smith, Jr.) and appeared to him “as an angel of light”. So see, my lies go beyond the verbal. I use visual deception as well. Then I used my demons of pride and blasphemy to let them know that all men can be gods. [chuckling] Boy, Smith really ran with the ball on that one. Both of those perpetuated well. The original “prophets” of those religions picked good disciples to carry my lie to new levels. Now Islam is one of the world’s largest religions, and Mormonism is one of the fastest growing!
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Christian: So you –
Satan: Don’t interrupt! I’m just getting started. By the way, you have a button missing from your blazer.
Christian: [looks down]
Satan: [laughing] I got ya with another lie! Oh, I love the little “white” ones too. Anyway, the New Age Movement is my fertile field right now. Not all of the groups claim to be “New Age” but they are. Scientology, for example. They’re as New Age as they come, but they deny it. The New Agers have bought my same, old recycled lie: the promise of godhood. I’ve got them believing that they’re on one step of the evolutionary ladder, and the next step is to develop their “Christ consciousness” and become gods themselves. It has been tremendously effective. Your United Nations is full of New Agers who see the religions of the world as being divisive. I’ve told them that the only hope for world peace is to break down religious walls and divisions. Under the auspices of the United Religions Initiative, they’ll eventually be looking to create a one-world religion that is New Age.
Christian: How would you characterize the people you’ve deceived with these lies?
Satan: Oh, most of them are people just like you -- Do-gooders who would serve God as good as me if they’d had the chance. Look at the tools I’ve used with them: developing a Christ-consciousness, being inclusive rather than divisive, aspiring for unity among all peoples. These are noble goals! I even have some of these people (Mormons included) believing they’re worshipping Jehovah God.
Christian: So what kept them from serving God instead of you?
Satan: To be honest (I hate that), no one reached them for God first. These people were searching for truth, and I had to race to get to them before the Christians did. These days though, I can kind of take my time. The Christians aren’t nearly as evangelical as they once were. There are exceptions, of course, but I have most Christians content to stay inside their church buildings where they can filter out the real world through stained-glass windows.
Christian: Is that your doing? I mean, are you responsible for the lack of evangelism and discipleship in today’s church?
Satan: Of course! Many Christians provide themselves and each other with too much prayer cover for me to penetrate. There are others though, who allow enough of a crack for my demons to penetrate. It doesn’t take a lot, either. I have my demons of pride, arrogance, fear, and doubt covering the Christian crowd. Overall, it’s been fairly effective in keeping most of them behind church walls where they belong.
Christian: Could you comment on the growing popularity of ecumenism and universalism among the various denominations today?
Satan: Hehehe… did you like that? Yep, that was me. Once again, I used fear and pride. I approached these people with the lie that their strict adherence to the Bible was old-fashioned and divisive. I told them that the only way to build bridges and bring about some global unity would be to change with the times. Now a lot of them feel that it is arrogant to think that other religions are wrong. They feel that certain sins, such as homosexuality, only applied to a forgotten time and an old culture. That’s why you see a growing acceptance of homosexuality and other sinful behavior in these churches. The Unitarians Universalists are too afraid to even have a creed, for fear of excluding somebody. Once again, I dangled a carrot of good intentions in front of them to get them to compromise their strict Biblical beliefs.
Christian: Right now, I’d like you to play devil’s advocate for a bit.
Satan: [grinning] Who better than me to fulfill that obligation?
Christian: Yea, yea, no pun was intended. How should Christians protect themselves against your lies?
Satan: Well, I only tell you this because I doubt this will do anybody any good. The ones I have so easily deceived were not very familiar with the Bible. Most of them had read some of it, but they didn’t study it. Consequently, they weren’t familiar enough with the truth to recognize a lie when they heard it. Furthermore, the Bible even says that I can appear as an angel of light. More than a few should have read that part. Now contrast that with the Bereans. Have you heard of them?
Christian: I recall that in Acts chapter 17 it says, let me find it here [thumbing through the Bible]…oh, here we go, verse 11 “Now the Bereans were of more noble character than the Thessalonians, for they received the message with great eagerness and examined the Scriptures every day to see if what Paul said was true.” Is this what – Satan, where did you go?
Satan: [walking in from offstage] Sorry about that. I can’t stand to be around when scripture is read. Anyway, yes – those Bereans. They were a tough lot. Many is the time that my demons and I have been rebuffed by someone who is familiar enough with the Bible to recognize our lies. I send out many false prophets to spread these lies, but only those who examine and study the scriptures are able to recognize them for who and what they are.
Christian: So your recommendation to Christians would be to study their Bibles and be prayerful in order to discern truth and recognize your lies.
Satan: No, my recommendation would be to stop being so divisive and exclusionary with your Bibles and see that truth is relative.
Christian: That’s a lie. Remember, I asked you to play devil’s advocate. Let’s change that, be God’s advocate here.
Satan: Well, okay. No one watches your lame program anyway. To protect themselves from my lies, you Christians should study your Bible daily and pray often. In order to reach the unsaved before I do, you must be willing to face the world OUTSIDE of the stained glass windows, and carry the truth to these people to make disciples of them.
Christian: Well, thanks for being so honest.
Satan: How do you know I was being honest?
Christian: [smiling] I read my Bible, and have been praying constantly.
Satan: Well, can’t win them all. If you let your guard down though, I’ll get you.
Christian: Well, that’s about all the time we have today. Please join us next week when Michael the archangel will take time from his busy schedule to be on the show.
Satan: Ugh… what a bore. I’m glad you didn’t have him here today, or I would have –
Christian: Satan, your time is up. One prayer is all it would take to get Michael down here now.
Satan: That’s it, I’m outta here! [disappears in a poof of vile, acrid smoke]
Scripture is mostly mute on the subject, so the question is left to the various church canons.
i get so angry sometimes i just punch plankton --Klinotaxis
i get so angry sometimes i just punch plankton --Klinotaxis
i get so angry sometimes i just punch plankton --Klinotaxis
Matthew 4:5-7
New International Version (NIV)
5 Then the devil took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. 6 “If you are the Son of God,” he said, “throw yourself down. For it is written:
“‘He will command his angels concerning you,
and they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.’[a]”
7 Jesus answered him, “It is also written: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.’[b]”
Footnotes:
i get so angry sometimes i just punch plankton --Klinotaxis