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I'm Comic Sans, asshole.

criminalscumcriminalscum
edited 2013-07-09 17:13:18 in General
Listen up. I know the shit you’ve been saying behind my back. You think
I’m stupid. You think I’m immature. You think I’m a malformed, pathetic
excuse for a font. Well think again, nerdhole, because I’m Comic Sans,
and I’m the best thing to happen to typography since Johannes fucking
Gutenberg.



You don’t like that your coworker used me on that note about stealing
her yogurt from the break room fridge? You don’t like that I’m all over
your sister-in-law’s blog? You don’t like that I’m on the sign for that
new Thai place? You think I’m pedestrian and tacky? Guess the fuck what,
Picasso. We don’t all have seventy-three weights of stick-up-my-ass
Helvetica sitting on our seventeen-inch MacBook Pros. Sorry the entire
world can’t all be done in stark Eurotrash Swiss type. Sorry some people
like to have fun. Sorry I’m standing in the way of your minimalist
Bauhaus-esque fascist snoozefest. Maybe sometime you should take off
your black turtleneck, stop compulsively adjusting your Tumblr theme,
and lighten the fuck up for once.



People love me. Why? Because I’m fun. I’m the life of the party. I bring
levity to any situation. Need to soften the blow of a harsh message
about restroom etiquette? SLAM. There I am. Need to spice up the directions to your graduation party? WHAM. There again. Need to convey your fun-loving, approachable nature on your business’ website? SMACK. Like daffodils in motherfucking spring.



When people need to kick back, have fun, and party, I will be there,
unlike your pathetic fonts. While Gotham is at the science fair, I’m
banging the prom queen behind the woodshop. While Avenir is practicing
the clarinet, I’m shredding “Reign In Blood” on my double-necked
Stratocaster. While Univers is refilling his allergy prescriptions, I’m
racing my tricked-out, nitrous-laden Honda Civic against Tokyo gangsters
who’ll kill me if I don’t cross the finish line first. I am a sans
serif Superman and my only kryptonite is pretentious buzzkills like you.



It doesn’t even matter what you think. You know why, jagoff? Cause I’m
famous. I am on every major operating system since Microsoft fucking
Bob. I’m in your signs. I’m in your browsers. I’m in your instant
messengers. I’m not just a font. I am a force of motherfucking nature
and I will not rest until every uptight armchair typographer cock-hat
like you is surrounded by my lovable, comic-book inspired, sans-serif
badassery.



Enough of this bullshit. I’m gonna go get hammered with Papyrus.

Comments

  • Imipolex GImipolex G
    Touch the cow. Do it now.
    why would you need a double-neck to play Reign in Blood

    fuckin' Comic Sans
  • nohaynicklibrenohaynicklibre
    edited 2013-07-09 17:46:27
    Smee, Maiman, Doktar, Pavelier, Button-Lee, Juan Ovyu
    Comic Sans you are my greatest ally
  • Obā-sanObā-san

  • Yarrun XIXYarrun XIX
    edited 2013-07-09 18:07:39
    Whores! we want "poems that kill."
    Assassin poems, Poems that shoot
    guns. Poems that wrestle cops into alleys
    and take their weapons leaving them dead
    I wouldn't expect Papyrus to be a hard drinker. He's more of the guy who always orders from that Mediterranean-Thai place and always goes on about that trip he took to Egypt five years ago than hard-drinking, party-happy frat boy. If he'd be abusing any drug, it'd be something that goes in those fancy hookahs.
  • Sredni VashtarSredni Vashtar
    “I'm surprised. Those clothes… but, aren't you…?”
    I am not afraid of you and, if provoked, I will sugillate your petty sans-serif arse like a Clydesdale's hoof stomping a lone ant. I predate you by centuries and I will survive you by them. You will die alone and in eternal shame.
  • glennmagusharveyglennmagusharvey
    I love this thread.
  • Imipolex GImipolex G
    Touch the cow. Do it now.
    image

    the evillest boss
  • AlirozAliroz
    ...And even when your hope is gone
    move along, move along, just to make it through
    (2015 self)
    Sans, I was once like you.  I was once ubiquitous and despised; the world was surrounded by me.  No other font could compete, for the typerwriter could only make me.  I laughed at those fools who called themselves artistic; those uptight scholars who didn't know how to truly live.  Not like me, not like you.

    I ruled, I reigned, I stole Avenir's clarinet; and nobody could touch me.  I had the freaking parties, where the trees alone were worth millions, while Univers was locked out in the snow.  I was the robber baron, the man.  The world was my sandbox; and maybe it will be yours.

    But, you know what happened?  Time moved on, people moved on; and I became obscure.  Sweeping the streets that were named after me, the streets that had once been lettered with me. 

    And, worst of all, I was alone.  I had no friends.

    Comic Sans, don't be me.  Be better than me.  Someday, you'll be the obscure one, and you'll need Helvetica and Univers and Gotham and them all.

    As a font that was once like you, I'm warning yo-ooh shiny!
  • criminalscumcriminalscum
    edited 2013-07-11 02:45:47
    ^ Is...is that Coldplay's "Viva La Vida" as retold by a serif font?

    This forum, man.
  • Justice4243Justice4243
    READ MY CROSS SHIPPING-FANFICTION, DAMMIT!

    i get so angry sometimes i just punch plankton --Klinotaxis
    10/10 would recommend.
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