› ›

Three-A (A Ridiculous Brag Rap), because you asked for it.

Salix BabylonikaSalix Babylonika
edited 2012-11-30 10:51:54 in General

based off of this, and at the challenge of Mr. Truant. You can blame him for this.

edit: there was more of this, but vanilla decided to be vanilla and eat most of it. I'll fix it later if I feel like it.

3A. IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.
Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400.
My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA.
I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid.
On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.
I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

the following is addressed to New York University's Administration Staff. return address: Breath Weapon, 4309 Swagsville USA.

Now,
I realize this is Late Registration like Kanye West
but I think you'll find out of all possible applicants, I'm the best
yeah, I used to club around town with Elvis Presley, 
got bitches singin' in some Operas I wrote, call me the Don Izetti
it's a matter of public knowledge I only sleep once a week
and spend the other six nights screwin' with my freaks, 
you can call me Caller #9 cuz I always got the front seats,
plus I hand-crush the ice for my Long Island Tea,
redesign a station on my lunchbreak and help it hold heat,
and y'all best fuckin' know I play full-contact origami
and I can cook a four course meal with a toaster oven and a mouli, no need for grillin'
won a spelling bee at the Kremlin and don't even know Cyrillic
I breed hardcore shellfish, call 'em the Wu-Tang Clam.
but don't get the wrong idea I'm also nice with my hands
ask my botanist boys, or the ladies after my trombone playin' makes 'em straight drop they pants
Got scoped by the Mets and bat a hundred more than Spartan King Leonidas,
showed a fashion critic my corduroy overalls and he liked 'em, 
now they're world-wide like I am
not even a public figure and I get fuckin' fan-mail

edit: it ate half of my post.

Son of a bitch, vanilla can you not do anything correctly?

Tagged:

Comments

Sign In or Register to comment.