WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

Plato:
         For the greater good.

 Karl Marx:
         It was a historical inevitability.

 Machiavelli:
         So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken
         which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but
         also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend
         with such a paragon of avian virtue?  In such a manner is the
         princely chicken's dominion maintained.

 Hippocrates:
         Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.

 Jacques Derrida:
         Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the
         act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is
         equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned,
         because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!

 Thomas de Torquemada:
         Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

 Timothy Leary:
         Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would
         let it take.

 Douglas Adams:
         Forty-two.

 Nietzsche:
         Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes
         also across you.

 Oliver North:
         National Security was at stake.

 B.F. Skinner:
         Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium
         from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it
         would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to
         be of its own free will.

 Carl Jung:
         The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that
         individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and
         therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

 Jean-Paul Sartre:
         In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the
         chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

 Ludwig Wittgenstein:
         The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects
         "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which
         caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.

 Albert Einstein:
         Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the
         chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

 Aristotle:
         To actualize its potential.

 Samuel Beckett:
         It got tired of waiting.

 Buddha:
         If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.

 Albert Camus:
	 The gods had commanded it to cross and recross the road.

 Winston Churchill:
	 It was moving into broad sunlit uplands...

 Howard Cosell:
         It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to
         grace the annals of history.  An historic, unprecedented avian
         biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement
         formerly relegated to homo sapiens pedestrians is truly a
         remarkable occurence.

 Salvador Dali:
         The Fish.

 Darwin:
         It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

 Emily Dickinson:
         Because it could not stop for death.

 Conan Doyle:
	 It is quite a three-pipe problem, Watson.

 T. S. Eliot:
	 To examine the wasteland for worms.

 Epicurus:
         For fun.

 Ralph Waldo Emerson:
         It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

 Richard Feynman:
	 Surely it was joking.

 Johann Wolfgang von Goethe:
         The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

 Ernest Hemingway:
         To die.  In the rain.

 Werner Heisenberg:
         We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it
         was moving very fast.

 David Hume:
         Out of custom and habit.

 Saddam Hussein:
         This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite
         justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

 George Mallory:
	 Because it was there.

 Jack Nicholson:
         'Cause it (censored) wanted to.  That's the (censored) reason.

 Pyrrho the Skeptic:
         What road?

 Ronald Reagan:
         I forget.

 John Sununu:
         The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation,
         so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the
         opportunity.

 The Sphinx:
         You tell me.

 Mr. T:
         If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too!

 Henry David Thoreau:
         To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.

 Mark Twain:
         The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

 Molly Yard:
         It was a hen!

 Zeno of Elea:
         To prove it could never reach the other side.

 Beatles:
	 It was a long and winding road...

 Pennsylvania/NJ travel guide:
	 When travelling along the Road, visit the beautiful town of Chicken 
	 Crossing.

 George Bush:
	 Read my lips: no more chicken crossing roads.

 O. J. Simpson:
	 His wife lived across the road. 

 Umberto Eco:
	 It was a part of the Plan. 

 ???
	 He was solving the cross-road puzzle.

 A palusible Russian explanation:
	 They ran out of vodka, and he wanted to get to the liquor store 
	 three miles down the road.

 Elmer Fudd:
	 He cwossed the woad to kill the wabbit.  

 Charles Dickens:
	 It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, chicken were 
	 crossing roads, chicken were staying behind...

 Orwell:
	 All roads are crossable by all chicken, but some roads are more 
	 crossable than others. 

 Dostoyevsky:
	 After having killed an old hen, the chicken was wandering deliriously 
	 along the empty night streets of St. Petersburg and waiting for the 
	 darkness that never came; he crossed Nevsky and after a while found 
	 himself in an unfamiliar part of the city. 

 ???
	 To prove that he was no chicken.

 ???
	 Because for every road you cross, there are ten more roads yet 
	 uncrossed.
 
 Ecclesiast:
	 There are times for the chicken to cross roads and there are times 
	 to stay at the roadside.

 Hamlet: 
	For 'tis better to suffer in the mind the slings and arrows 
	of outrageous road maintenance than to take arms against a 
	sea of oncoming vehicles...

 Sappho: 
	For the touch of your skin, the sweetness of your lips...

 J. R. R. Tolkein: 
	The chicken, sunlight coruscating off its radiant yellow-
	white coat of feathers, approached the dark, sullen asphalt 
	road and scrutinized it intently with its obsidian-black 
	eyes.  Every detail of the thoroughfare leapt into blinding 
	focus: the rough texture of the surface, over which count-
	less tires had worked their relentless tread through the 
	ages; the innumerable fragments of stone embedded within the
 	lugubrious mass, perhaps quarried from the great pits where 
	the Sons of Man labored not far from here; the dull black 
	asphalt itself, exuding those waves of heat which distort the 
	sight and bring weakness to the body; the other attributes 
	of the great highway too numerous to give name.  And then it 
	crossed it.

 Dorothy Parker: 
	Travel, trouble, music, art / A kiss, a frock, a rhyme /
	The chicken never said they fed its heart / But still they 
	pass its time.

 Darth Vader: 
	(Whshhhhhhhhsh) Because it could not resist the power of the 
	Dark Side.


		   [_Princess Bride_ section]

 Wesley: 
	It's terribly fashionable, I think everyone will be doing 
	it in the future.

 Fezzik: 
	Because if it did not it would be like a toad!