The Candy Valley News Archive
Candy Valley Must Replace Traffic Lights, Say Feds
March 7, 2011
CANDY VALLEY — The Federal Highway Administration has threatened
to withhold funding from an Ohio town if they do not bring replace their traffic lights to conform with national standards.
Officials claim that the high rate of car accidents in Candy Valley can be traced to the city's nonstandard traffic light setup, which employs purple, magenta, and pink lights instead of the traditional red, yellow, and green. "To anyone who wasn't born and raised in Candy Valley, these signals mean nothing, " an FHWA spokesperson said Monday. "Does purple mean stop? Does purple mean go? It's dangerous, and it needs to stop."
Candy Valley officials are not so convinced. "It's the same as traffic lights anywhere in the country, " said Candy Valley mayor Central Avenue. "The top light means stop, the bottom light means proceed, and the middle light means drive as fast as you can to make it through before the camera catches you. The fact that the top light is purple instead of red doesn't change anything."
This is not the first time Candy Valley has had to deal with such an ultimatum. In 2005, the FHWA threatened to withhold funding until the city's traffic signs met a minimum standard of reflectivity. "It was terrible," recalls Mayor Avenue. "We spent the entire city budget that year applying more and more sparkly glitter paint to all our signs. It got to the point where you could hardly see them during the day."
Candy Valley is expected to begin retrofitting traffic signals early next month.
(I'm not sure what inspired me to repost this)
March 7, 2011
CANDY VALLEY — The Federal Highway Administration has threatened
to withhold funding from an Ohio town if they do not bring replace their traffic lights to conform with national standards.
Officials claim that the high rate of car accidents in Candy Valley can be traced to the city's nonstandard traffic light setup, which employs purple, magenta, and pink lights instead of the traditional red, yellow, and green. "To anyone who wasn't born and raised in Candy Valley, these signals mean nothing, " an FHWA spokesperson said Monday. "Does purple mean stop? Does purple mean go? It's dangerous, and it needs to stop."
Candy Valley officials are not so convinced. "It's the same as traffic lights anywhere in the country, " said Candy Valley mayor Central Avenue. "The top light means stop, the bottom light means proceed, and the middle light means drive as fast as you can to make it through before the camera catches you. The fact that the top light is purple instead of red doesn't change anything."
This is not the first time Candy Valley has had to deal with such an ultimatum. In 2005, the FHWA threatened to withhold funding until the city's traffic signs met a minimum standard of reflectivity. "It was terrible," recalls Mayor Avenue. "We spent the entire city budget that year applying more and more sparkly glitter paint to all our signs. It got to the point where you could hardly see them during the day."
Candy Valley is expected to begin retrofitting traffic signals early next month.
(I'm not sure what inspired me to repost this)
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Comments
...How does anyone go without eating the city into ruins?
I do feel kinda bad about spending all that federal disaster relief money on candy, though...
CANDY VALLEY -- Over $200 of candy-based police equipment was eaten from the Candy Valley Police Department on Bubblegum Avenue Wednesday night, say police. Among the items eaten are several pairs of licorice handcuffs used by Candy Valley officers.
Investigators initially suspected the CEO of ABC, Inc., known only as "Anonus". Anonus has entered a plea of "not guilty" to charges of Consumption of Public Property. "I hate licorice!" the suspect said Wednesday. "Somepony's framed me!"
Investigators intend to continue searching for the true culprit, or maybe not, since licorice handcuffs are a really stupid idea, anyway. "Couldn't you just bite your way free?" said Candy Valley mayor Central Avenue.
...Fine, I'll have the editor change it.
i get so angry sometimes i just punch plankton --Klinotaxis
i get so angry sometimes i just punch plankton --Klinotaxis
I'll go fix it.
i get so angry sometimes i just punch plankton --Klinotaxis
Also, BAT
i get so angry sometimes i just punch plankton --Klinotaxis