cold open
Zizek is walking the streets of Philadelphia when he stumbles upon a barren store front bearing the intriguingly minimalist sign for “Paddy’s Pub”
11:15 on a Tuesday
Paddy’s Pub
Frank: No no no no no no NO! Forget it I’m not bailing you guys out any more.
Dennis: Oh come on
Dee: Really?
Charlie: No! Hey! No! You can’t leave who’s going to play nightcrawlers with me and help me scrub your toe knife?
Mac: We know you’re just busting our balls Frank. Right?
Frank: No! This is your shit sandwich and I’m not gonna watch you eat it.
Dee: But you love watching people eat shit sandwiches.
Mac: Come on!
Dennis: You do have an undeniable desire to watch others eat shit sandwiches.
Frank: Yeah well I got my fill.
Frank storms out of bar
Charlie: Well if anyone’s going to be upset it’s me! Frank’s my dad! And I can prove it, he will help me and not you guys.
Dennis: Charlie we’ve been through this before Frank doesn’t care about anyone except himself. No matter how much blood you try to harvest from him.
Charlie: Oh yeah. Huh.
Mac: Damn it you guys don’t you know what this means? We have to pay for this all on our own.
Dee: We’re boned. Damn it Frank you fat turd.
Dennis: Why! Why! Why! ….
all shouting
Charlie: (Stares into space) Wait you guys.
All stop
Charlie: I think, (scratches head awkwardly) I have one of those brain things.
Dee: Shut up Charlie we’re sick of your stupid -
Zizek enters bar
Zizek: Ideology!
Charlie: Ideology! YEAH yeah I just had an Ideology!
Dennis: No, no, no! Fat man please leave. Out you go!
Dee: Sorry bad time we’re closed.
Both rush Zizek back toward the door
Mac: Now wait hold on a second guys. I know a little about ideology. I know we just think that Charlie had another stupid idea that is going to screw us over if we even entertain it for a second. But hear me out; Fat man!
Zizek: Yesh? (sniffs)
Mac: An ideology, isn’t that just like a really big idea, right?
Zizek: Well you see the answer is yesh and no, one must first take into account the, uh, contexscht in whische -
Mac: Exactly! Context. You see guys this is really important. Frank just bailed on us, Charlie had an Ideology and this fat man knows everything there is to know about ideologies.
Charlie: Yeah like this guy could totally like understand my ideology.
Dennis: No shut up both of you. This is mad, Charlie doesn’t have ideas.
Zizek: No, no ideologische (sniffs, wipes nose, adjusts shirt)
Dennis: See! Look at this guy. He is...oh my god is this guy sweaty. He is sweaty and we don’t need him around here anymore.
Mac: Dennis shut up.I think we’re close to being on to something here.
Zizek is standing awkwardly close to Dee looking at her then sniffs
Dee: Uh yeah, way too close, and smelly. He definitely smells.
Mac: Fat man! Can you help us understand what Charlie’s ideology is so that we can save our bar?
Zizek: Natschurally!
Cue Opening Theme
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(All seated at corner of bar. Dee and Dennis standing behind bar, Mac and Zizek seated by office. Charlie is pacing and seems irritated.)
Dennis: ...and that’s how it all happened. We didn’t know things were going to turn on us like this, Frank always bails us out. He has stacks of cash, from some kind of corporate bailout or whatever, dirty Wall Street stuff you know. I was doing him a favor by investing it in Tanning pills.
Mac: A favor? You obviously made those up. You should have been investing his money in uber-steroids. Those are like chemicals that are better for you than steroids.
Dennis: You know those are just made up right? I MADE THOSE UP!! You realize that I am the one that created ass kickers united? Right? Tanning pills are real and there are only negligible side effects!
Dee: Yeah if you count hair loss as negligible. Ohh!
Dee and Mac together: Eyyoo!
Zizek: (laughs) Oh that is nische. What you said together right there. It was dishplaying your shared laughter at his narschisishim.
Dennis: (touches crown of head) I am not losing my hair! and I'm not narcissistic. I just like to look good.
Dee: Dennis don't even get me started, you film every sexual encounter you have,from the man-ass point of view.
Zizek: (sniffs) Natschurally. (Gestures hands) and go on. I am famoushe philosopher and psychoanalysht this ish all very intereshting to me.
Mac: Damn! This guy is right on! Way to go fat man that is definitely his ideology. He is totally narcissistic
Zizek: Yesh. He is quite intereshting but there ish more. Yousheewhat you don’t realische is that this is preschicly the crishes of liberal capitalischm. Zee literal power schtruchture that allowed for your exschiztensche in zee market deschpite your vill to overcome theshe boundarische has gone away. (sniffs) And so on. Now you are all fasched with the schtunning, uh, reality and are now fasching new choisches and a chansche to exschplore your unique ideologische and so on, and so on. But first you musht ashk yourshelf, what ish it that you desire, you might find that in fact what you thing you want is not really what you really want. It is not what you deshire.
Dee: What.. the hell did he just say?
Dennis: Yep, this is what I’m talking about guys. Let’s just bury this before it gets out of hand, what do you say?
Mac: No wait, I totally get it. We have choices and we need to break boundaries so that we can, uh, get over this capitalism crisis and make lots of money without Frank. Right?
(Mac looks to Zizek)
Zizek: (sniffs, repositions himself on bar stool facing Mac, adjusts shirt.) Nonono, you are correct in asschuming that you muscht overcome schertain obstacles but it is preschischly capitalischm in whisch you muscht overcome.
Dennis: Oh,see! Look the guy’s a commie. That’s un american. Let’s end this once and for all, Charlie remember how much you love America? Don’t let this commie influence you.
(Charlie is noticeably angry)
Charlie: ENOUGH! You guys are crazy. I just wanna talk to this guy, maybe he knows- I don’t know THINGS that you don’t even like use you brain for. It was my id-e-o-lgyshee (stutters) and we’re gonna talk about it.
Mac: I second that.
Dennis: (throws hands up) Fine! Is this is what you want? Fine don't listen to Me just trust this guy from the street, I bet he's homeless.
(everyone looks at Zizek) (Zizek Sniffs)
Mac: Come on Charlie and fat- what's your name any way?
Zizek: Slavoj Zizek.
Mac: Okaaay, well I’m just going to call you fat man because that's easier. Let's go to Charlie’s apartment and get away from these bozos. I bet you can learn a lot about Charlie there. (Mac, Charlie and Zizek exit bar)
Dee: Well we're done for. We should skip town before those guys have a chance to actually screw anything up. Then it will be all their fault when Frank comes back. You think he'll come back, right?
Dennis: Oh he always comes back Sweet Dee. But I have a better idea. This guy thinks he's so smart, well I can fight fire with intellectual fire. Oh yes two can play at this game Mr Sweaty smart ass with a ridiculously thick Slavic accent. Dee do you still have the card?
Dee: The card? Oh yeah Frank's special emergency credit card. I bet he still thinks it's in his wallet. There's no way he cancelled it yet. What are we going to do?
Dennis: I'm going to hire a scientist to take care of our problems. They will face off in a debate with the fat man and Charlie and Mac will side with my guy and I will be back in control of the bar.
Dee: What's in it for me?
Dennis: Well, you won't have to do any Charlie work of course. That seems to be the agreement we come to in most of the time.
Dee: Yeah. You know I'm really fine with keeping things how they are. So what next?
Dennis: Get me the number for MIT Dee. We're going to mail order an academic. (Charlie, Mac and Zizek are arriving at Charlie's apartment.)
Zizek: Mein Gott! This ish wonderful. Look at zee squalor!(Zizek is fumbling through the mess of Charlie’s apartment looking at and picking up random items.)
Charlie: Yes this is where Frank and I live. We sleep over here. We cook right here. Normally when we play nightcrawlers I like to position myself over here and then kind of move in like this because I think it’s more stealth like. (Charlie moving around frantically as he points out the different aspects of his day to day life. Noticeably happier then when at the bar, yet almost manic.)
(Zizek is fiddling with a pair of sunglasses).
Charlie: Yeah those were Frank’s you should try them on! Man I’m hungry are you guys hungry? Me and Frank like to eat milksteaks.Hey, uh, slav-slav-y do you like milksteaks?
Zizek: It’s Slavoj Zizek. But no, I do not know what a milkshtake ish. But I am intrigued. Go on pleashe.
Mac: Whoa whoa whoa hold up Charlie? Milksteaks? Come on tell him about Nightman, or General Wermhat, or about all those other things. All those other crazy ideas you have.
Charlie: Well jeeze man you’re really putting me on the spot here I can’t just like you know do all that stuff. I gotta be in the- i gotta be there. I need to huff some glue. Oh jeeze.
Mac: Now wait tone it down just a notch Charlie, don’t go that far.
Zizek: Now Charlie do not be rashh but inshead embrache the confuschun.
Charlie: (After pausing and appearing to calm down). Yeah huh? Well I’m going to huff some glue any way.
Mac: No! Come on.
Zizek: I haf a better idea. (grabs presumably dirty pot from hotplate turns it upside down and begins to breakout lines of cocaine on it.)
Mac: No, no. Nonono. This is not what I had in mind.
Zizek: Well what were you imagining? Wash it more of an, uh, erotic exshperinshe?
Mac: What? no! What are you talking about fat man? I’m not gay.
Charlie: (exhales glue flumes while holding paper bag): Ehhhhhyyo, that’s more like -it.
Mac: No this wasn’t supposed to work like this!
(Machine noises coming from Zizek who is now seated on the couch bed with a pillow in front of him.)
Mac: What the hell is going on? Wha-what are you doing now?
Zizek: What, thish? I am just using my, uh what you would call a shtamina training devishe. I don’t know what I deshire, but I promishe thish ish all about being comfortable with yourself. And so on and so on. .
Mac: What! WHere the hell did you get that? This is so wrong. This is so wrong.
(Charlie and Zizek both laughing. Mac leaves the apartment very scared and confused.)
(Cut to Dee and Dennis in office of bar. Dennis dialing phone.)
Man on phone: Hello Hayden Library of Humanities and Sciences at MIT; reference desk, how may I help you?
Dennis: Hi, yeah listen I'm from Philadelphia and we’re having a debate at Paddy’s, uh, institute of Human-things and sciences. I'd like to get a couple of doctors or scientists, uh professors, I don't know the more the merrier. I’m trying to get rid of a philosopher, you know. So how's this work? Oh and I'll pay whenever you want because I know these guys don't make that much money, you want my card number?
Librarian: Uh, sir is this some kind of joke? You've called a library.
Dennis: Yes I called the library because that's where all the nerds hangout. Listen can you help me put together a debate or not?
Librarian: Have you tried contacting any of our academic departments directly? I think you would have better luck just sending an email to the philosophy department. Are there any particular people you had in mind, perhaps you could look up their email addresses if they are listed publicly.
Dennis: Well listen just put me through to who ever you can.
Librarian: I don't think I can help you. Have a nice day! (Obviously annoyed)
Dennis: Listen nerd I will pay your loans if you help me.
Librarian: Hold please. (Puts Dennis on hold.) Screw this I’ll pay off my loans flipping burgers. (Transfers call to random MIT extension #, hangs up phone walks out of library).
(Cut to Noam Chomsky’s office where Noam is seated with a graduate student having a discussion. Phone rings.)
Chomsky: Uh, pardon me I wasn’t expecting a call. (Answers) Hello this is Noam Chomsky.
Dennis: Hello yeah, listen I've got a problem and I need your help right now. This is urgent.
Chomsky: Oh, well it seems you might be mistaken with who you are calling but I can try to help you. If it’s an emergency I recommend you contact the proper authorities. Are you calling about something related to political history or linguistics?
Dennis: You really need to speak up buddy I can barely hear you. Uh I don't know, linguistics, yeah that sounds helpful. I need someone who will help me argue with this crazy philosopher acting like Freud on cocaine.
Dee: (In background) I think Freud was on cocaine.
Chomsky: Well that's not really what a linguist does, a linguist studies languages for the purpose of understanding how they are structured. Myself I've done work hoping to identify underlying principles that are shared universally between languages.
Dennis: Okay, so understanding things about different languages, got it. That's perfect. Because I really can't understand what this guy is saying. He speaks with such a thick Slavic accent and he just goes on and on, and on and on, waving his hands, wiping his nose and constantly spouting of this or that about desires or capitalism or something. And ideology don't even get me started on ideology.
Chomsky: Wait, ideology you say?
Dennis: Yes he's trying to brainwash my friends with ideology, and we need to put a stop to it.
Chomsky: I'll be there as fast as I can.
(Chomsky hangs up phone)
Chomsky: Sorry to cut this meeting short. There's an emergency.
Student: W-what is it professor Chomsky?
Chomsky: It’s Zizek. (Removes glasses rubs eyes and forehead in frustration.)
Student: Uh- okay? (underbreath) What the hell?
(Dennis hangs up phone)
Dennis: Well that was easy. One nerd coming up. Dee find a microphone, we’re going to need it because I could barely hear a word that guy was saying.
(Both walking out of office toward bar.)
Dee: Well I could hear it through the phone it just sounded like he was speaking with a vocal fry.
Dennis: Vocal fry, what the hell is that?
Dee: (speaking with vocal fry) Well it’s when people talk like this in a low breathy voice like this. It’s a big no-no if you wanna get a job. I mean like everyone knows that, I would know because I’m an actor and I'm just supposed to be able to sound like that when I want. Jeeze.
Dennis: Whatever Dee you talk like that all the time when you’re drunk. Which is all the time. He just sounded old, he probably can’t breathe very well.
Dee: Well that’s what I’m saying Dennis! You keep making fun of how everyone else talks and don’t actually listen to what they say.
Dennis: Oh since when did you become the bastion of morality?
Dee: Well no I’m just saying-
(Mac bursts in door of Paddy’s pub)
Mac: Guys we have a problem.
Dennis: Oh now you want to join my side.
Mac: You don’t understand.