The Legitimate Business Fairy

Princess Alice · 2016-02-19 15:55:17

He keeps emailing all my subordinates offering to pay their college tuition if they send him $500 in Green Dot MoneyPak cards.

College education in Centralia is free!

I'm starting to think "Legitimate Business Fairy" might not even be his real name...

Princess Alice · 2016-02-19 15:56:53

Re: GR8 EDUCATION'L OPPORTUNITY!!!
From: Legitimate Business Fairy (scammer_fairy@faecomm.net)
To: Tzetze (mnxmnkmnd@it.crown.centralia.gov)

Klinotaxis · 2016-02-19 18:34:29

Must be pretty depressing, being named after sarcasm

Imipolex G · 2016-02-19 18:37:24

what a great offer! :D

Obā-san · 2016-02-19 18:51:58

I'm disappointed this isn't about the fairy mafia

Tre · 2016-02-19 18:53:43

wonder if he was behind my iPad browser locking up that one time

it was also asking for a Green Dot® card

Klinotaxis · 2016-02-19 18:55:48

Today is Tomorrow said:
I'm disappointed this isn't about the fairy mafia

spam is run by organized crime a not-insignificant fraction of the time

Princess Alice · 2016-02-19 19:21:41

Then there was that time he was running a scam where he pretended to be Alicorn Systems tech support...until he accidentally called Janice Henderson, CEO of Alicorn.

Princess Alice · 2016-02-19 21:45:32

(In the dorms at Dame Adorabelle's, Princess Alice and her Band of Brats sit around a landline phone. Alice dials and then puts it on speakerphone.)

Phone: *ringing*

Legitimate Business Fairy: You've reached the Centralia Ministry of Taxation. I'm the Legitimate Business Fairy, how may I direct your call?

Alice: (suppressing a giggle) Hi, I, uh, was returning your call.

LBF: And on what phone number did you receive the call?

Alice: Yes, my phone number is Y-O-U S-U-C-K.

(The brats all start laughing.)

LBF: No no no, we're not doing this. This is a legitimate government agency you're calling here.

Alice: Do you even know who you're talking to? I think I might know a thing or two about government agencies.

(Click.)

Alice: Aahaha, he hung up!

(Alice transforms herself into an adult woman to disguise her voice, then dials again.)

LBF: Thank you for calling the Centralia Ministry of Taxation, Legitimate Business Fairy speaking. How may I help you?

Alice: Yes, hi, I was just returning a call about my account??

LBF: Ok. What is your phone number?

Alice: You don't know my phone number?

LBF: I just need you to tell me your phone number so I can pull up your file.

Alice: How did you call me if you don't know my phone number?

LBF: You called me, ma'am!

Alice: Are you sure?

LBF: Yes!

Alice: Oh. Can you look it up by my name instead?

LBF: What is your name?

Alice: Yes, my name, that's what I said.

LBF: But what is your name?

Alice: Pippilotta Delicatessa Windowshade Mackrelmint Efraimsdotter Longstocking.

LBF: Whoa, whoa, whoa, one thing at a time. What is your last name?

Alice: Longstocking. L-O-N-G-S-T-O-C-K-I-N-G.

LBF: Longstocking. And your first name?

Alice: Pippilotta. P-I-P-P-I-L-O-T-T-A.

LBF: Alright. Well, Ms. Longstocking--

Alice: That's Dr. Longstocking, thank you.

LBF: I'm sorry, Dr. Longstocking--

Alice: I didn't go through all those years of med school for nothing you know.

LBF: Dr. Longstocking, you received a call because there's been an issue with your taxes. You see, it's been unpaid--

Alisha: (from another room) PRINCESS, ARE YOU MAKING CRANK CALLS ON MY PHONE AGAIN?

Alice: (to phone) Hold on a sec. *mutes phone* NO, MISS ALISHA, IT'S LEGIT PRINCESS STUFF. NATIONAL SECURITY AND ALL THAT.

Alisha: YOU SOUND LIKE A GROWN-UP. WHY ARE YOU A GROWN-UP?

Alice: I'M, UH, PLAYING WITH MY AGE SO I CAN TAKE COOL SELFIES!

(Alice unmutes the phone.)

Alice: Sorry about that. What's up with my taxes?

LBF: Well, it looks like you haven't paid any of your taxes for the years 2013 or 2014, so I'm afraid you will be arrested for tax evasion and have to go before the court.

Alice: Arrested? Oh, no, not that! Is there any way I could ever get out of this?

LBF: Well, as the supervising agent in charge of your account, I can offer you a special arrangement. If you pay $1500 today, we can close your case with no criminal charges.

Alice: Only $1500? Not $3000?

LBF: $1500 is fine, ma'am.

Alice: Let me talk to Stephen.

LBF: Who is Stephen?

Alice: I called the Ministry of Taxation last week and Stephen said I had to pay $3000. Put Stephen on the line.

LBF: Uh, Stephen isn't here today.

Alice: Humbug! I know Stephen works Tuesdays. I talked to him this time last week.

LBF: You don't have to use that kind of language, Dr. Longstocking. I'll put Stephen on the line.

(The fairy stalls for a moment.)

LBF: (barely trying to disguise his voice) Ministry of Taxation, Stephen speaking.

Alice: Steve, my buddy! How are you?

LBF: I'm fine, ma'am, how are you?

Alice: Huh, that's strange.

LBF: What?

Alice: Well, usually when I call you Steve, you tell me not to call you that. Am I really talking to Stephen?

LBF: Yes, it's me, I, uh, got used to that nickname. Anyways, you had some questions about your account?

Alice: Yes, I have to pay you $3000, right?

LBF: ...Yes. $3000. That is correct.

Alice: Ok, 'cause the guy I was talking to a minute ago said it was only $1500.

LBF: He was just a little confused.

Alice: Oh, I understand. Must have a lot of people in your files named Pippilotta Delicatessa Windowshade Mackrelmint Efraimsdotter Longstocking; it's easy to get mixed up.

LBF: Uh...yes. Anyways, you're going to need to get a wire transfer. Do you have the $3000 today?

Alice: You're in luck! I just got $4000 out of the bank this morning. I was gonna put it under my pillow as a good luck charm, but clearly this is a more worthy cause.

LBF: Ok, so you're gonna take $3500 to the Western Union--

Alice: $3500? I thought it was $3000?

LBF: Yes, it's $3000, but there's a special $500 handling fee since we're waiving the legal process.

Alice: Sounds reasonable.

LBF: Anyways, can you make it to Western Union?

Alice: Sure! Who am I sending this money to?

LBF: You're gonna send it to the case manager. I'll give you his name and city now.

Princess Alice · 2016-02-19 21:56:09

Alice: Ok, McConnell. Is that like M-C-C-O--

LBF: McConnell? What's McConnell?

Alice: You know, the last name of the person I'm sending the money to.

LBF: His last name isn't McConnell. I--I didn't give you the name yet!

Alice: Oh, my bad. I thought you did.

LBF: Ok, so the first name is Randy. R-A-N-D-Y, Randy.

Alice: Randi. R-A-N-D-I. Got it.

LBF: Y!

Alice: Because that's what you said!

LBF: No, no, R-A-N-D-Y!

Alice: R-A-N-D-I, that's what I said.

LBF: D-Y! Y! Y as in youth!

Alice: Ohhh, R-A-N-D-Y-as-in-youth. Got it.

LBF: The last name is Moore. M-O-O-R-E.

Alice: Moor. M-O-O-R.

LBF: E.

Alice: E?

LBF: Moore, M-O-O-R-E.

Alice: M-O-R-E. Got it.

LBF: No, M-O--

Alice: -R-E, yes.

LBF: No! Will you please be quiet and listen to me?

Alice: You're being rude to me now.

LBF: You keep interrupting me!

Alice: If you're going to treat me this way, I don't want to pay you anything. I'll just take the case to court.

LBF: You'll be arrested, you know.

Alice: That's OK, I've spent time in the slammer before.

LBF: You'll have to get a lawyer and everything. It's way more expensive than just paying the $4000 today...

Alice: Nah, I am a lawyer. I'll just represent myself in court.

LBF: I thought you said you were a doctor!

Alice: Oh, and because I'm a woman I can only have one career, eh? Now you're getting sexist.

LBF: *sigh* Sorry, Dr. Longstocking.

Alice: Dr. Longstocking, Esquire to you. M-O-O-R-E.

LBF: ...Yes. Now the city is E-D-

Alice: Edmonton! Classic vacation spot.

LBF: You didn't let me finish! E-D-G-E C-I-T-Y.

Alice: Oh, Edge City? I don't know if I can send this money to Edge City.

LBF: What's wrong with Edge City.

Alice: It's personal. I just have a bad association with the place. It's where I lost both my legs during the war, you see.

LBF: War??

Alice: It had to be at least, 5, maybe 6 years ago now. The Dark Wizard Snorlax and his forces were occupying Edge City. It was up to me, and my general, Kurt Cobain, to--

LBF: Ma'am, please.

Alice: Now you're interrupting me! Weren't you just talking about how rude that was?

LBF: Look, we can talk later, but now I need to give you the details. Edge City, please.

Alice: I don't know. I'm still kinda traumatized over Edge City. I think I'm gonna put Queen City instead.

LBF: No, no, no! You have to use the information I'm giving you!

Alice: I can't put Queen City?

LBF: No! You have to put Edge City!

Alice: Actually, while we're on the subject, why am I sending the money to Edge City? Isn't the Ministry of Taxation based there in the capital at Queen City?

LBF: Your, uh, case is being handled by a branch office in Edge City.

Princess Alice · 2016-02-19 21:59:39

Alice: Oh, yes. Ok. So, Randy Moore, Edge City.

LBF: Yes.

Alice: So I'm writing a check, right?

LBF: No, Dr. Longstocking, you're getting a wire transfer. Please try to keep up.

Alice: That's Judge Longstocking to you.

LBF: You're a judge now?

Alice: Well, obviously. I was gonna let it slide, but you're being rude to me again.

LBF: Look, Judge Longstocking. I have other clients to attend to. Are you going to send the money or not?

Alice: I don't know. How much was it again? $5000?

LBF: No, it was fo--yes, $5000.

(Epitome taps Alice on the shoulder. She looks up and sees Alisha, rather unamused, standing behind her.)

Alice: You're a con artist and I've been screwing with you this entire time. Good day.

(Alice quickly hangs up the phone.)

Alisha: Do I have to keep an eye on you 24/7??

Alice: I'll show myself to my room.

Haven · 2016-02-20 01:03:46

The Illegitimate Business Fairy will rise up one day, demanding their birthright

AshUpquark · 2016-02-20 03:56:23

Oh, this guy.

He's not with the mafia, I don't think, although I gather he's encouraged rumours to that effect. He seems like he couldn't scam his way out of a paper bag, but I suppose some people must fall for it or he wouldn't keep doing it.

Klinotaxis · 2016-02-20 03:59:51

what does centralian organizeed crime even do

The Legitimate Business Fairy

Comments

Howdy, Stranger!

Categories